The Apple Cart

of them; and they all regard people who do not belong to them as atheists. My court includes several perfectly respectable wives and mothers whose strange vanity it is to be talked about as abandoned females. To gain the reputation of being the king’s mistress they would do almost anything except give the unfortunate monarch the pleasure of substantiating their claim. Side by side with them are the ladies who are really unscrupulous. They are so careful of their reputations that they lose no opportunity of indignantly denying that they have ever yielded to solicitations which have in fact never been made to them. Thus every king is supposed to be a libertine; and as, oddly enough, he owes a great part of his popularity to this belief, he cannot deny it without deeply disappointing his subjects. There is a rather grim silence, during which the King looks round in vain for some encouraging response. Lysistrata Severely. Your Majesty’s private affairs do not concern us, in any case. Amanda Splutters into an irrepressible laugh. !! Magnus Looks reproachfully at Amanda. ! Amanda Composing her features as best she can. Excuse me. Crassus I hope your Majesty recognizes that kings are not the only people to whom certain sorts of mud always stick, no matter what fool throws them. Call a minister a jobber⁠— Balbus Or a bungler. Crassus Yes, or a bungler, and everybody believes it. Jobbery and incompetence are the two sorts of mud that stick to us, no matter how honest or capable we are; and we haven’t the royal vantage that you enjoy, that the more the ladies take away your character the better the people like you. Boanerges Suddenly. Prime Minister: will you tell me what the Postmistress General is sniggering at? Amanda This a free country, Bill. A sense of humor is not a crime. And when the King is not setting me off, you are. Boanerges Where is the joke? I don’t see it. Amanda If you could see a joke, Bill, you wouldn’t be the great popular orator you are. Boanerges Thank Heaven, I am not a silly giggler like some I could mention. Amanda Thanks, dearest Bill. Now, Joe: don’t you think you have let us run loose long enough? What about that ultimatum? Magnus Shaking his head at her. Traitor! Proteus I am in no hurry. His Majesty’s speeches are very wise and interesting; and your back chat amuses both you and him. But the ultimatum is here all the time; and I shall not leave this room until I have His Majesty’s signed pledge that its conditions will be observed. All become gravely attentive. Magnus What are its terms? Proteus First, no more royal speeches. Magnus What! Not even if you dictate them? Proteus Not even if we dictate them. Your Majesty has a way of unrolling the manuscript and winking⁠— Magnus Winking! Proteus You know what I mean. The best speech in the world can be read in such a way as to set the audience laughing at it. We have had enough of that. So, in future, no speeches. Magnus A dumb king? Proteus Of course we cannot object to such speeches as “We declare this foundation stone well and truly laid” and so forth. But politically, yes: a dumb king. Pliny To soften it. A constitutional king. Proteus Implacably. A dumb king. Magnus Hm! What next? Proteus The working of the Press from the palace back stairs must cease. Magnus You know that I have no control of the Press. The Press is in the hands of men much richer than I, who would not insert a single paragraph against their own interests even if it were signed by my own hand and sent to them with a royal command. Proteus We know that. But though these men are richer than you, they are not cleverer. They get amusing articles, spiced with exclusive backstairs information, that don’t seem to them to have anything to do with politics. The next thing they know is that their pet shares have dropped fifteen points; that capital is frightened off their best prospectuses; and that some of the best measures in our party program are made to look like city jobs. Magnus Am I supposed to write these articles? Nicobar Your man Sempronius does. I can spot his fist out of fifty columns. Crassus So can I. When he is getting at me he always begins the sentence with “Singularly enough.” Pliny Chuckling. That’s his trademark. “Singularly enough.” Ha! ha! Magnus Is there to be any restriction on the other side? I have noticed, for instance, that in a certain newspaper which loses no opportunity of disparaging the throne, the last sentence of the leading article almost invariably begins with the words “Once for all.” Whose trademark is that? Proteus Mine. Magnus Frank, Mr. Proteus. Proteus I know when to be frank. I learnt the trick from Your Majesty. Amanda Tries not to laugh. ! Magnus Gently reproachful. Amanda: what is the joke now? I am surprised at you. Amanda Joe frank! When I want to find out what he is up to I have to come and ask your Majesty. Lysistrata That is perfectly true. In this Cabinet there is no such thing as a policy. Every man plays for his own hand. Nicobar It’s like a game of cards. Balbus Only there are no partners. Lysistrata Except Crassus and Nicobar. Pliny Good, Lizzie! He! he! he! Nicobar What do you mean? Lysistrata You know quite well what I mean. When will you learn, Nicobar, that it is no use trying to browbeat me. I began life as a schoolmistress; and I can browbeat any man in this Cabinet or out of it if he is fool enough to try to compete with me in that department. Boanerges Order! order! Cannot the Prime Minister check these unseemly personalities? Proteus They give me time to think, Bill. When you have had as much parliamentary experience as I have you will be very glad of an interruption occasionally. May I proceed? Silence. Proteus His Majesty asks whether the restriction on press campaigning is to be entirely onesided. That, I