'But don't you see? It's too late,' Karen said quickly. 'Too much has happened. With me. Pat and me…'
'It doesn't matter. That's what you have to believe! I think I understand what happened. It's not just that I forgive you, it's more that I want you to forgive me! Let's try again. I know…'
'It's too late, don't you understand? The kind of life I've led… You wouldn't even want me if you knew.' Karen was near tears. It hurt to keep them inside.
'I don't care!' Allen spoke very clearly. She had to believe him! Sweat streamed from his brow. 'Karen, before you hang up just listen to this. It's so important. After what I've done to us I'm in no position to expect much understanding from you. But, Karen, honey, I just want you to know that I'll wait forever if I have to. And if you come back…' His voice cracked slightly. 'When you come back, it will be different. It will have to be a new start. We'll be different people. Karen, come back. I'll wait…'
'Allen! I have to go. Now. Don't say anything else, please… I can't take it…' Karen realized she was pleading. Yet she didn't want to hang up. His voice had a wonderfully warm sound.
'All right. Just one more thing. Do you still have your key?'
'Yes,' Karen whispered weakly. She was dimly aware of Pat switching off the hot water tap for the short stand under the icy water she liked before ending her shower.
'Use it. Anytime. I'll be waiting and praying for the day you do.'
Karen hung up slowly. She wiped the tears from her eyes and threw herself across the bed. She hoped Pat didn't question her. She wasn't up to it now.
But she didn't have to worry. Pat didn't even notice anything wrong when she came out of the bathroom. She was too excited over the day they had spent Karen didn't bother listening to her. She thought instead of the phone call. Life with Allen might have been a little dull, and, yes, he had been insensitive to her. He even freely admitted that now. But Al had never plunged her into a nightmare world from which there could be no return… Karen threw herself into the bathroom, adjusted the shower knobs, and stood limply under the droning water, crying bitterly for all that was forever lost to her.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The world was tumbling down in crazy little bits, and not all the marijuana or orgies or lies in the world would put it together again. The mass sex group had fallen away in pairs and threesomes, and even Lennie had left on the arm of the poetess, Paula. There were just the two of them left, she and Pat. Oh, yes, Karen thought, and a tiny white pill… at which Pat was now eagerly staring. The last two days had been the most profitable Pat had ever known. She had duplicated the experience under the cross many times, with many different drivers from all over town.
Pat had bought armfuls of objects, clothing and religious jewelry, buying whatever caught her eye at the moment over Karen's more practical urgings that she save her money. And now she had bought this. Acid, it was called. The magical LSD drug that she had wanted to try.
'For the last time, Pat. Please, forget it. I've read so much about LSD lately. They say it can be harmful to some people… They have no way of knowing how it will affect someone.'
'Forget it? I thought we'd been through that scene already.' Pat looked up at Karen resentfully. She had spent a childhood being told what to do, then was forced, sometimes brutally, into doing it. No one was ever going to tell her what to do again! Karen knew that stubborn look. She tried another ruse. 'Well then, how about waiting until tomorrow? It's very late, and after all that… fun,' she stumbled over the word, 'and the pot, don't you think tomorrow would be better?'
'Tonight, now,' Pat insisted cuttingly. She wasn't going to be talked out of what promised to be the greatest experience of her life. She regarded Karen coldly, wondering why the girl wanted to make her put off anything so wonderful. She fingered the pill eagerly, lifted a water glass at the same time, and hesitated only a moment. 'Now,' she said again, making it a sort of casual salute.
Karen watched her swallow the bit of pill with a great splash of water. Feeling apprehensive, Karen occupied herself with straightening the apartment. It was the only thing of her past life she had been allowed to retain and she had dawdled over her chores for as long as she possibly could.
'I've got a great idea. Come with me!' Pat was in the doorway to the kitchen.
'Oh! You startled me!' Karen noticed the heavy lidded eyes that saw and didn't see. 'I didn't hear you come in.'
Pat didn't seem to hear her. 'Come with me! I have the most wonderful idea!' She appeared to be listening for something.
Karen was aware of the sluggishness of Pat's speech. She wanted to comment on it, but she was afraid to say anything. She was even reluctant to ask Pat how she felt.
'You want to go out?' she asked, not sure if that would be a good idea.
'Hurry!' Pat took Karen's hand and dragged her out of the house, barely giving the girl time to grab her jacket.
The dying effects of the pot were still strong enough to give the streets a fresh brightness for Karen. She wondered how they looked to Pat.
Pat hurried them to Lincoln Boulevard, the closest major street. There was almost no traffic this late. The light clicked to red as they neared the corner. Pat didn't bother pointing her thumb at the one car that stopped for the light. She went directly up to the lone driver of the car and asked him if he would give them a lift. The man looked the two girls over appreciatively and nodded. Pat jumped in to sit beside the man, her bright plaid poncho billowing out in all directions, leaving Karen to either follow or be left behind.
The car started seconds after Karen got in. 'Now drive us to Hollywood,' Pat ordered, her eyes two glassy hard aquamarines.
The man twisted around and looked at Pat quizzically. 'I'm only going as far as Beverly Hills, girls. Sorry. I'll give you a lift to there, but…'
'I didn't ask where you were going. I said, take us to Hollywood!' Pat continued to stare straight ahead.
'Now, just a second! I don't mind doing a favor, but I'm not about to be ordered around this way. If you don't want to settle for a ride to Beverly Hills, I'll just let you out at the next corner and you can…'
'If you try to ditch us I'll scream for the first cop I see and yell rape! Don't think I won't either. My friend will be my witness. Dig?'
The man turned around. His surprise was so great he narrowly avoided colliding with a parked car. He opened his fleshy mouth to speak, but shut it again.
Karen was as surprised as the driver. She was grateful she hadn't been called on to collaborate Pat's intention. She sank down in the seat, instead, wishing the man would smack the car into a brick wall and kill them all.
'All right,' the man said finally. 'I know when I'm licked. Where do you want to go?' In spite of the coolness of the evening the man was sweating freely.
'Drive up Highland Avenue until you hit the freeway. You know that hill with the cross on it there? Let us off right by it.' Pat laughed suddenly. It had a grating, evil sound to it.
Karen turned to Pat. She felt stunned. 'What do you want?'
'Shut up!' Pat answered harshly. 'This is important!'
Karen saw that Pat appeared to be concentrating on something. She didn't push it. Nothing else Pat did could be more insane than this.
The man drove them precisely to the spot Pat directed. He drove off without a word, afraid even to encourage Pat's wrath towards him as he drove away.
'Now what?' Karen wanted to know.
Pat didn't hear her. All she heard was the absurdly musical high voices which had been talking to her all evening. They were the ones who wanted her to come here. They were the ones who would tell her what to do now! And they were urging her up the grassy mountain. 'Come on!' she called to Karen, hurrying ahead without looking back to see if Karen was following. 'We have to climb to the cross!'
Karen stared numbly after the girl. 'Climb to the cross? Are you kidding, Pat?' But the girl was running
