Men! Karen thought, painfully visualizing the man Pat was at this moment awaiting. Some of the ache she had felt earlier – when Pat informed her that their money was running low and she had a date – returned. She had done what she could to prevent it. She had begged Pat to forget it. She offered – no, pleaded for – the chance to get a job in-stead. But Pat wouldn't hear of it. She had insisted that this was the best way. A few hours during which they were to be apart, and then they wouldn't have to worry about money for awhile. Karen wondered how Pat could stand it! The thought of Pat taking some man to their bed made her flesh crawl.
Not that their bed was inviolate, Karen thought, pass she slowed down now that she was past the busy part of the walk. She remembered that first night at Lorna's house. It had been repeated once since then, and Lorna spent a night with them, the three of them cuddled in the small bed. Karen felt as if she had aged twenty years. She had been forced to give in to Pat again. Karen was only beginning to realize how much she had to give in to keep Pat happy with her. The thought depressed her more. She was like a – Karen forced herself to think the words – she was like a slave, especially about sex. But there didn't seem to be anything else she could do. Pat was so song… and insistent.
Karen found herself turning automatically into her street – Al's street. She saw that the house was dark and wondered where Allen was. She realized suddenly that she was unsure of what day it was! She felt very much out of touch with reality. Then she thought of how it would be if Allen came home and found her waiting by the house. What could she say? She turned around quickly and headed for Lennie's apartment, away from the house.
The musty hallway smelled like home to Karen. She knocked on the door eagerly.
'Who is it?' Lennie's voice sounded sleepy.
'It's me. Karen!'
'Karen!'
Karen heard the relief and joy in her friends voice. The door flew open and she was wrapped in Lennie's arms, greeting and trying to calm her friend.
'Oh, Karen! Why didn't you call? I've been so worried!'
Karen looked at her friend fondly, realizing how much she had missed Lennie. They had always been more like sisters than friends. 'I feel like a rat. I should have called. I'm… I'm not with Al anymore.'
'Yes, I know,' Lennie said quickly, pulling Karen into the apartment and closing the door.
Karen realized again how much Lennie looked like a boy, with her short brown hair and her thin, athletic body. Her breasts, in the loose pajamas, were hardly noticeable, and her hips looked incapable of cradling life. Karen thought of the mannish woman she had come to know, remembered how totally Lennie had always been devoted to her, and wondered again about her. Yet, there was the air of innocence about the girl that made Karen certain that Lennie had never known love with anyone.
When they were seated comfortably on the old maroon couch and Lennie had brushed off Karen's apology for awakening her, Lennie studied her friend carefully. 'Is anything wrong, Karen?' Her eager eyes passed lovingly over Karen's face.
'No, not really. I'm glad to see you. I feel like I've just come home, or something.' Karen smiled warmly.
'I wish you had,' Lennie answered slowly.
Karen knew Lennie wasn't speaking now of their teenage plans to live together after graduation. 'How did you know about Al and me?'
'I called you several times. Nobody answered, so one evening after work, I went to the house. Al was there, studying. You know, that guy never liked me much. I admit, the feeling's mutual. Anyway, Al was so glad to see me you would have thought we were buddies or something.'
'What did he say?' Karen wished she had never come here.
'Well, you know how close-mouthed Al is,' Lennie began. 'He's pretty miserable. He tried not to let on. I kind of suspect he thought, at first, you sent me or something, but after a while he got the idea that I didn't know anything. Then he sort of… broke down, or something. He told me you left him to live with a… a girl, a girl who likes both men… and…' Lennie knew she was blushing furiously now, but she forced herself to finish. She had to find out…! 'And women…'
'Her name is Pat, Lennie. She's… beautiful.' Karen didn't know what else to say.
'It's true, Karen?' Her heart was hammering in her breast. 'Do you love her?'
Karen was moved by the tears which were threatening to spill out of Lennie's soft eyes. 'Yes, I guess I do.'
Lennie felt her control slipping away. She was unaware of the wetness on her cheeks. 'I wish I were Pat! I wish it were me!' She turned her face to the couch pillows.
Karen watched the girl cry for what seemed to be a long time. There was something in the way her friend's thin back was trembling that made Karen feel like the stronger of the two. For all of Lennie's boyishness she seemed terribly young and vulnerable. Karen looked at her friend without passion, yet she ached for her, wanting to ease Lennie's misery and wishing that somehow her own might be lifted as well. She spoke softly, telling the still sobbing girl about her, new life honestly, leaving out nothing.
Shocked, Lennie lifted her wet and swollen face to Karen. 'Yet you love her?' was all she could ask. 'Even now?'
Karen sighed unhappily. 'Yes. She's all I have.'
'You have me! You've always had me!' Lennie's eyes filled again.
Karen shook her head. Her blond curls swung free. 'It's not the same,' she said gently.
'I'd do anything if it could be!' Lennie whispered vehemently. The naked longing to be involved, to love, to know passion, transgressed even the pain in Lennie's eyes. Karen saw it. Moved by pity, unhappiness and the desire to ease Lennie's suffering, Karen leaned over and took the girl in her arms. They were as one in their mutual agony. It was more than Karen could bear.
She made love to the girl with all the gentleness and fire that she could evoke. She used lovemaking as a blotter, hoping in some way to absorb their grief in a whirlpool of soft words and burning kisses. She felt a reciprocal joy as she willingly gave the fiery paradise to Lennie for the first time. With infinite care she led Lennie to the knowledge of how to gratify the body of a woman. She realized with a physical excitement that for Lennie, woman was the natural and only expression she would ever want to know. She knew it was the moment Lennie touched her lips and tongue to the most intimate parts of her body. Karen felt the total excitement of the girl as Lennie's tongue, hot, wet and anxious, dove, with the eagerness of an experienced worshiper of female flesh, into her body. She accepted this homage from her friend over and over, as Lennie realized at last the intensity of her need for love in Karen's beautiful flesh.
Afterwards, Lennie was tearfully grateful. She held Karen closely, not even letting the girl up when Karen insisted she had to get a glass of water or die. Instead, Lennie brought a pitcher filled with ice water to her.
'Stay with me,' Lennie pleaded. 'Move in with me. Please. I'll do anything for you!'
Karen was profoundly touched. Her refusal was gentle but firm. She had to get out of here. Now Lennie's initiated body was like an indictment to Karen.
Karen let herself into Pat's apartment quietly. It was very late. She had been able to leave Lennie alter assuring the girl that they would see each other very soon. She had even invited Lennie to their apartment against her better judgment.
'Is that you, baby?' Pat called from the bed when Karen had closed the door behind her.
'Yes.' This room, which had been her home for more than a fistful of weeks, now looked unfamiliar. She imagined she could smell an alien scent in the room, an overtone of whiskey and cigar smoke. She wanted to run, but she couldn't even do that. She wouldn't allow herself to do that!
Instead, Karen went to the bed. She undressed quickly and then she was sinking into Pat's well-used, fragrant body, escaping all pain and thought in an embrace of sensual reunion. Only this time, Karen did not want Pat to touch her – she wanted to reclaim Pat as her own. She had to take this body which had betrayed her with a man – for money – and make it pure with her lips. Just as Lennie had an hour before taken her from the angry demanding world. Through her own flesh, Karen sought to purify Pat's. She covered all traces where this strange hateful man had taken Pat… Her tongue, not gentle now, demanded recognition from Pat, making Pat, finally, cry
