The Apple Cart

am sorry. Pliny Changing the subject. Where’s Mandy? Nicobar And Lizzie? Proteus Late as usual. Come! Business, business, business. Boanerges Thunderously. Order order! Proteus The King is working the Press against us. The King is making speeches. Things have come to a head. He said yesterday on the opening of the new Chamber of Commerce building that the king’s veto is the only remaining defence of the people against corrupt legislation. Boanerges So it is, by Jingo. What other defence is there? Democracy? Yah! We know what Democracy is worth. What we need is a Strong Man. Nicobar Sneering. Yourself for instance. Boanerges I should stand a better chance than you, my lad, if we were a Republic, and the people could choose. And let me tell you that a republican president has more power than a king because the people know that they need a Strong Man to protect them against the rich. Proteus Flinging himself back in his chair in desperation. This is a nice thing. Two Labor papers have leading articles this morning supporting the King; and the latest addition to the Cabinet here is a King’s man. I resign. General consternation except on the part of Nicobar, who displays cheerful unconcern, and of Boanerges, who squares himself with an iron face. Pliny No: don’t do that, Joe. Balbus What! Now! You can’t. You mustn’t. Crassus Of course not. Out of the question. Proteus No use. Rising. I resign, I tell you. You can all go to the devil. I have lost my health, and almost lost my reason, trying to keep this Cabinet together in the face of the cunningest enemy popular government has ever had to face. I have had enough of it. Sitting down again. I resign. Crassus But not at such a moment as this. Don’t let us swap horses when crossing a stream. Nicobar Why not, if the horse you have got is subject to hysterics? Boanerges Not to mention that you may have more than one horse at your disposal. Proteus Right you are. Perfectly true. Take my job, Nick. It’s vacant for you, Bill. I wish you joy of it. Pliny Now boys, boys, boys: be good. We can’t make a new Cabinet before Magnus comes in. You have something in your pocket, Joe. Out with it. Read it to them. Proteus Taking a paper from his pocket. What I was going to propose⁠—and you can take it or leave it⁠—is an ultimatum. Crassus Good! Proteus Either he signs this, or⁠—He pauses significantly.⁠—! Nicobar Or what? Proteus Disgusted. Oh, you make me sick. Nicobar You’re sick already, by your own account. I only ask, suppose he refuses to sign your ultimatum? Proteus You call yourself a Cabinet Minister, and you can’t answer that! Nicobar No I can’t. I press my question. You said he must sign, or. I ask, or what? Proteus Or we resign and tell the country that we can’t carry on the King’s Government under conditions which destroy our responsibility. Balbus That’ll do it. He couldn’t face that. Crassus Yes: that’ll bunker him. Proteus Is that agreed? Pliny
Crassus
Balbus Yes, yes, yes, ’greed ’greed ’greed. Boanerges I retain an open mind. Let us hear the ultimatum. Nicobar Yes: lets hear it. Proteus Memorandum of understanding arrived at⁠— The King enters, with Amanda, Postmistress General, a merry lady in uniform like the men, on his left, and Lysistrata, Powermistress General, a grave lady in academic robes, on his right. All rise. The Prime Minister’s face darkens. Magnus Welcome, gentlemen. I hope I am not too early. Noting the Prime Minister’s scowl. Am I intruding? Proteus I protest. It is intolerable. I call a conference of my Cabinet to consider our position in regard to the prerogative; and I find the two lady members, the Postmistress General and the Powermistress General, closeted with your Majesty instead of being in their places to confer with me. Lysistrata You mind your own business, Joe. Magnus Oh no: really, really, my dear Lysistrata, you must not take that line. Our business is to meddle in everybody’s business. A Prime Minister is a busybody by profession. So is a monarch. So are we all. Lysistrata Well, they say everybody’s business is nobody’s business, which is just what Joe is fit for. She takes a chair from the wall with a powerful hand, and swings it forward to the inside corner of Sempronius’s table, where she stands waiting for the King to sit down. Proteus This is what I have to put up with when I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He sits down distractedly, and buries his face in his hands. Amanda Going to him and petting him. Come, Joe! don’t make a scene. You asked for it, you know. Nicobar What do you go provoking Lizzie for like that? You know she has a temper. Lysistrata There is nothing whatever wrong with my temper. But I am not going to stand any of Joe’s nonsense; and the sooner he makes up his mind to that the smoother our proceedings are likely to be. Boanerges I protest. I say, let us be dignified. I say, let us respect ourselves and respect the throne. All this Joe and Bill and Nick and Lizzie: we might as well be hobnobbing in a fried fish shop. The Prime Minister is the prime minister: he isn’t Joe. The Powermistress isn’t Lizzie: she’s Lysis Traitor. Lysistrata Who has evidently been a schoolmistress. Certainly not, Bill. She is Ly Sistrata. You had better say Lizzie: it is easier to pronounce. Boanerges Scornfully. Ly Sistrata! A more foolish affectation I never heard: you might as well call me Bo Annerjeeze. He flings himself into his chair. Magnus Sweetly. Shall we sit, ladies and gentlemen! Boanerges hastily rises and sits down again. The King sits in Pliny’s chair. Lysistrata and the rest of the men resume their seats, leaving Pliny and Amanda standing. Amanda takes an empty chair in each hand and plants them side by side between