The Adventurous Simplicissimus

under the charge of three of the foulest old wives that ever the earth bore: I held them at first, when I opened my eyes a little, for real spirits of hell: but had I then read the old heathen poets I should have deemed them to be the Furies, or at least have taken one for Tisiphone come from hell to rob me, like Athamas, of my wits (for well I knew I was there to be turned into a fool). For she had a pair of eyes like two will-o’-the-wisps, and between the same a long, thin hawk’s nose whose end or point reached at least to her lower lip: and two teeth only could I see in her mouth, and those so perfect, long, round, and thick that each might for its form be likened to a ring-finger, and for its colour to the gold ring itself. In a word, there was enough to make up a mouthful of teeth, yet ill distributed. Her face was like Spanish leather, and her grey hair hung in a strange confusion about her head, for they had but just fetched her from her bed. In truth it was a fearsome sight, which could serve for nought else but as an excellent remedy against the unreasonable lust of a salacious goat. The other two were no whit handsomer, save that they had blunt apes’ noses and had put on their clothes somewhat more orderly. So when I had a little recovered myself, I perceived that the one was our dishwasher and the other two wives of two grooms. I pretended as though I could not move (and in truth I was in no condition for dancing): whereupon these honest old beldames stripped me stark naked and cleansed me from all filth like a young child; yea, while the work was a-doing they showed me great patience and much compassion, insomuch that I nearly revealed to them how it truly stood with me: yet I thought, “Nay, Simplicissimus, trust thou in no old women; but consider thou hast victory enough if thou in thy youth canst deceive three such crafty old hags, with whose help one could catch the devil in the open field: from such beginnings thou mayst hope in thine old age to do yet greater things.”

So when they had ended with me they laid me in a splendid bed wherein I fell asleep without rocking: but they departed and took their tubs and other things wherewith they had washed me away with them, and my clothes likewise. Then according to my reckoning did I sleep at one stretch twenty-four hours: and when I awoke there stood two pretty lads with wings before my bed, which were finely decked out with white shirts, taffety ribbons, pearls and jewels, as also golden chains and the like dazzling trinkets. One had a gilded trencher full of cakes, shortbread, marchpane, and other confectionery; but the other a gilded flagon in his hand. These two angels (for such they gave themselves out to be) sought to persuade me I was now in heaven, for that I had happily endured purgatory and had escaped from the devil and his dam: so need I only ask what my heart desired, for all that I could wish was at hand or, if not, they could presently fetch it. Now I was tormented by thirst, and as I saw the beaker before me I desired only drink, which was willingly handed to me. Yet was it no wine but a gentle sleeping-draught which I drank at one pull, and with that again fell asleep so soon as it grew warm within me.

The next day I woke once more (for else had I still been sleeping), yet found myself no longer in bed nor in the aforesaid room, but in mine old goose-pen. There too was hideous darkness even as in the cellar, and besides that I had on a garment of calfskins whereof the rough side was turned outwards: the breeches were cut in Polish or Swabian fashion and the doublet too shaped in a yet more foolish wise: and on my neck was a headpiece like a monk’s cowl; this was drawn down over my head and ornamented with a fine pair of great asses’ ears. Then must I perforce laugh at mine own plight; for well I saw by the nest and the feathers what manner of bird I was to be. And at that time I first began to reason with myself and to reflect what I had best do. So this I determined: to play the fool to the uttermost, as I might have the chance now and again, and meanwhile to wait with patience how my fate would shape itself.

VII

How Simplicissimus Accommodated Himself to the State of a Brute Beast

Now it had been easy for me, by means of the hole which the mad ensign had cut in the door before, to free myself. But because I must now be a fool, I let that alone: and not only did I behave like a fool who hath not the wit of his own motion to release himself, but did even present myself as a hungry calf that pineth for its mother: nor was it long before my bleating was heard of them that were appointed to watch me; for presently there came two soldiers to the goose-pen and asked who was in there. So I answered: “Ye fools, hear ye not that a calf is in here.” And with that they opened the pen and brought me out, and wondered how a calf could so speak: which forced performance became them even as well as doth the awkward attempt of a new-recruited comedian who cannot play his part; and that so much so that I thought often I must help them to play their jest out. So they took counsel what they should do with me, and agreed