The Adventurous Simplicissimus

reflect, and to lament the noble opportunities which had aforetime been granted to me for the furthering of my fortunes, which yet I had so wantonly let go by. I looked back and marked how my extraordinary luck in war and my treasure-trove had been naught but a cause and preparation for my ill fortune, which had never been able to cast me so far down had it not by a false countenance first raised me so high. Yea, I found that the good things that had happened to me, and which I had accounted truly good, had been truly bad, and had brought me to the depth of misery. Now was there no longer a hermit to deal so faithfully with me, no Colonel Ramsay to rescue me in my need, no priest to give me good advice; and, in a word, no one man that would do me a good turn: but when my money was gone I was told to be off and find a place elsewhere, and might, like the prodigal son, be glad to herd with the swine. So now first I bethought me of that priest’s good advice, that counselled I should employ my youth and my wealth for study: but ’twas too late to shut the stable-door now that the horse was stolen. O swift and miserable change! Four weeks ago I was a fellow to move princes to wonder, to charm women, and that made the people believe me a masterpiece of nature, yea an angel, but now so wretched that the very dogs did bark at me. I bethought me a thousand times what I must do: for the host turned me from the door so soon as I could pay no more. Gladly would I have enlisted, but no recruiting officer would take me as a soldier, for I looked like a scarecrow: work could I not, for I was still too weak, and besides used to no handicraft. Nothing did comfort me more than that ’twas now summer coming, and I could at a pinch lodge behind any hedge, for none would suffer me in any house. I had my fine apparel still, that I had had made for my journey, besides a valise full of costly linen that none would buy from me as fearing I might saddle him also with the disease. This I set on my shoulder, my sword in my hand and the road under my feet, which led me to a little town that even possessed an apothecary’s shop. Into this I went, and bade him make me an ointment to do away the pockmarks on my face, and because I had no money I gave him a fine soft shirt; for he was not so nice as the other fools that would take no clothes of me. For, I thought, if thou art but rid of these vile spots, ’twill soon better thy case for thee.

Yea, and I took the more heart because the apothecary assured me that in a week one would see little except the deep scars that the sores had eaten in my face. ’Twas market-day there, and there too was a tooth-drawer that earned much money, in return for which he was always ready with his ribald jests for the crowd. “O fool,” says I to myself, “why dost thou not also set up such a trade? Beest thou so long with Monsieur Canard, and hast not learned enough to deceive a simple peasant and get thy victuals? Then must thou be a poor creature indeed.”

VI

How He Became a Vagabond Quack and a Cheat

Now at that time was I as hungry as a hunter: for my belly was not to be appeased; and yet I had naught in my poke save a single golden ring with a diamond that was worth some twenty crowns. This I sold for twelve: and because I could plainly see these would last but for a time if I could earn nothing besides, I determined to turn doctor. So I bought me the materials for an electuary and made it up: likewise out of herbs, roots, butter, and aromatic oils a green salve for all wounds, wherewith one might have cured a galled horse: also out of calamine, gravel, crab’s-eyes, emery, and pumice-stone a powder to make the teeth white: furthermore a blue tincture out of lye, copper, sal ammoniac and camphor, to cure scurvy, toothache, and eye-ache. Likewise I got me a number of little boxes of tin and wood to put my wares in; and to make a reputable show I had me a bill composed and printed in French, on which could be read for what purpose each of these remedies was fitted. And in three days I was ended with my task, and had scarce spent three crowns on my drugs and gallipots when I left the town. So I packed all up and determined to walk from one village to another as far as Alsace and to dispose of my wares on the way, and thereafter, if opportunity offered, to get to the Rhine at Strasbourg to betake myself with the traders to Cologne, and from there to make my way to my wife. Which design was good, but the plan failed altogether.

Now the first time I took my stand before a church with my wares and offered them my gain was small indeed, for I was far too shamefaced, and neither would my talk nor my bragging patter run well: and from that I saw at once I must go another way to work if I would gain money. So I went with my trumpery into the inn, and at dinner I learned from the host that in the afternoon all manner of folk would come together under the lime-tree before his house. And there he said I might sell something, if only my wares were good: but there were so many rogues