I say naught of the stories I have read of amorous intercourse that hath its beginning and end in a church; for I could not now remember all I could tell thee of that. Yet canst thou see how men do not only defile churches with their vices while they live but do fill them with their vanity and folly after they be dead. Go thou now into a church, and there by the gravestones and epitaphs thou wilt see how they that the worms have long ago devoured do yet boast themselves: look thou up and there wilt thou see more shields and helmets, and swords and banners, and boots and spurs than in many an armoury: so that ’tis no wonder that in this war the peasants have fought for their own in churches as if ’twere in fortresses. And why, then, should it not be allowed to me⁠—to me, I say, as a soldier⁠—to ply my trade in a church, whereas aforetime two holy fathers did for the mere sake of precedence cause such a bloodbath in a church32 that ’twas more like to a slaughterhouse than a holy place? Yea, I would not so act if any did come here to do God’s service; for I am but of the lay people: yet they, that were clergymen, respected not the high majesty of the emperor himself. And why should it be forbidden to me to earn my living by the church when so many do so earn it? And is it just that so many a rich man can for a fee be buried in the church to bear witness of his own pride and his friends’ pride, while yet the poor man (that may have been as good a Christian as he and perchance a better), that can pay naught, must be buried in a corner without? ’Tis as a man looks upon it: had I but known that thou wouldst scruple so to lay wait in a church I had devised another answer for thee: but in the meanwhile have thou patience till I can persuade thee to a better mind.”

Now would I fain have answered Oliver that they were but lewd fellows that did dishonour the churches as did he, and that they would yet have their reward. Yet as I trusted him not, and had already once quarrelled with him, I let it pass. Thereafter he asked me to tell him how it had fared with me since we parted before Wittstock, and moreover why I had had the jester’s clothes on when I came into the camp before Magdeburg. Yet as my throat did mightily pain me, I did excuse myself and prayed him he would tell me the story of his life, that perchance might have strange happenings in it. To that did he agree, and began in this manner to tell me of his wicked life.

XVI

Of Oliver’s Descent, and How He Behaved in His Youth, and Specially at School

“My father,” said Oliver, “was born not far from Aachen town of poor parents, for which reason he must in his youth take service with a rich trader that dealt in copper wares: and there did he carry himself so well that his master had him taught to write, read, and reckon, and set him over his whole household as did Potiphar Joseph. And that was well for both parties, for the merchant’s wealth grew more and more through my father’s zeal and prudence, and my father became prouder and prouder through his prosperity, so that he grew ashamed of his parents and despised them, of which they complained, yet to no purpose. So when he was five-and-twenty years of age, then died the merchant, and left an aged widow and one daughter, which last had played the fool and was not barren: but her child soon followed his grandfather. Thereupon my father, when he saw her at once fatherless and childless but not moneyless, cared not at all that she could wear no maiden’s garland again, but began to pay her court, the which her mother well allowed, not only because her daughter might so recover her reputation but also because my father possessed all knowledge of the business and in especial could well wield the Jews’ Spear.33 And so by this marriage was my father in a moment a rich man and I his son and heir, whom for his wealth’s sake he caused to be tenderly brought up: so was I kept in clothes like a young nobleman, in food like a baron, and in attendance like a count, for all which I had more to thank copper and calamine than silver and gold.

“So before I reached my seventh year I had given good proof of what I was to be, for the nettle that is to be stings early: no roguery was too bad for me, and where I could play any man a trick I failed not to do so, for neither father nor mother punished me for it. I tramped with young rascals like myself through thick and thin in the streets and was already bold enough to fight boys stronger than myself: and did I get beat, my foolish parents would say, ‘How now? Is a great fellow like that to beat a mere child?’ But if I won (for I would scratch and bite and throw stones), then said they, ‘Our little Oliver will turn out a fine fellow.’ And with that my indolence grew: for praying I was yet too young: and if I did curse like a trooper, ’twas said I knew not what I said. So I became worse and worse till I was sent to school: and there I did carry out what other wicked lads do mostly think of, yet dare not practise. And if I spoiled or tore my books, my mother would buy me others

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