The Apple Cart

my desk when I took office, with all His Majesty’s suggestions in the margin; and you know it. Proteus Have you all done playing straight into His Majesty’s hand, and making my situation here impossible? Guilty silence. Proteus Proceeding deliberately and authoritatively. The question before us is not one of our manners and our abilities. His Majesty will not press that question, because if he did he would oblige us to raise the question of his own morals. Magnus Starts. What! Balbus Good, Joe! Crassus Aside to Amanda. That’s got him. Magnus Am I to take that threat seriously, Mr. Proteus? Proteus If you try to prejudice what is a purely constitutional question by personal scandal, it will be easy enough for us to throw your mud back. In this conflict we are the challengers. You have the choice of weapons. If you choose scandal, we’ll take you on at that. Personally I shall deplore it if you do. No good will come of washing our dirty linen in public. But don’t make any mistake as to what will happen. I will be plain with you: I will dot the i’s and cross the t’s. You will say that Crassus is a jobber. Crassus Springing up. I⁠— Proteus Fiercely crushing him. Sit down. Leave this to me. Crassus Sits. I a jobber! Well! Proteus Continuing. You will say that I should never have given the Home Office to a bully like Balbus⁠— Balbus Intimidated by the fate of Crassus, but unable to forbear a protest. Look here, Joe⁠— Proteus You shut up, Bert. It’s true. Balbus Subsides with a shrug. ! Proteus Well, what will happen? There will be no denials, no excuses, no vindications. We shall not fall into that trap, clever as you are at setting it. Crassus will say just simply that you are a freethinker. And Balbus will say that you are a libertine. The Male Cabinet Below their breaths. Aha‑a‑a‑a‑h!!! Proteus Now, King Magnus! Our cards are on the table. What have you to say? Magnus Admirably put! People ask how it is that with all these strong characters around you hold your own as the only possible Prime Minister, in spite of your hysterics and tantrums, your secretiveness and your appalling laziness⁠— Balbus Delighted. Hear hear! You’re getting it now, Joe. Magnus Continuing. But when the decisive moment comes, they find out what a wonderful man you are. Proteus I am not a wonderful man. There is not a man or woman here whose job I could do as well as they do it. I am Prime Minister for the same reason that all Prime Ministers have been Prime Ministers: because I am good for nothing else. But I can keep to the point⁠—when it suits me. And I can keep you to the point, sir, whether it suits you or not. Magnus At all events you do not flatter kings. One of them, at least, is grateful to you for that. Proteus Kings, as you and I very well know, rule their ministers by flattering them; and now that you are the only king left in the civilized half of Europe Nature seems to have concentrated in you all the genius for flattery that she used to have to divide between half a dozen kings, three emperors, and a Sultan. Magnus But what interest has a king in flattering a subject? Amanda Suppose she’s a good-looking woman, sir! Nicobar Suppose he has a lot of money, and the king’s hard up! Proteus Suppose he is a Prime Minister, and you can do nothing except by his advice. Magnus Smiling with his utmost charm. Ah, there you have hit the nail on the head. Well, I suppose I must surrender. I am beaten. You are all too clever for me. Boanerges Well, nothing can be fairer than that. Pliny Rubbing his hands. You are a gentleman, sir. We shan’t rub it in, you know. Balbus Ever the best of friends. I am the last to kick a man when he’s down. Crassus I may be a jobber; but nobody shall say that I am an ungenerous opponent. Boanerges

Suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, rises and begins singing in stentorian tones.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind⁠—

Amanda bursts into uncontrollable laughter. The King looks reproachfully at her, struggling hard to keep his countenance. The others are beginning to join in the chorus when Proteus rises in a fury. Proteus Are you all drunk? Dead silence. Boanerges sits down hastily. The other singers pretend that they have disapproved of his minstrelsy. Proteus You are at present engaged in a tug of war with the King: the tug of your lives. You think you have won. You haven’t. All that has happened is that the King has let go the rope. You are sprawling on your backs; and he is laughing at you. Look at him! He sits down contemptuously. Magnus Making no further attempt to conceal his merriment. Come to my rescue, Amanda. It was you who set me off. Amanda Wreathed with smiles. You got me so nicely, sir. To Boanerges. Bill: you are a great boob. Boanerges I don’t understand this, I understood His Majesty to give way to us in, I must say, the handsomest manner. Can’t we take our victory like gentlemen? Magnus Perhaps I had better explain. I quite appreciate the frank and magnanimous spirit⁠—may I say the English spirit?⁠—in which my little concession has been received, especially by you, Mr. Boanerges. But in truth it leaves matters just where they were; for I should never have dreamt of entering on a campaign of recrimination such as the Prime Minister suggested. As he has reminded you, my own character is far too vulnerable. A king is not allowed the luxury of a good character. Our country has produced millions of blameless greengrocers, but not one blameless monarch. I have to rule over more religious sects than I can count. To rule them impartially I must not belong to any