The Inspector General

for you, to burden yourself with such promises? Governor Why not, my dear? It’s possible occasionally. Anna Of course it’s possible. But you can’t give protection to every small potato. Korobkin’s Wife Do you hear the way she speaks of us? Guest She’s always been that way. I know her. Seat her at table and she’ll put her feet on it.

Scene VIII

The same and the Postmaster, who rushes in with an unsealed letter in his hand.

Postmaster	A most astonishing thing, ladies and gentlemen! The official whom we took to be an inspector general is not an inspector general.
All	How so? Not an inspector general?
Postmaster	No, not a bit of it. I found it out from the letter.
Governor	What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What letter?
Postmaster	His own letter. They bring a letter to the post office, I glance at the address and I see Pochtamtskaya Street. I was struck dumb. “Well,” I think to myself, “I suppose he found something wrong in the post office department and is informing the government.” So I unsealed it.
Governor	How could you?
Postmaster	I don’t know myself. A supernatural power moved me. I had already summoned a courier to send it off by express; but I was overcome by a greater curiosity than I have ever felt in my life. “I can’t, I can’t,” I hear a voice telling me. “I can’t.” But it pulled me and pulled me. In one ear I heard, “Don’t open the letter. You will die like a chicken,” and in the other it was just as if the devil were whispering, “Open it, open it.” And when I cracked the sealing wax, I felt as if I were on fire; and when I opened the letter, I froze, upon my word, I froze. And my hands trembled, and everything whirled around me.
Governor	But how did you dare to open it? The letter of so powerful a personage?
Postmaster	But that’s just the point⁠—he’s neither powerful nor a personage.
Governor	Then what is he in your opinion?
Postmaster	He’s neither one thing nor another. The devil knows what he is.
Governor	Furiously. How neither one thing nor another? How do you dare to call him neither one thing nor another? And the devil knows what besides? I’ll put you under arrest.
Postmaster	Who⁠—you?
Governor	Yes, I.
Postmaster	You haven’t the power.
Governor	Do you know that he’s going to marry my daughter? That I myself am going to be a high official and will have the power to exile to Siberia?
Postmaster	Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia! Siberia is far away. I’d rather read the letter to you. Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to read the letter.
All	Do read it.
Postmaster	Reads. “I hasten to inform you, my dear friend, what wonderful things have happened to me. On the way here an infantry captain did me out of my last penny, so that the innkeeper here wanted to send me to jail, when suddenly, thanks to my St. Petersburg appearance and dress, the whole town took me for a governor-general. Now I am staying at the governor’s home. I am having a grand time and I am flirting desperately with his wife and daughter. I only haven’t decided whom to begin with. I think with the mother first, because she seems ready to accept all terms. You remember how hard up we were taking our meals wherever we could without paying for them, and how once the pastry cook grabbed me by the collar for having charged pies that I ate to the king of England? Now it is quite different. They lend me all the money I want. They are an awful lot of originals. You would split your sides laughing at them. I know you write for the papers. Put them in your literature. In the first place the Governor is as stupid as an old horse⁠—”
Governor	Impossible! That can’t be in the letter.
Postmaster	Showing the letter. Read for yourself.
Governor	Reads. “As an old horse.” Impossible! You put it in yourself.
Postmaster	How could I?
Artemy	Go on reading.
Luka	Go on reading.
Postmaster	Continuing to read. “The Governor is as stupid as an old horse⁠—”
Governor	Oh, the devil! He’s got to read it again. As if it weren’t there anyway.
Postmaster	Continuing to read. H’m, h’m⁠—“an old horse. The Postmaster is a good man, too.” Stops reading. Well, here he’s saying something improper about me, too.
Governor	Go on⁠—read the rest.
Postmaster	What for?
Governor	The deuce take it! Once we have begun to read it, we must read it all.
Artemy	If you will allow me, I will read it. Puts on his eyeglasses and reads. “The Postmaster is just like the porter Mikheyev in our office, and the scoundrel must drink just as hard.”
Postmaster	To the audience. A bad boy! He ought to be given a licking. That’s all.
Artemy	Continues to read. “The Superintendent of Char‑i‑i⁠—” Stammers.
Korobkin	Why did you stop?
Artemy	The handwriting isn’t clear. Besides, it’s evident that he’s a blackguard.
Korobkin	Give it to me. I believe my eyesight is better.
Artemy	Refusing to give up the letter. No. This part can be omitted. After that it’s legible.
Korobkin	Let me have it please. I’ll see for myself.
Artemy	I can read it myself. I tell you that after this part it’s all legible.
Postmaster	No, read it all. Everything so far could be read.
All	Give him the letter, Artemy Filippovich, give it to him. To Korobkin. You read it.
Artemy	Very well. Gives up the letter. Here it is. Covers a part of it with his finger. Read from here on. All press him.
Postmaster	Read it all, nonsense, read it all.
Korobkin	Reading. “The Superintendent of Charities, Zemlianika, is a regular pig in a cap.”
Artemy	To the audience. Not a bit witty. A pig in a cap! Have you ever seen a pig wear a cap?
Korobkin	Continues reading. “The School Inspector reeks of onions.”
Luka	To the audience. Upon my word, I never put an