about the smut videos). Of course, the real losers here are all the chumps who didn’t buy VHS in the first place. It was quite a costly transition to make (especially since the DVD craze came shortly after). And of course, every consumer would eventually be hit by the wave of similarly snide technology companies that continually change platforms and media players just because they can.
So don’t worry, Sony isn’t shedding a tear; it’s back on top with Blu-ray. Which, of course, means you will soon have to update that tired old DVD collection you spent years building. It just goes to show that in a battle versus technology, you will always lose. What does this mean for the future? Due to changing formats, you will have to repurchase the Beatles’ “White Album” at least six more times in your life.
№072
Car alarm users
For making a lot of noise.
A car is stolen every twenty-six seconds in the United States. Cars are easy to steal; they even have a built- in getaway system. The odds of your car being stolen are one in two hundred. You have a 13 percent chance of getting your car back. On average, the authorities are called to the scene only 1 percent of the time when a car alarm is triggered.
An educated guess would all but guarantee a car‘s (false) alarm is blaring somewhere in your town with no one thinking of stealing it. Rather than theft, you have a greater chance of vandalism happening to your door in the shape of someone’s annoyed boot print.
You can’t blame the inventor for this one: The product performs as advertised. A car alarm won’t promise the security of your car; it only guarantees that it will make a lot of annoying noise if someone ever tries to jack it (and plenty more times when a garbage truck rumbles by). The liability on this one goes to everyone who still uses car alarms. They so don’t work. They just make an irritating racket and give people headaches. It has gotten to the point where everyone just tunes them out. Here is an idea: Why not make a silent alarm that alerts your phone and gives GPS coordinates when a thief steals your car? Then an iPhone app could automatically pop up and give an “Electrocute or Eject?” option. Something more like David Hasselhoff’s old ride. This way you may actually be able to get your car back and then catch, prosecute, AND have some fun with the car thief.
Here are more effective car theft deterrent systems to try before you buy KITT from NBC:
• Kill switch
• LoJack
• An empty gas tank
• A chauffeur
• Snipers
• Or just stop paying your parking tickets and the police will attach the ultimate antitheft device—
• And if none of this works, just take the bus!
№073
Asbestos companies
For making our lungs biohazard sites.
Asbestos is a naturally occurring mineral. There is no doubt that asbestos is a great building material. It has incredible heat resistance, which makes it flame-retardant. It has wonderful insulating properties. As long as it does not enter your lungs, there’s no problem. Unfortunately, prolonged inhalation exposure, usually with individuals working in the factories that manufacture the product, will result in extreme health problems, most prominently terminal cancer.
In 1951, asbestos companies (having control over both the experiments and the printing of asbestos-related studies) removed all references to cancer before allowing their self-sponsored research to be made public. A year later a medical director at the building-insulation company Johns Manville attempted to force asbestos companies, including his own, to place a warning label on all of their products to reduce the risk of disease in workers. However, the massive companies ignored his efforts, and it took a continued loss of life for the public to find out the truth.
As the saying goes, “Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it.” The ancient Greeks used asbestos for tablecloths and clothing because they could be cleaned in fire and would not burn. But since there was such a high demand for large-sized doilies and sear-proof panties, many slaves who worked with asbestos became deathly ill from the same health problems of the modern era. Unfortunately, there was no Wikipedia in the 1950s for easy research. As a result, people died.
You asbestos companies lucked out. Big Tobacco took a lot of smoke away from your product. As I see it, they killed their consumers and you killed your employees. But at least Big Tobacco provided some enjoyment for their stooges. You just put people in non-habit-forming hospital beds. But you both knew the harmful effects of your products and still peddled your deadly wares. You might as well have handed out fiberglass-flavored cotton candy to kids. I hope the cost of your soul was worth it, ’cause you’ll be ridin’ shotgun straight down with your tobacco-shilling friends.
№074
Dr. Robert Atkins
For a stupid diet.
The Atkins Diet plan is a low-carb, high-protein strategy for shedding unwanted pounds, made popular in the early 2000s. About thirty million Americans have tried the diet. If you haven’t heard of it, maybe you’re that kid in the news who can only eat six foods without dying?
Here’s the skinny: When you cut out carbohydrates, your body is forced to burn its fat stores. You burn more calories when your body burns fat as opposed to carbs. In turn, you lose weight faster.
Sounds too good to be true, right? Well, that’s because it is. Short-term effects may include bad breath, weakness, insomnia, nausea, and constipation. Potential long-term effects include heart disease, liver failure, kidney problems, osteoporosis, premature aging, and cataracts. Keep in mind, the inventor, Dr. Atkins, died at seventy-two. He had a history of heart attacks and congestive heart failure. Not to mention he weighed two hundred and fifty-eight pounds at the time of his death. In case you were wondering, toast won! Thank God this no-carb bullshit is over.
Dr. Atkins, we all really wanted to believe your diet worked. But deep down we all knew there had to be something wrong with a diet that labeled nutritious foods like fruit and whole grains the devil. After all, a slice of bacon can’t be healthier than an apple. Right? You ruined it for sure. Now we have to get back to the old way of thinking: “You are what you eat.” Oink oink.
