You greedy dicks. Here is the rundown: They get the high-profile players huge sums of money, which alienates them from the average professional player. The problem is, the big names already get multi-million- dollar endorsement deals anyway. Are they really increasing a star’s quality of living by negotiating an extra six million when they already make five? Or are they just worried about increasing their commissions? All they are really doing is raising our ticket prices, and, of course, just like Charlie Sheen’s love life, we pay for it.
What is throwing a ball through a hoop worth? What is the cost of seeing someone whack a ball with a wooden stick or kick a ball into a net? Is it equal to someone saving a life? How about educating a child? Or fighting for others’ freedom? We really need to rethink who the heroes are, and how they should be rewarded. Teachers, doctors, and firemen should be our heroes. Perhaps they are noble because they follow their hearts to do the right thing, all for shitty pay. Or maybe they are selling themselves short. Perhaps they should seek agent sponsorship. Give Scott or Drew a call and see what kind of contract they can fetch for you…
In defense of the accused, Rosenhaus did once save the life of a young boy who nearly drowned by administering CPR to him. There might still be a spot for you at the Pearly Gates after all (but don’t hold your breath).
№069
Monica Lewinsky
For sucking.
“I’m going to the White House to get my presidential knee pads,” were the inevitable words uttered by Monica Lewinsky to a friend before leaving for her internship. In case you missed the nineties, she wore those knee pads right down to the bone. She had an eighteen-month fling with Bill Clinton that involved oral and phone sex. Their actions nearly took down a good U.S. president and permanently rubber-stamped his career with the words SEX SCANDAL
Monica, you were such a sucker (no, the other kind—get your head out of the gutter). Did you really think the president of the United States was in love with you? Let’s be realistic. But actually, the scandal wasn’t entirely your fault. You just gave the nobber. Your attention-seeking hobgoblin friend Linda Tripp was the one who spilled the beans.
Okay, fine, you wanted to blow a president. That makes sense; I’m sure every young girl has dreams. So congratulations, you did it. But you should’ve just wiped your chin and kept your mouth shut! Next time wait until his term is up before showing off your oval rug burns to your friends. Well, anyway—we’re not mad anymore. What’s done is done. Besides, we are angrier about having to look at you in that stupid beret you wore on the cover of
And now everyone thinks Clinton getting his knob shined by a pudgy, patriotic vixen distracted us from his goodness. But take a moment and look at his legislation—was he good or was he just protecting his own interests?
• The Brady Bill. It’s the five-day handgun waiting period. Clinton probably passed that one just to protect his own hide from angry boyfriends and husbands.
• The Three Strikes and You’re Out policy. A good piece of legislation—but I think that was just a typo on a leaked memo to Monica. It should’ve read: Three BITES and You’re Out.
• The Safe Drinking Water Act. We all know how thirsty one gets after suckin’ on a cigar.
• The Direct Loan Program. It was good for funding higher education. But what it comes down to is this—he just wanted his interns better educated on the theory that loose lips sink dicks.
№070
Tyler Durden
For questioning the safety of our cars.
Thanks for that tidbit of information. Now every time we travel by car, we can never fully trust the safety of our vehicles. Just that slight doubt will always screw with our subconscious. Unfortunately, after a little research, I found the equation to be true.
In 1970, Ford introduced the Pinto. It was a subcompact designed to compete with foreign carmakers. During production, problems were found in the gas tank assembly. The fuel tank was weak and, in the event of a rear-end collision, would leak and easily ignite. Unfortunately, the human body wasn’t built Ford tough, which resulted in many fiery deaths. Of course, Ford was aware of the defect and could have retooled the Pinto’s design during production, but it chose not to. The auto giant could have issued a recall after cars started exploding, but it didn’t allow that either. Instead, Ford did the math and decided it would be cheaper to pay the potential lawsuits.
How much is your life worth? Given Ford’s estimated out-of-court settlements for death in 1970, it’s around $200,000.
№071
Sony’s Betamax
For starting format wars.
Sony has produced a lot of great products over the last few decades. The company has had some major flops too, Betamax being the most famous (although the MiniDisc player was a close second). In this decade-long battle, JVC’s VHS won the format race. But why? Beta came out first and was actually superior in quality compared to its competition.
Beta failed mostly because of its short recording time, a measly one hour at first. People wanted to record movies and football games, and this just wouldn’t cut it. Eventually, Sony would extend the play time, but Beta always trailed VHS. The inferior product also failed to win consumers over because of Sony’s awful marketing, bad design, and high price point.
But let’s get to the key factor behind VHS’s victory—porn was not available on Betamax.
Sony had to ruin it by not fighting hard enough to win over the consumer (and for being too goody-goody
