The Adventurous Simplicissimus

without doubt thou wilt become a madman. Now, because such is a wrong and dangerous manner of dealing; and likewise because I, for thy hermit’s piety’s sake and for thine own innocence’ sake, desire to serve thee, and with true Christian love to assist thee with counsel and all necessary help, and to give thee relief in trouble, therefore follow thou now my teaching and take this powder, which will in such wise strengthen thy brain and wits that thou, without danger to thine understanding, mayst endure all things most easily. Here likewise hast thou an ointment, with which thou must smear thy temples, thy spine and the nape of thy neck, and also thy nostrils; and both these things must thou use at evening-time when thou goest to bed, seeing at no time thou wilt be safe against being fetched forth from thy bed: but look thou that no one be ware of this my warning and the remedy that I impart to thee; else might it go ill with me and thee. And when they shall have thee under their accursed treatment, do thou heed not nor believe not all of which they will strive to persuade thee, and yet so carry thyself as if thou believest all. Say but little, lest thine attendants mark in thy conduct that they do but thresh straw; for then will they change the fashion of thy torments; though in truth I know not in what manner they will go about to deal with thee. But when thou shalt be clad in thy plumes and thy fool’s coat, then come again to me that I may further serve thee with counsel. And meanwhile will I pray God for thee, that He may protect thine understanding and thy health of body.”

With that he gives me the said powder and ointment, and so I betook myself home.

Now even as the pastor had said, so it happened. In my first sleep came four rogues disguised with frightful devils’ masks into my room and to my bed, and there they capered around like mountebanks and twelfth-night fools. There had one a red-hot hook and another a torch in his hands; but the other two fell upon me and dragged me out of bed and danced around with me for a time, and then forced me to put on my clothes: while I so pretended as if I had taken them for true and natural devils, shrieked murder at the top of my voice, and showed all the effects of the greatest terror. So they told me I must go with them: and with that they bound a napkin round my head so that I could neither see, hear nor cry out. Then they led me by many winding ways up and down many stairs, and at last into a cellar wherein was a great fire burning, and when they had unbound the napkin then they began to drink to me in Spanish wine and malmsey. And fain would they persuade me I was dead, and what is more, in the depths of hell: for I was careful to keep such a carriage as if I believed all that they pretended.

Then said they, “Drink lustily; for thou must forever abide with us: but if thou wilt not be a good fellow and take thy part, thou must forthwith into this fire that thou seest.”

These poor devils would have disguised their speech and voice: yet I marked at once they were my lord’s grooms: yet I let them not perceive this, but laughed in my sleeve that they that would make me a fool must themselves be my fools. So I drank my share of the Spanish wine; but they drank more than I, for such heavenly nectar cometh rarely to such customers; insomuch that I could swear they would be drunk sooner than I. But when it seemed to me to be the right time I so behaved myself with reeling this way and that, as I had seen my master’s guests lately do, and at last would drink no more, but sleep; but no: they began to chase me all round the cellar and prick me with their prong, which all the time they had left to lie in the fire, till it seemed as if they themselves had gone mad, and that to make me drink more or at least not go to sleep. And whenever, being thus baited, I fell down (and this I often did purposely), then they seized upon me and made as if they would cast me into the fire. So was it with me as with a hawk that is kept from sleep:10 and this was my great torment. ’Tis true I could have lasted them out both in respect of drunkenness and sleep; but they stayed not all the time altogether, but relieved one another’s watch; and so at last must I have failed. Three days and two nights did I spend in that smoky cellar, which had no other light but that which the fire gave out: and so my head began to hum and to feel as if ’twould burst, so that at last I must contrive some device to rid me at once of my torment and of my tormentors. And this did I even as does the fox when he cannot escape the hounds, and that so well that my devils could no longer endure to be near me. So to punish me they laid me in a sheet and trounced me so unmercifully that all my inward parts might well have come out, soul and all. And what they did further with me I know not, so gone was I from my senses.

VI

How Simplicissimus Went Up to Heaven and Was Turned Into a Calf

Now when I came to myself I found myself no longer in the gloomy cellar with the devils, but in a fine room