№062
Germaphobes
For ruining immune system development.
Is there such a thing as too clean?
Ever wonder why they tell you not to drink the water in Mexico? Mexicans seem unfazed by drinking their H2O. It’s because your body has not built up an immunity to the extra germs in their water. Germs are what STRENGTHEN an immune system. The more you encounter at a young age, the more your body will learn to fight them off. Take note, I am not telling you to go lick your nearest gas station commode. I am, however, telling you to stop overdoing it with the antibacterial stuff.
Believe it or not, most bacteria out there are serving a good purpose.
Germaphobes are ruining the development of our children’s immune systems. Parents think they are doing the right thing by overprotecting their kin from bacteria. However, we need these bacteria for proper development. Just like children need exercise for strong bones and muscles, they need germs to build a healthy resistance to infections. This includes being exposed to allergens ranging from dust to pollen to cat dander.
It’s believed that antibacterial soaps promote super-resistant BAD bacteria. Not to mention these harsh cleansers destroy GOOD bacteria as well. Good bacteria are vital for digestion, germ fighting, making vitamins, and protecting our skin.
But don’t throw away your antibacterial gels and soaps just yet. Use them when someone at work or home gets diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease or when a pandemic is in effect. Also, you can do other things to fight bacteria, such as avoiding using the same towel for drying your hands over and over (this is one of those bad- bacteria traps). And seriously, don’t drink the water in Mexico.
№063
The U.S. Department of Agriculture
For inventing the four food groups.
Since 1894, the USDA has been developing and redeveloping the dietary food standards for the American people. It’s the agency that suggests what we should eat and how much. Ever hear of the food pyramid? Thank the USDA. Once upon a time, the USDA even stuffed all of our food into four groups. I mean, it was quite profound, especially since there used to be twelve groups around. It even made one group just dairy, and then forgot to categorize the Bloody Mary…
Are you hungry? I am—damn. Damn, I am! And I do not like that USDA scam! I would not like it here, I would not like it there, I would not like it anywhere! It doesn’t even have a group for Spam, and I like my Spam. It makes me hungry. Damn, I am!
After the four-group-to-pyramid switch, we found choosing food to be a bitch. Do we eat a tasty fox, or add mustard to a cardboard box? This whole thing’s just too confusing. And it’s not weight that we’re losing! Hey! USDA. One day you’ll pay. If not today, then soon, with little delay!
Sorry… I went off on a tangent there. I can’t just end this RIFE on pabulum poems… Did you ever wonder what happened to the “Basic Four” food groups? Well, actually, through the years the USDA has gone from five, to twelve, to seven, to four, and back to five food groups. And then it made some generic pyramid. I’m sure it has some scientific reasoning, but the USDA changes its nutrition rules faster than most fad dieters. The system has become so confusing and depressing, it makes you want to eat only cheeseburgers. It doesn’t separate different types of proteins, suggests all complex carbs are good, thinks all fats are bad, doesn’t mention vitamins, and forgets to recommend exercise. Hope your dinner guest is Tom Hanks: Maybe he can help you decipher the food code! Now the USDA has a personalized “My Pyramid” scheme to complicate things more. But I think it’s all a scam. Check and see… Soon you’ll be yelling—LET ME BE!
№01/64
The imperial system of measurement
For not going away.
The imperial system of measurement is a system of units based on a nearly one-thousand-year-old measuring standard. Its ideology is based on nature and everyday activities, NOT science. The imperial system originated in the U.K., which in turn lent it to the U.S. But differences were acquired over time. For example, the U.S. measuring system’s pint has sixteen ounces, and the version in England has twenty ounces. (Does that mean you will be more lightheaded if you donate a pint of blood in England?)
With the exception of the United States, all major countries have converted to the metric system. How is this possible? Oh, wait a minute, we are talking about the United States—land of the free, home of the pigheaded. While the U.S. has attempted to switch, unsuccessfully, in the past, we nevertheless march on with the inferior and confusing system.
Imperial system, please go away. You are outdated and have no relevance in modern society. You should be hung out to dry like your old buddy Latin. The system was created by farmers one thousand years ago and it’s much more difficult to learn. Hell, just converting units is enough to give a student Tourette syndrome. The advantages of the metric system are clear: It’s a modern system based on scientific principles. There are only seven basic measurements. It’s easy to understand, because all the units in the metric system are multiples of ten. It’s smart and has relevance in today’s society. Which seems more logical to you?
a. Metric system: 1 meter = 10 decimeters = 100 centimeters = 1,000 millimeters.
b. Imperial system: 1 yard = 3 feet = 12 inches = various fractions of an inch.
We are in a digital-viewing, nano-researching, space-exploring, and technological era. Come on, America, it is time to get rid of a measurement based on some dead king’s stinky foot.
№065
John DeLorean
For producing only one car… sniff, sniff.
John DeLorean was an American automobile engineer. A former GM exec well known for developing the Pontiac GTO and the Firebird, DeLorean was obsessed with the idea of creating his dream car, one that was “fun to drive, safe to operate, and long-lasting.” His eponymous DeLorean DCM-12 was first produced in 1981 and had a unique stainless steel finish with gull-wing-style flip-up doors. DeLorean came as close as anyone to successfully
