the philosophers’ stone about with him.” “Yea,” said I, “but how can Germany be so long in peace with all these different religions? Will not the opposing clergy urge on their flocks and so hatch another war?” “No, no,” says Jupiter, “my hero will know how to meet that difficulty cleverly, and before all things to unite all Christian religions in the world.” “O wonderful,” said I, “that were indeed a great work! How could it come about?” “I will with all my heart reveal it to thee,” answered Jupiter, “for after my hero hath made peace for all mankind he will address all the heads of the Christian world both spiritual and temporal, in a most moving speech, and so excellently impress upon them their hitherto most pernicious divisions in belief, that of themselves they will desire a general reconciliation and give over to him the accomplishment of such according to his own great wisdom. Then will he gather together the most skilful, most learned, and most pious theologians of all religions and appoint for them a place, as did once Ptolemy for the seventy-two translators, in a cheerful and yet quiet spot, where one can consider weighty matters undisturbed, and there provide them all with meat and drink and all necessaries, and command them so soon as possible, and yet with the ripest and most careful consideration, first to lay aside the strifes that there be between their religions, and next to set down in writing and with full clearness the right, true, holy Christian religion in accordance with Holy Writ; and with most ancient tradition, the recognised sense of the Fathers. At which time Pluto will sorely scratch his head as fearing the lessening of his kingdom: yea, and will devise all manner of plans and tricks to foist in an ‘and,’ and if not to stop the whole thing, yet at least to postpone it
sine die, that is forever. So will he hint to each theologian of his interest, his order, his peaceful life, his wife and child, and his privileges, and aught else that might sway his inclinations. But my brave hero also will not be idle: he will so long as this council shall last have all the bells in Christendom rung, and so call all Christian people to pray without ceasing to the Almighty, and to ask for the sending of the Spirit of Truth. And if he shall see that one or another doth allow himself to be tempted by Pluto, then will he plague the whole assembly with hunger as in a Roman conclave, and if they yet delay to complete so holy a work, then will he preach them all a sermon through the gallows, or show them his wonderful sword, and so first with kindness, but at last with severity and threats, bring them to come to the business in hand, and no longer as before to befool the world with their stiff-necked false doctrines. So when unity is arrived at, then will he proclaim a great festival and declare to the whole world this purified religion; and whosoever opposes it, him will he torment with pitch and sulphur or smear that heretic with box-grease and present him to Pluto as a New Year’s gift. And now, dear Ganymede, thou knowest all thou didst desire to know: and now tell me in turn the reason why thou hast left heaven, where thou hast poured me so many a draught of nectar.”
VI
How the Embassy of the Fleas Fared with Jupiter
Now methought ’twas possible this fellow might be no such fool as he pretended, but might be serving me as I had served others in Hanau to escape from us the better: so I determined to put him in a passion, for in such plight it is easiest to know a real madman; and says I, “The reason I am come down from heaven is that I missed thee there, and so took Daedalus’s wings and flew down to earth to seek thee. But when I came to ask for thee I found thee in all places but of ill repute; for Zoilus and Momus have throughout the world so slandered thee and all the other gods, and decried ye as wanton and stinking, that ye have lost all credit with mankind. Thyself, say they, beest a lousy, adulterous caperer after womankind; how canst thou then, punish the world for such vices? Vulcan they say is but a poltroon that let pass Mars’s adultery without proper revenge; and how can that halting cuckold forge any weapons of note? Venus, too, is for her unchastity the most infamous baggage in the world: and how can she endow another with grace and favour? Mars they say is but a murderer and a robber; Apollo a shameless lecher; Mercury an idle chatterer, thief and pander; Priapus filth; Hercules a brainsick ruffian; and, in a word, the whole crew of the gods so ill famed that they should of right be lodged nowhere but in Augeas’s stable, which even without them stinks in the nostrils of all the world.”
“Aha;” says Jupiter, “and who would wonder if I laid aside my graciousness and punished these wretched slanderers and blasphemous liars with thunder and lightning? How thinkest thou, my true and beloved Ganymede, shall I curse these chatterers with eternal thirst like Tantalus, or hang them up with that loose talker Daphitas on Mount Thorax, or grind them with Anaxarchus in a mortar, or set them in Phalaris’s red-hot bull of Agrigent? Nay, nay, Ganymede: all these plagues and punishments together are too little: I will fill Pandora’s box anew and empty it upon the rogues’ heads: then Nemesis shall wake the furies and send them at their heels, and Hercules shall borrow Cerberus from Pluto and hunt those wicked knaves with him like wolves, and when I have in this wise chased and tormented them enough, then will
