The Apple Cart

all that, Mr. Boanerges. But you don’t look the part, you know. Anyone can see that you belong naturally to the governing class. Boanerges Struck by this view. In a way, perhaps. But I have earned my bread by my hands. Not as a laborer, though. I am a skilled mechanic, or was until my country called on me to lead it. Magnus To Alice. Well, my dear, you have broken up a most interesting conversation, and to me a most instructive one. It’s no use our trying to go on, Mr. Boanerges: I must go and find what my daughter wants, though I strongly suspect that what she really came in for was to see my wonderful new minister. We shall meet again presently: you know that the Prime Minister is calling on me today with some of his colleagues⁠—including, I hope, yourself⁠—to discuss the crisis. Taking Alice’s arm and turning towards the door. You will excuse us, won’t you? Boanerges Graciously. Oh, that’s all right. That’s quite all right. The King and the Princess go out, apparently much pleased. Boanerges To Sempronius and Pamphilius comprehensively. Well, say what you will, the King is no fool. Not when you know how to handle him. Pamphilius Of course, that makes all the difference. Boanerges And the girl hasn’t been spoilt. I was glad to see that. She doesn’t seem to know that she is the Princess Royal, eh? Sempronius Well, she wouldn’t dream of giving herself any airs with you. Boanerges What! Isn’t she always like that? Sempronius Oh no. It’s not everybody who is received as you have been. I hope you have enjoyed your visit. Boanerges Well, I pulled Magnus through it pretty well: eh? Don’t you think so? Sempronius He was pleased. You have a way with him, Mr. President. Boanerges Well, perhaps I have, perhaps I have. A bevy of five Cabinet Ministers, resplendent in diplomatic uniforms, enters. Proteus the Prime Minister has on his left, Pliny, Chancellor of the Exchequer, good-humored and conciliatory, and Nicobar, Foreign Secretary, snaky and censorious. On his right Crassus, Colonial Secretary, elderly and anxious, and Balbus, Home Secretary, rude and thoughtless. Balbus Holy snakes! look at Bill. To Boanerges. Go home and dress yourself properly, man. Nicobar Where do you think you are? Crassus Who do you think you are? Pliny Fingering the blouse. Where did you buy it, Bill? Boanerges Turning on them like a baited bear. Well, if you come to that, who do you think you are, the lot of you? Proteus Conciliatory. Never mind them, Bill: they’re jealous because they didn’t think of it themselves. How did you get on with the King? Boanerges Right as rain, Joe. You leave the King to me. I know how to handle him. If I’d been in the Cabinet these last three months there’d have been no crisis. Nicobar He put you through it, did he? Boanerges What do you mean? put me through it? Is this a police office? Pliny The third degree is not unknown in this palace, my boy. To Pamphilius. Did the matron take a hand? Pamphilius No. But the Princess Alice happened to drop in. She was greatly impressed by the President. They all laugh uproariously at Boanerges. Boanerges What in hell are you laughing at? Proteus Take no notice of them, Bill: they are only having their bit of fun with you as a newcomer. Come, lads! enough of fooling: lets get to business. He takes the chair vacated by the King. Sempronius and Pamphilius at once rise and go out busily, taking some of their papers with them. Pliny takes Boanerges’ chair, Balbus that of Sempronius, Boanerges that of Pamphilius, whilst Nicobar and Crassus take chairs from the wall and sit down at the ends of the writing tables, left and right of the Prime Minister respectively. Proteus Now to start with, do you chaps all fully realize that though we wiped out every other party at the last election, and have been in power for the last three years, this country has been governed during that time by the King? Nicobar I don’t see that. We⁠— Proteus Impatiently. Well, if you don’t, then for Heaven’s sake either resign and get out of the way of men who can see facts and look them in the face, or else take my job and lead the party yourself. Nicobar The worst of you is that you won’t face the fact that though you’re Prime Minister you’re not God Almighty. The king can’t do anything except what we advise him to do. How can he govern the country if we have all the power and he has none? Boanerges Don’t talk silly, Nick. This india rubber stamp theory doesn’t work. What man has ever approached a king or a minister and been able to pick him up from the table and use him as you’d use a bit of wood and brass and rubber? The King’s a live man; and what more are you, with your blessed advice? Pliny Hullo, Bill! You have been having your mind improved by somebody. Boanerges What do you mean? Isn’t it what I have always said? Proteus Whose nerves are on edge. Oh, will you stop squabbling. What are we going to say to the King when he comes in? If you will only hold together and say the same thing⁠—or let me say it⁠—he must give way. But he is as artful as the very devil. He’ll have a pin to stick into the seat of every man of you. If you all start quarrelling and scolding and bawling, which is just what he wants you to do, it will end in his having his own way as usual, because one man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven’t and don’t. Pliny Steady, Prime Minister. You’re overwrought. Proteus It’s enough to drive a man mad. I