IV
Concerning the Man That Pays the Money, and of the Military Service That Simplicissimus Did for the Crown of Sweden: Through Which Service He Got the Name of Simplicissimus
But now, as they began to carouse and to make merry as they had done the day before, the watch brings news, together with the delivery of letters to the Governor, of a commissary that was at the gate, which same was appointed by the war council of the Crown of Sweden to review the garrison and survey the fortress. Such news spoiled all jesting, and all jollity died away like the bellows of a bagpipe when the wind is gone out. The minstrels and the guests dispersed themselves even as tobacco-smoke, which leaves but a smell behind it: while my lord, with the adjutant who kept the keys, betook himself, together with a detachment from the Mainguard and many torches, to the very gates, himself to give admittance to the Blackguts, as he called him: he wished, he said, the devil had broke his neck in a thousand pieces ere ever he came to the city. Yet so soon as he had let him in and welcomed him upon the inner drawbridge it wanted but a little, or nothing at all, but he would hold his stirrup for him to show his devotion; yea, the courtesy to all outward show was between the two so great that the Commissary must dismount and walk on foot with my lord even to his lodging; and as they walked each would have the left-hand place.
Then thought I, “Oh, what a wondrous spirit of falsehood doth govern all mankind, and so doth make one a fool through another’s help.”
So we drew near to the Mainguard, and the sentinel must call “Who goes there?” though well he knew it was my lord: who would not answer but would leave the honour to that other: yet when the sentinel grew more impatient and repeated his challenge, the Commissary answered to the last “Who goes there?” “The man who pays the money.”
Now as we passed the sentry-box, and I came last of all, I heard the before-mentioned sentry, which was a new recruit, and before that by profession a well-to-do young farmer on the Vogelsberg, thus murmur to himself: “Yea, and a lying customer thou art: a man, forsooth, that pays the money? a skin-the-flint that takes the money, that art thou. So much money hast thou wrung from me that I would to God thou wert struck dead before thou shouldst leave this town.”
So from that hour I conceived this belief that this foreign lord with the silk doublet must be a holy man: for not only did no curse harm him, but also even they that hated him showed him all honour and love and kindness: and that night was he princely entreated and made blind drunk, and thereafter put to bed in a noble bed-place.
Next day, then, at the review of the troops everything was at sixes and sevens. And even I, poor simple creature, was clever enough to cheat that clever commissary (for to such offices and administrations ye may well know they do choose no simple babes). Which same deceit I learned in less than an hour; for the whole art consisted therein, to beat five with the right hand and four with the left on a drum. For yet I was too little to represent a musketeer. So they furnished me forth to that end with borrowed clothes (for my short page’s breeches were in no wise military to look upon) and with a borrowed drum: without doubt for this reason, that I myself was but borrowed: and with all this I came happily through the inspection. Thereafter, nevertheless, would no one trust my simple mind to keep in my memory any unaccustomed name, hearing which I should answer to it and step out of the ranks: and so must I keep the name of Simplicius; and for a surname the Governor himself added that of Simplicissimus, and so had me written down in the muster-roll. And so he made me like a bastard, the first of my family; and that although, after his own showing, I looked so like his own sister. So ever thereafter I bore this name and surname, until I knew my right name: and under that name I played my part pretty well to the profit of the Governor and small danger to the Crown of Sweden. And this is all the service that ever I rendered to the crown of Sweden in all my life: and the enemies of that crown can at least not lay more than this to my charge.
V
How Simplicissimus Was by Four Devils Brought Into Hell and There Treated with Spanish Wine
Now when the Commissary had gone the abovementioned pastor bade me come secretly to him to his lodging; and then said he, “O Simplicissimus: for thy youth I am sorry, and thy future misery moveth me to sympathy. Hear, my child, and know of a surety, that thy master hath determined to deprive thee of all reason and so to make of thee a fool: yea, and to that end hath he already commanded raiment to be made ready for thee. So tomorrow must thou go to school: and in that school thou art to unlearn thy reason: and in that school without doubt they will so grievously torment thee, that, unless God help thee and other means be used against it,
