№085
E85
For being a sucky fuel.
Everyone knows that the U.S. needs to kick its addiction to petroleum. This environmentally harmful, nonrenewable energy comes mainly from foreign countries. We need to push for energy independence, which can only be achieved by using alternative fuels.
E85 is a fuel blended from 85 percent bioethanol and 15 percent gasoline. Many cars have been produced or converted to use this “flex fuel,” but its popularity faded after certain statistics were revealed. For example, if we used all the corn produced in the U.S. to make ethanol, we would only displace 3.5 percent of our gasoline demand. This amount of fuel could be compensated just by properly inflating our tires. And it takes gobs of gas just to transport it due to the lack of pipelines in the Midwest.
E85 fooled us. We really wanted it to be the answer to our problems. But we should have known there’s no such thing as a quick fix. The reality is that we have to stop using food crops for ethanol. It creates an entirely new kind of stress on the planet by reducing both our food supply and a vital global export. Even if we switched to cheaper non-food crops to produce ethanol, it would still create volatility. If you think gasoline prices are unsteady now, just imagine how a drought would affect the cost of ethanol. And can you really call it an alternative to oil when E85 is only 85 percent ethanol—and 15 percent gasoline? It doesn’t sound like much freedom from oil dependency to me. But that opinion may differ if you ask a politician who has his or her hands deep in Big Oil’s pockets.
№086ed
General Motors
For killing the electric car.
The EV1 was an electric vehicle introduced by GM in 1996. The futuristic car was the first modern production electric car available for lease from a major automaker. This zippy vehicle was high-powered, produced zero emissions, and could run for approximately one hundred miles on one charge. Its drivers loved it. Of course, GM did not see it as a moneymaker and decided to destroy all of the vehicles once the leases were up. However, a kindergartener could have told GM to just sell the cars to recoup some lost revenue—instead of pulverizing them in the car crusher. After that, General Motors decided to abandon its electric vehicle technology and put its efforts towards the petrol-pounding Hummer. Hindsight surely mocks them with a resounding DOH! It’s speculated that the EV1 program was eliminated because it threatened the excessively powerful oil industry. But who really knows?
Way to go, GM! You had a good thing and you ruined it. You took our only affordable option for an electric car away from us. You ruined it for yourself and everyone else who wanted an alternative to gasoline-gobbling SUVs. Lots of people loved the subcompact and wanted to buy it when their leases were up. However, you 86’d it. Is there any wonder why you had to declare bankruptcy? Next time the wheels in your head start spinning, be certain they are not lug-nutted to a gas guzzler.
As of the year 2009, your latest slaughter tally was around 66,500 jobs lost, 1,100 dealerships closed, and the near-collapse of Detroit. And that’s the good news. Try not to forget you still owe 450,000 retirees $90 billion in pensions all while trying to pay back the $27 billion borrowed from the bailout and another $5.7 billion from other governments. We all hope you can pull it together, really. We’re excited about the hype for the new electric car, the Volt. But maybe you should call it the Deja Vu. Hopefully we can actually keep this one…
№187
Michael John Anderson
For the first Craigslist murder.
Katherine Ann Olson responded, via e-mail, to an ad on Craigslist in Minnesota for a babysitting job. She accepted the job and showed up expecting to look after the children of a woman named Amy. A day later, her body was found in the trunk of her car, ankles bound with red twine. Her killer was a cold-blooded nineteen-year- old named Michael John Anderson. He lured her into his house and shot her. Police say Anderson killed the twenty-four-year-old woman in his parents’ bedroom.
According to Craigslist, this was the first murder involving the widely used online resource for classified advertisements.
Okay, Mr. Creative, ever watch
I guess it was inevitable that someone would eventually die as a result of our beloved Craigslist. But it still makes me shake my head in denial. So we must blame Anderson for leaving us wondering if we’ll be the next victim. Now we are scared even when we want to sell an old stained couch online to a couple of college freshmen! I still wonder if it was a contract killing. I smell a conspiracy here. Did eBay hire you? Someone get its marketing department on the phone…
№088
Henry Phillips
For screwing things up.
Phillips, slotted, square, or Allen. Just pick one, for Christ’s sake!
In 1908, square-drive screws were invented by Canadian P.L. Robertson. This was the first recess-drive- type fastener for production usage. The previous single-slotted head allowed for too much tool slippage.
Then, in 1933, the Phillips-head screw was invented by Henry Phillips. Automobile manufacturers were now using assembly lines. They needed screws that could take a lot of torque but could also slip out (or cam out) to prevent overtightening. The Phillips design solved this problem.
From there on, everybody and their little sisters invented a new type of screw head just because Phillips started the trend. Here are a few: Torx, tri-wing, torq-set, triple square, spanner head, spline drive, double hex, polydrive, clutch, and Bristol.
