The Apple Cart

nothing but its efficiency: with me it comes before every personal tie, every happiness that common women run after. I would give my right hand to see these people in the bankruptcy court with half their business abolished and the other half done in public workshops where public losses are not private gains. You stand for that, sir; and I would be with you to the last drop of my blood if I dared. But what can I do? If I said one word of this in public, not a week would pass in the next two years without an article on the inefficiency and corruption of all Government departments, especially departments managed, like mine, by females. They would dig up the very machines they have buried, and make out that it is my fault that they have never been brought into use. They would set their private police to watch me day and night to get something against my private character. One of their directors told me to my face that by lifting up his finger he could get my windows broken by the mob; and that Breakages, Limited, would get the job of putting in new glass. And it is true. It is infamous; it is outrageous; but if I attempt to fight them I shall be hounded out of public life, and they will shove Mouldly Mike into the Cabinet to run my department in their interests: that is, to make such a failure of it that Joe will have to sell it to Breakages, Limited, at scrap iron prices. I⁠—I⁠—oh, it is beyond bearing. She breaks down. There is a troubled silence for a moment. Then the voice of the Prime Minister breaks it impressively as he addresses the King. Proteus You hear that, sir. Your one supporter in the Cabinet admits that the industrial situation is too strong for her. I do not pretend to be able to control the women in my Cabinet; but not one of them dare support you. Amanda Springing up. What’s that? Not dare! What do you bet that I don’t go down to Mouldy Mike’s constituency and say everything that Lizzie has said and a lot more too, if I choose? I tell you, Breakages, Limited, never interferes in my department. I’d like to catch them at it. Magnus I am afraid that that is only because the efficiency of the Post Office is as important to them as to the general public. Amanda Stuff! They could get rid of me without shutting up the Post Office. They’re afraid of me⁠—of me, Amanda Postlethwaite. Magnus You coax them, I am afraid. Amanda Coax! What do you think they care for coaxing? They can have all the coaxing they want from younger and prettier women than I by paying for it. No use trying to coax that lot. Intimidate them: that’s the way to handle them. Lysistrata Her voice still broken. I wish I could intimidate them. Magnus But what can Amanda do that you cannot do? Amanda I’ll tell you. She can’t mimic people. And she can’t sing funny songs. I can do both; and that⁠—with all respect, sir⁠—makes me the real queen of England. Boanerges Oh, come! Disgraceful! Shame! Amanda If you provoke me, Bill, I’ll drive you out of your constituency inside of two months. Boanerges Ho! You will, will you? How? Amanda Just as I drove the Chairman of Breakages out of my own constituency when he came down there and tried to take my seat from me. Magnus I never quite understood why he turned tail. How did you do it? Amanda I’ll tell you. He opened his campaign with a great Saturday night speech against me in the Home Lovers’ Hall to five thousand people. In that same hall a week later, I faced a meeting of the very same people. I didn’t argue. I mimicked him. I took all the highfalutin passages in his speech, and repeated them in his best manner until I had the whole five thousand laughing at him. Then I asked them would they like me to sing; and their Yes nearly lifted the roof off. I had two songs. They both had choruses. One went “She lets me go out on Saturday night, on Saturday night, on Saturday night”⁠—like that. The other went “Boo! Hoo! I want Amanda’s Teddy bear to play with.” They sang it under the windows of his hotel next time he came. He cancelled his meeting and left. And that’s how England is governed by yours truly, sir. Lucky for England that Queen Amanda is a good sort, in spite of some surface faults. She resumes her seat with triumphant self-satisfaction. Balbus Lucky for England there’s only one of you: that’s what I say. Amanda Wafts him a kiss. ! Magnus Should not the Queen support the King, your Majesty? Amanda Sorry, sir; but there isn’t room for two monarchs in my realm. I am against you on principle because the talent for mimicry isn’t hereditary. Proteus Now, anybody else? We have heard why the two ladies cannot support the King. Is there anybody who can? Silence. Magnus I see that my appeal has been in vain. I do not reproach you, ladies and gentlemen, because I perceive that your situation is a difficult one. The question is how to change it. Nicobar Sign the ultimatum: that is how. Magnus I am not quite convinced of that. The Home Secretary’s brother-in-law was quite willing to sign the pledge of total abstinence if I would admit him to the Cabinet. His offer was not accepted, because, though none of us doubted that he would sign the pledge, we were not equally certain that the infirmities of his nature would allow him to keep it. My nature is also subject to infirmity. Are you satisfied, Mr. Proteus, that if I sign this ultimatum, I shall not inevitably relapse into the conduct that my nature dictates? Proteus His patience strained. What is the use of going on like this? You are a man