The Apple Cart

take it, sir, is your question. Magnus Nods assent. ! Proteus The answer is in the affirmative. Balbus Good! Magnus Anything more? Proteus Yes: one thing more. The veto must not be mentioned again. That can apply to both sides, if you like. The veto is dead. Magnus May we not make a historical reference to the corpse? Proteus No. I cannot carry on the King’s government unless I can give pledges and carry them out. What is my pledge worth if our constituents are reminded every day that the King may veto anything that Parliament does? Do you expect me to say, when I am asked for a pledge, “You must ask the King”? Magnus I have to say “You must ask the Prime Minister.” Pliny Consoling him. That’s the constitution, you know. Magnus Quite. I only mention it to show that the Prime Minister does not really wish to kill the veto. He only wishes to move it next door. Proteus The people live next door. The name on the brass plate is Public Opinion. Magnus Gravely. Admirably turned, Mr. Prime Minister; but unreal. I am far more subject to public opinion than you, because, thanks to the general belief in democracy, you can always pretend that what you do is done by the will of the people, who, God knows, never dreamt of it, and would not have understood it if they had; whereas, for what a king does, he, and he alone, is held responsible. A demagogue may steal a horse where a king dare not look over a hedge. Lysistrata I doubt if that is any longer true, sir. I know that I get blamed for everything that goes wrong in my department. Magnus Ah! But what a despot you are, Lysistrata! Granted, however, that the people have found out long ago that democracy is humbug, and that instead of establishing responsible government it has abolished it, do you not see what this means? Boanerges Scandalized. Steady, steady! I cannot sit here and listen to such a word as humbug being applied to democracy. I am sorry, sir; but with all respect for you, I really must draw the line at that. Magnus You are right, Mr. Boanerges, as you always are. Democracy is a very real thing, with much less humbug about it than many older institutions. But it means, not that the people govern, but that the responsibility and the veto now belong neither to kings nor demagogues as such, but to whoever is clever enough to get them. Lysistrata Yourself, sir, for example? Magnus I think I am in the running. That is why I do not feel bound to accept this ultimatum. By signing it I put myself out of the running. Why should I? Balbus Because you’re the king: that’s why. Magnus Does it follow? Proteus If two men ride the same horse, one must ride behind. Lysistrata Which? Proteus Turning to her sharply. What was that you said? Lysistrata With placid but formidable obstinacy and ironical explicitness. I said Which? You said that if two men rode the same horse one of them must ride behind. I said Which? Explanatorily. Which man must ride behind? Amanda Got it, Joe? Proteus That is exactly the question that has to be settled here and now. Amanda “Once for all.” Everybody laughs except Proteus, who rises in a fury. Proteus I will not stand this perpetual tomfooling. I had rather be a dog than the Prime Minister of a country where the only things the inhabitants can be serious about are football and refreshments. Lick the King’s boots: that is all you are fit for. He dashes out of the room. Balbus You’ve done it now, Mandy. I hope you’re proud of yourself. Magnus It is you, Amanda, who should go and coax him back. But I suppose I must do it myself, as usual. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. He rises. The rest rise. He goes out. Boanerges I told you. I told you what would come of conducting a conference with His Majesty as if it were a smoking concert. I am disgusted. He flings himself back into his chair. Balbus We’d just cornered the old fox; and then Amanda must have her silly laugh and lets him out of it. He sits. Nicobar What are we to do now? that’s what I want to know. Amanda Incorrigible. I suggest a little community singing. She makes conductorlike gestures. Nicobar Yah!! He sits down very sulkily. Amanda Sits down with a little splutter of laughter. ! Crassus Thoughtful. Take it easy, friends. Joe knows what he is about. Lysistrata Of course he does. I can excuse you, Bill, because it’s your first day in the Cabinet. But if the rest of you haven’t found out by this time that Joe’s rages are invariably calculated, then nothing will ever teach you anything. She sits down contemptuously. Boanerges In his grandest manner. Well, madam, I know I am a newcomer: everything must have a beginning. I am open to argument and conviction. The Prime Minister brought this conference, in what I admit was a very able and resolute manner, to the verge of a decision. Then, in a fit of childish temper he breaks up the conference, leaving us looking like fools with nothing done. And you tell me he did it on purpose! Where was the advantage to him in such a display? answer me that. Lysistrata He is settling the whole business with the King behind our backs. That is what Joe always contrives to do, by hook or crook. Pliny You didn’t arrange it with him, Mandy: did you? Amanda There wasn’t any need to arrange it. Joe can always depend on one or other of us saying something that will give him an excuse for flying out. Crassus In my opinion, ladies and gentlemen, we have done our bit, and may leave the rest to Joe. Matters had reached a point at which it was yes or no between the Cabinet and the Crown. There is only one sort of committee that is better