Poor little A-Rod. You are just a victim, boohoo. We all feel so sorry for you and the pressures society has put on you. Oh—wait a minute… you cheated your way to the top by taking performance-enhancing drugs. No—we don’t feel sorry for you—AT ALL. We should start issuing a no-tolerance law for this sort of bullshit.
Some say he wasn’t hurting anybody, only himself. You know, he didn’t train dogs to kill other dogs, or rape some underage girls or intentionally injure another player. Screw that! He was our hero and he lied. It’s not okay to break the rules. He taught our children it’s okay to cheat your way to the top! This is their idol? Great role model, A-hole. And worst of all, you’re still allowed to play. Hey, A-Rod, hopefully you can right this wrong and do some good in your life. Maybe tour high schools teaching sports safety and how to hit the right vein?
I’m sick of all of the “asterisks” that keep popping up in the record books. It’s disappointing for the ballplayers who played it straight. Here are some “top” players we should denounce for their alleged drug use: Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire, Rafael Palmeiro, and Jose Canseco. Since you weren’t sacked from baseball—you’re fired from being our heroes.
№059
The automatic-flush toilet inventor
For a cockamamie idea.
I am not even going to waste my time looking up who invented this worthless contraption.
Everyone poops—it’s a fact of life. Every household and business has at least one toilet. It’s a big industry. There’s a lot of money to be made in the disposal of human excrement. Unfortunately, there’s not much room for improvement. But of course some idiot had to go and ruin a good thing.
Many public restrooms now have auto-flush commodes and urinals. The only benefit to the auto-flush toilet is sanitation, but it’s nothing a simple hand washing (which everyone should be doing after dropping the kids off at the pool) can’t fix.
The negatives certainly outweigh the barely positive. Auto-flushing never seems to work when it’s supposed to. There’s no opportunity to either pre-flush or courtesy flush. It’s scary for small children. If it flushes too often, water is wasted. If it works too little, it’s unsanitary. There’s just too much room for error, especially when a highly effective foot or hand lever will do the trick.
If you think the toilet-seat lever is the dirtiest thing in your day, think again. The door handles to the stall and bathroom door are usually dirtier. If the inventor wanted to get anal with the lavatory experience, he should have created an automatic door opener. Here are some other things usually dirtier than a toilet: a cell phone, a keyboard, a mouse, a faucet, a kitchen sponge, a purse, a wallet, money, and makeup.
With that said, just how clean are you? It takes about twenty seconds of washing to get your hands germ- free. When was the last time you did that?
№060
Photoshop
For tricking us into online dating.
Adobe Photoshop is a photo-editing software application used for many things, including photo altering and enhancing. Every single picture you see in a magazine was altered in some way to look better than it really is, usually through Photoshop. Unfortunately, a law preventing overembellishment while using this type of software has not been passed. Now the online dating community is flooded with suspiciously enhanced and/or modified photos.
Just look at some of these dating and social networking sites. These people are HOT! The not-so-fine line between enticement and porn has been crossed. It’s basically soft-core smut. Check it out. Forty million Americans already do!
If you’re single and looking, you’ll soon find that there aren’t many social outlets to search for a soul mate. I mean, you can always try flowers or a compliment like “You smell nice,” but in today’s nonsocial environment you will probably be served with a sexual harassment suit. You could also ask your friends to set you up with someone, but only if you are interested in burning a bridge or two. Or maybe you’re old-fashioned and you want to take your chances at a bar. Guess again: If you’re a dude, you only have a 2 percent chance of any relationship ever happening there. Ready to give up? Well, hold on… there is one choice left… It’s called online dating. This can be a viable solution—BUT BE WARNED: Photoshop has made it tricky. You now have to look at photos of people who might not be as hot as their pictures may appear. There is really no way of knowing if a smudge on a forehead isn’t really just a post-edited third eye. And here’s the kicker: Why do we have such high expectations to begin with? It’s because the magazine covers are ALSO being Photoshopped. You bastards!
Here are some online dating photo don’ts (from a man’s perspective):
• Ditch the photo of you and your dog. Do I even have to explain?
• Black-and-white photos are not allowed. Don’t use them unless you’re Rita Hayworth.
• Get rid of photos with friends. Unless you’re suggesting what I think you’re suggesting.
№061
R. Stanton Avery
For leaving a sticky residue.
In 1935, R. Stanton Avery manufactured the first self-adhesive label (a.k.a. the sticker). It had a paper surface with a coat of adhesive that peeled from a silicone backing and stuck to just about anything. Today, stickers can be found on almost every consumer product we buy.
It’s not the sticker that upsets most people. It’s the removal of it! And the sticky residue marring your brand new purchase.
Enough is enough. Life is complicated already without the added grief of having to remove this gooey crap from everything we buy. Lately, it seems retailers have become even more sticker crazy. I want a refund on my time! If you want to make it come off in a few pieces so shoplifters won’t be able to reassemble it onto a more expensive item, then do it. But for fuck’s sake, use easily peeling adhesive.
I have tried everything to remove this stuff: WD-40, a hair dryer, Scotch tape, razor blades, rubbing alcohol, lighter fluid, even profusely cursing at it. However, nothing seems to work. The most successful way to get rid of the sticker is to simply throw the entire product in the dumpster. Once it is trash, it becomes someone else’s problem, and then you can sigh with relief.
Here is a list of other things that are annoyingly impossible to remove: pine tree sap, magic marker, wax, bubble gum, buffalo wing sauce under fingernails, salmon smell, the lid on old maple syrup, wrinkles, oil-based paint, scratches on the new car, wine stains, orange patina from Cheetos, purple-sucker tongue, safety info on car sun visors, loud neighbors, hair, funnily shaped moles, cancer, acne, and most politicians.
