The Apple Cart

epub:type="z3998:persona">the King and the table of Pamphilius. Amanda There you are, Plin. She sits next the table. Pliny Ta ta, Mandy. Pardon me: I should have said Amanda. He sits next to the King. Amanda Don’t mention it, darling. Boanerges Order, order! Amanda Waves him a kiss. !! Magnus Prime Minister: the word is with you. Why have you all simultaneously given me the great pleasure of exercising your constitutional right of access to the sovereign? Lysistrata Have I that right, sir; or haven’t I? Magnus Most undoubtedly you have. Lysistrata You hear that, Joe? Proteus I⁠— Balbus Oh for Heaven’s sake don’t contradict her, Joe. We shall never get anywhere at this rate. Come to the crisis. Together. Nicobar Yes yes: the crisis! Crassus Yes yes: come along! Pliny The crisis: out with it! Balbus The ultimatum. Lets have the ultimatum. Magnus Oh, there is an ultimatum! I gathered from yesterday’s evening papers that there is a crisis⁠—another crisis. But the ultimatum is new to me. To Proteus. Have you an ultimatum? Proteus Your Majesty’s allusion to the royal veto in a speech yesterday has brought matters to a head. Magnus It was perhaps indelicate. But you all allude so freely to your own powers⁠—to the supremacy of Parliament and the voice of the people and so forth⁠—that I fear I have lost any little delicacy I ever possessed. If you may flourish your thunderbolts why may I not shoulder my little popgun of a veto and strut up and down with it for a moment? Nicobar This is not a subject for jesting⁠— Magnus Interrupting him quickly. I am not jesting, Mr. Nicobar. But I am certainly trying to discuss our differences in a good-humored manner. Do you wish me to lose my temper and make scenes? Amanda Oh please no, your Majesty. We get enough of that from Joe. Proteus I pro⁠— Magnus His hand persuasively on the Prime Minister’s arm. Take care, Prime Minister: take care: do not let your wily Postmistress General provoke you to supply the evidence against yourself. All the rest laugh. Proteus Coolly. I thank your Majesty for the caution. The Postmistress General has never forgiven me for not making her First Lady of the Admiralty. She has three nephews in the navy. Amanda Oh you⁠—She swallows the epithet, and contents herself with shaking her fist at the Premier. Magnus Tch-tch-tch! Gently, Amanda, gently. Three very promising lads: they do you credit. Amanda I never wanted them to go to sea. I could have found them better jobs in the Post Office. Magnus Apart from Amanda’s family relations, am I face to face with a united Cabinet. Pliny No, sir. You are face to face with a squabbling Cabinet; but, on the constitutional question, united we stand: divided we fall. Balbus That is so. Nicobar Hear hear! Magnus What is the constitutional question? Do you deny the royal veto? or do you object only to my reminding my subjects of its existence? Nicobar What we say is that the king has no right to remind his subjects of anything constitutional except by the advice of the Prime Minister, and in words which he has read and approved. Magnus Which Prime Minister? There are so many of them in the Cabinet. Boanerges There! Serves you all right! Aren’t you ashamed of yourselves? But I am not surprised, Joseph Proteus. I own I like a Prime Minister that knows how to be a Prime Minister. Why do you let them take the word out of your mouth every time? Proteus If His Majesty wants a Cabinet of dumb dogs he will not get it from my party. Balbus Hear, hear, Joe! Magnus Heaven forbid! The variety of opinion in the Cabinet is always most instructive and interesting. Who is to be its spokesman today? Proteus I know your Majesty’s opinion of me; but let⁠— Magnus Before he can proceed. Let me state it quite frankly. My opinion of you is that no man knows better than you when to speak and when to let others speak for you; when to make scenes and threaten resignation; and when to be as cool as a cucumber. Proteus Not altogether displeased. Well, sir, I hope I am not such a fool as some fools think me. I may not always keep my temper. You would not be surprised at that if you knew how much temper I have to keep. He straightens up and becomes impressively eloquent. At this moment my cue is to show you, not my own temper, but the temper of my Cabinet. What the Foreign Secretary and the Chancellor of the Exchequer and the Home Secretary have told you is true. If we are to carry on your government we cannot have you making speeches that express your own opinions and not ours. We cannot have you implying that everything that is of any value in our legislation is your doing and not ours. We cannot have you telling people that their only safeguard against the political encroachments of big business whilst we are doing nothing but bungling and squabbling is your power of veto. It has got to stop, once for all. Balbus
Nicobar Hear hear! Proteus Is that clear? Magnus Far clearer than I have ever dared to make it, Mr. Proteus. Except, by the way, on one point. When you say that all this of which you complain must cease once for all, do you mean that henceforth I am to agree with you or you with me? Proteus I mean that when you disagree with us you are to keep your disagreement to yourself. Magnus That would be a very heavy responsibility for me. If I see you leading the nation over the edge of a precipice may I not warn it? Balbus It is our business to warn it, not yours. Magnus Suppose you don’t do your business! Suppose you don’t see the danger! That has happened. It may happen again. Crassus Insinuating. As democrats, I think we are bound to proceed on the assumption that such a thing cannot happen. Boanerges Rot! It’s happening all the time