The words had no meaning for Karen. How many more things could Pat think up? With Al, Karen thought hazily, it would have meant doing so little and getting so much! And with Pat, doing everything meant getting nothing, nothing at all… Pay! Suffer!
Karen watched the man remove his clothing. He wasn't really as awful in appearance as Karen expected him to be, nor was he at all vulgar in his speech or treatment of her. She had followed Pat's instructions to the letter, undressing in the man's presence, even saying the right things to him at the right time. She didn't know how she had accomplished it all. Pat had told her to think of herself as an actress playing a role. It hadn't been nearly as difficult as she had expected.
'I'll leave this up here, okay?' The man, graying and not out of his early fifties, indicated a folded stack of crisp bills. He came to the bed, brightly-colored shorts his only covering. His body was soft from the years of sitting at a desk.
'Fine.' Karen felt the tension start in again as the man lowered his heavy body on the edge of the bed and removed his final garment.
He then stood up and turned to her. He was obviously proud of the one part of his body which hadn't aged or grown soft. He showed the readiness of a young man.
Karen hadn't minded his eyes on her naked body before this. She had left her modesty back in the house by the beach. But now, with his body alert and threatening, Karen had to fight against the urge to cover herself from his eyes. She steeled herself. It mattered so very little… Suffer!
'Move over, honey,' the man said, easing himself in the bed beside her.
The touch of his bare flesh against her body was vile. She barely managed to suppress her repugnance. She remembered what Pat had said about not feeling anything. She hoped it would work.
The man's eyes became slits. 'I want it to be good for you, too. Do you like to play around for a while, or get right to it?'
'What – whatever you want.' Karen tried to keep her voice natural. It was one of the most difficult things she had ever tried to do. 'I like it either way,' she stammered.
'Good!' The man captured one of her mountainous breasts between his two hands and rolled it loosely. Then he lowered his face to a pink nipple. His teeth were sharp.
Karen closed her eyes. She felt no pleasure, but at the same time the feeling was not as repulsive as she thought it might be. His mouth was hot and hungry. Karen was unmoved by it. If only she could retain this feeling of distance, she could live through this.
'Beautiful, beautiful,' the man was mumbling. He took her hand and placed it on his stiff meat.
Karen wanted to jerk her hand away. The touch of him made her want to be sick. But, with a nearly masochistic willingness, she allowed her hand to stay where it was. She was his, bought and paid for. The least she could do was see that he got his money's worth. She started, instead, to twist her thoughts away from the room. If there was anything at all in what Pat said, Karen was more than willing to give it a chance. But the only thing she found she wanted to think of was Al, and she couldn't think of him now!
The man was content to probe and kiss her body for a long time. He was especially fascinated with her breasts. He touched her young body obsessively, not wanting to miss an inch of its loveliness.
Karen thought of a scene she and Pat had seen from one of those cars in which they had hitchhiked. It was a simple, overrun garden blocked from human eyes by the thick walls of a fire-ruined home at the edge of a cliff. She had particularly liked an ancient apple tree, its trunk was ravished and gnarled, yet, small buds peeked out of the branches, assuring nature of its victory over disaster.
The garden was almost real to her. She could nearly feel, smell and see it. She found herself thinking of Al and their shattered marriage before she could censor herself. Then Karen realized why the garden scene kept urging thoughts of Allen into her mind. Their marriage had been like that. Calm and vaguely wrong, like the house by the garden, which she now remembered as being much too modern, far too incongruous with the rolling garden it tried to obliterate. They had been like that, and their own personal fire had come along. If it hadn't been Pat, it almost certainly would have been something or someone else. There had been too little either of them were willing to do… Although the fire had destroyed their house utterly, new grasses, the seeds of those which had been there all that terrible time, were taking hold and growing again. That was the way it had been with the garden. Wasn't it also the way their marriage was? The fire had done immense damage, but was it really irremediable? Wasn't the excitement she felt at the thought of her husband like those tender new grasses? A rebirth? Allen had said he still loved her, wanted her back… Even in a fire, Karen remembered, the basic foundation was very rarely demolished.
The man had almost drugged himself with her succulent young body. He was ready for the big trip now. He freed himself from the hand which held him tightly. He looked into the girl's face. It was impressive. He wondered curiously if she was getting anything out of this at all, or if she was just another indifferent whore. Not that it mattered. He was getting what he wanted.
The enormous pressure of a large body lowering itself onto her brought Karen instantly back to reality. She realized that she really didn't have to fear going back to Allen with her past! Now that she understood the past and felt she could learn from it, the past was dead, unimportant. Like the garden. All that really mattered were the seeds and the foundation. There would never again be the need for guilt to weigh either of them down! At times, a reinforced article worked better than a new one. A mended broken bone was twice as strong.
'Here we go, baby,' the man was saying as he parted her smooth thighs with his hands.
In order for her and Al to have the slightest chance, they each had to do more than just respect each other, Karen thought frantically. They had to respect themselves! It had to start now!
Every trace of listlessness evaporated in a shower of elated hope. Karen used her hands so suddenly the man never had a chance to protect his position. She managed to lift his large body off herself, pushing the man without a trace of gentleness to the floor.
'I'm sorry! It's over!' she said, leaping from the bed. She was half into a pair of jeans and shirt before the man got up.
'What the hell is this?' he demanded. His shocked body was softening.
'It's over. Either take your money and go, or stick around. My friend will return soon. I'm sure she'd be more than willing to help you out.' Karen pulled a brush through her long hair quickly, wishing she could take more time with her appearance. But, it was Friday night – Karen wanted to get home before Al returned from school. She wanted to fix him some dinner – she couldn't imagine what he might be eating these days! She wanted to straighten the house. There was so much she wanted to do!
Karen looked around the room, ignoring the still naked man who sat dumbly on the bed. This, she knew, was still another example of a lifelong pattern. She had always gotten her way, even when in her life with Al it had meant endangering their entire marriage. Mother – guilt – run… Allen – guilt – run… Pat – guilt – run? Wasn't she now planning to complete the cycle? Wasn't she about to run again, even if this were, in effect, a run to reality?
Strength flowed through her veins now. She was strong enough to work out her own problems! She could never go back to Al until she had taken care of the biggest problem of all. Her idea of being home to greet Al would have to wait. She would bring him something warmer than a hot dinner, something cleaner than a spotless house. She would bring herself, free of Pat and her crippling guilt forever. She would never really be free of Pat until she was immune to the girl's fury and tears.
'On second thought, take your money and go. There's nothing here for you tonight.' Karen didn't even hear the man's muffled curses as he dressed and left the apartment. He took the money from the dresser before he left.
Karen sat down on the one chair in the apartment, waiting patiently for Pat to return. She wasn't looking forward to telling Pat her decision, but doing it was vital. She couldn't bring her problem home for Al to solve. They would have enough of their own.
