challenging the three overly powerful American carmakers. At the time, General Motors, Chrysler, and Ford were all shaking in their safety-buckles over actually having some American competition. On top of that, the car’s fame, and DeLorean’s own, were later catapulted into the stratosphere when the DCM-12 was immortalized as our favorite time machine (see RIFE №051).
Unfortunately, none of this would change the car industry the way it should have. The entrepreneur hit financial turmoil shortly after getting his company off the ground. And what, may you ask, does a venturesome car company owner do when he runs out of money?… He sells drugs.
Undercover federal agents proposed a drug trafficking deal to DeLorean that would supposedly bring in millions to save his business. In 1982, the industrialist was arrested by the U.S. government for trafficking cocaine.
John, you sold out to drug dealing and lost your car company. You couldn’t raise any more venture capital the legal way? People revered the car; if you asked for more money, they would have invested. You had a good thing going with the DeLorean Motor Company. I’m confident the auto industry would be different today if DMC continued with its innovations.
Of course, the feds are to blame too. John DeLorean was found NOT guilty due to entrapment. The FBI simply persuaded a desperate man to commit an act he would not have otherwise considered. Great detective work, guys!
Well, John, you gave a new meaning to the term car “dealer.” Rest in peace knowing, if given the chance, in today’s turmoil, the Big Three automakers would be more than happy to profit from a little booger sugar.
№666
Pope Siricius
For being the devil in disguise.
Pope Siricius was pope from 384 to 399 AD. He was the guy who started the whole no-sex-for-clergy thing. But take note, he wasn’t exactly a purist. He was married, and then left his wife for the church. So basically, the Catholic Church promoted him for getting a divorce? Interesting.
In 1985, sexual abuse by a Catholic priest became a national issue in the United States for the first time. Gilbert Gauthe, a priest from Louisiana, pleaded guilty to eleven counts of molestation of boys. He admitted to molesting at least three dozen more. They gave him twenty years. He got out in ten. Then he got in trouble again. Unfortunately, these cases are not uncommon. It’s time for sex-offender sentencing to include a lobotomy.
Four percent of U.S. priests ministering from 1950 to 2002 were accused of sex abuse with a minor. Roman Catholics spent $615 million on sex abuse cases in 2007—remember that when you place a dollar in the collection tray.
Did these “holy” sex offenders forget to ask themselves, “WWJD?” Seriously, can we ever trust our children with a priest again? Pope Siricius not only ruined it for priests, but more importantly, he ruined it for the altar boys. As for Gilbert, you are one sick puppy. How you made it out of jail alive is beyond me. A priest used to be a figure of respect and trust, but no more. Gilbert surely sacrificed that.
The Catholic Church’s halo isn’t exactly shining all that brightly either. For years, it swept cases like these under its Roman tapestries. If a priest was caught, the church would slap him on the wrist and just transfer him to a different parish (where he would usually commit the same ungodly acts). Gauthe was transferred three times before he was finally brought to justice. It’s time for a change! Seriously, nobody is going to call a priest unholy if he gets married. At least promote promiscuity between priests and nuns so they can release some holy sexual tension! As for Catholic followers, be extra suspicious if your priest drives a windowless van.
№067
Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling
For destroying Enron.
Enron started as an energy company. It dabbled in many investment areas and rapidly grew to be the seventh-largest corporation in America. Then it quickly folded in what became one of the biggest scandals of fraud and greed in history. Its bankruptcy took jobs, investor savings, retirement funds, and even a few lives. Now no one can ever really feel secure with his or her employer ever again.
Enron achieved great success the old-fashioned way—by cheating. The company paid out millions of dollars in speculated profits that never arrived. The energy giant hid its losses by burying its debt into ghost companies it created. Then it paid off outside accountants to lie about its tax audits. And just before Enron tanked, its top executives liquidated their holdings while conning their loyal employees into holding on to the doomed stock. The head honchos made off with BAGS of cash while the employees and investors lost billions.
• Ken Lay: CEO and chairman of Enron. He was a forerunner of deregulation, which ultimately paved an easy path for his corporate abuses. He was found guilty of conspiracy and fraud. Unfortunately, he died before we could send him up the river.
• Jeff Skilling: He started the mark-to-market accounting that gave access to money made on speculation. Well, now he can speculate if he’s next on Bubba’s prison-bitch list, because he’s currently rotting in jail.
• Arthur Andersen: This was the “independent” accounting firm hired to review Enron’s books to protect the public. But nope, they took bribes and cooked the books.
• The politicians: Both political parties had their hands in Enron’s deep pockets. And if we asked for a show of those hands, George W.’s administration would raise both.
• The consultants: Enron’s lawyers, accountants, bankers, and advisers all knew it was a scam. They just kept their mouths shut and collected their kickbacks.
• Enron employees: You guys lost so much it’s hard to blame you too—but we will anyway. Were sunglasses and canes part of your work-issued uniforms? It is amazing just how powerful denial can be. Want your money back? Turn the CEOs’ lawyers upside down and start shaking!
№068
Scott Boras and Drew Rosenhaus
For ruining professional sports.
Remember Bob Sugar in the film
