The Apple Cart

why not? if your Majesty is in earnest. Magnus I assure you I am very much in earnest. Proteus Well, I confess I did not foresee this turn of events. But I ought to have foreseen it. What your Majesty proposes is the straightforward, logical, intellectually honest solution of our difficulty. Consequently it is the last solution I could have expected in politics. But I reckoned without your Majesty’s character. The more I think of it the more clearly I see that you are right⁠—that you are taking the only course open to you. Crassus I never said I was against it, Joe. Balbus Neither did I. Nicobar I think there’s a great deal to be said for it. I have no objection. Pliny One king is no worse than another, is he? Boanerges Is he any better? The way you fellows scuttle backward and forward from one mind to another whenever Joe holds up his finger is disgusting. This is a Cabinet of sheep. Proteus Well, give the flock a better lead if you can. Have you anything else to propose? Boanerges I don’t know that I have on the spur of the moment. We should have had notice of this. But I suppose the King must do as he thinks right. Proteus Then the goat goes with the sheep; so that’s all right. Boanerges Who are you calling a goat? Nicobar If you come to that, who are you calling sheep? Amanda Steady there, children! steady! steady! To the King. You have brought us all round, sir, as usual. Proteus There is nothing more to be said. Amanda That means another half hour at least. Boanerges Woman: this is not the moment for your tomfooleries. Proteus Impressively. Bill is right, Amanda. He rises and becomes the conventional House of Commons orator. Ministers compose themselves to listen with grave attention, as if in church; but Lysistrata is contemptuous and Amanda amused. Proteus Continuing. It is a solemn moment. It is a moment in which an old tie is being broken. I am not ashamed to confess that it is a tie from which I have learned something. Male Ministers Murmur. Hear hear! Hear hear! Proteus For my own part⁠—and I think I may speak for others here as well⁠—it has been no mere political tie, but a tie of sincere friendship. Renewed murmurs of sympathy. Increasing emotion. Proteus We have had our disagreements⁠—as which of us has not?⁠—but they have been family quarrels. Crassus That’s all. Nothing more. Proteus May I say lovers’ quarrels? Pliny Wiping his eyes. You may, Joe. You may. Proteus My friends, we came here to a meeting. We find, alas! that the meeting is to be a leavetaking. Crassus sniffs tearfully. It is a sad leavetaking on our part, but a cordial one. Hear Hear from Pliny. We are cast down, but not discouraged. Looking back to the past with regret, we can still look forward to the future with hope. That future has its dangers and its difficulties. It will bring us new problems; and it will bring us face to face with a new king. But the new problems and the new king will not make us forget our old counsellor, monarch, and⁠—he will allow me to say⁠—comrade. Hear Hears ad libitum. I know my words will find an echo in all your hearts when I conclude by saying that whatsoever king shall reign⁠— Amanda You’ll be the Vicar of Bray, Joe. Uproar. Proteus flings himself into his chair indignantly. Balbus Shame! Nicobar Shut up, you b⁠— Pliny A joke’s a joke; but really⁠— Crassus Too bad, Amanda! Behave yourself. Lysistrata She has a perfect right to speak. You are a parcel of sentimental fools. Boanerges Rising. Silence. Order. Amanda Sorry. Boanerges So you ought to be. Where’s your manners? Where’s your education? King Magnus: we part; but we part as strong men part: as friends. The Prime Minister has correctly represented the sentiments of all the men present. I call on them to express those sentiments in the good old English fashion. Singing in stentorian tones. Fo‑o‑o‑o‑r‑r‑r Male Ministers Except Proteus

Rising and singing.

—he’s a jolly good fel‑low
For he’s a jolly good fel‑low
For he’s⁠—

Magnus Peremptorily. Stop. Stop. Sudden silence and misgiving. They sit down furtively. Magnus I thank you with all my heart; but there is a misapprehension. We are not taking leave of one another. I have no intention of withdrawing from an active part in politics. Proteus What!! Magnus You are looking on me, with an emotion which has deeply touched me, as a man with a political past. But I look on myself rather as a man with a political future. I have not yet told you my plans. Nicobar What plans? Balbus A retired king can’t have plans and a future. Magnus Why not? I am looking forward to a most exciting and enjoyable time. As I shall of course dissolve parliament, the fun will begin with a general election. Boanerges Dismayed. But I’ve only just been elected. Do you mean that I shall have to stand two elections in one month? Have you thought of the expenses? Magnus Surely your expenses will be paid by the State. Boanerges Paid by the State! Is that all you know about electioneering in England? Proteus You will get your whack out of the party funds, Bill; and if you can’t find the extras you must put up with straight votes. Go on, sir: we want to hear about those plans of yours. Magnus My last act of royal authority will be to divest myself of all titles and dignities; so that I may step down at once into the position of a commoner. Boanerges Step up, you mean. The common man is the superior, not the inferior, of the titled man. Magnus That is why I am going to make myself a common man, Mr. Boanerges. Pliny Well, it does you honor. Crassus Not all of us would be capable of a sacrifice like that. Boanerges A fine gesture, sir. A fine gesture. I admit it. Proteus Suspicious. And since when, pray, has your Majesty taken