Phillips, you’re a tool. We were doing just fine with the square one. Did we really need another type of screw head? I don’t buy that automotive “slip out” theory. Perhaps Sears hired you so they could sell more tools? Whatever your reasons were, to this day, no matter what type of screw needs tightening, we will always have the wrong type of screwdriver in hand.
And please, if you are a company manufacturing something that comes unassembled and includes or requires a “special tool” to construct it, STOP the madness. We don’t need any more crappy tools we can easily lose. Yes, we are talking to you, IKEA!
№089
Tian Wenhua
For poisoning milk.
Melamine is used in making many industrial products. It can be found in countertops, fabrics, glue, Formica, cleaning products, and pesticides. It is, however, quite dangerous and even deadly if ingested. Not exactly something you would want to pour into your morning coffee.
Tian Wenhua was chairwoman and general manager of the Sanlu Group, one of China’s largest dairy companies. She is responsible for adding melamine to the company’s milk in order to spike the protein levels for quality control testing. As a result of Wenhua’s decision, at least six infants would die and three hundred thousand others would suffer from kidney stones and other urinary problems. She is now serving a life sentence in jail for her role in the tainted-milk scandal.
Hundreds of edible products were affected around the world, including powdered baby milk, cookies, candy, chocolate, ice cream, and more.
FYI—the amount of pesticide that should be in your 2 percent is 0 percent! Tian’s recklessness and blatant disregard for human health and well-being is difficult to fathom. What could have driven the milky judgments that lead her to believe this was acceptable? It’s one thing to profit from stealing, but quite another to profit from poisoning people.
You can’t help but wonder what drinks she avoids in the slammer—we’ll just assume she’s lactose- intolerant.
№090
Walter Diemer
For making a sticky mess of things.
In 1869, William Finley Semple became the first person to patent chewing gum. The first attempt at bubble gum was made by Frank Henry Fleer, in 1906. He called it Blibber-Blubber. Fleer’s recipe was later perfected by Walter Diemer in 1928, who called his product Double Bubble. This gooey pink concoction changed regular ol’ boring chewing gum into the lip-smacking good time of blowin’ bubbles. Until, of course, the flavor wears out…
We have Mr. Diemer to blow the whistle on every time we step in this gluey goop. No, he did not invent gum, but it’s his fault it gained popularity and that things started getting messy.
Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a stick or two of gum now and again. In fact, I chewed it almost every day as a child (just ask my dentist). The problem is that used gum never seems to find a trash can. Why throw it away properly when you can stick it to something and ruin another person’s day? Seriously, show me one person who has never stepped in gum and I will show you a levitating man. It’s on the streets and the sidewalks, in parks and under desks and on benches, ready to get on your shoe, in your hair, and on your clothes. It seems like the only place it’s not is in the garbage. It’s out to get you (or at least on you).
So go ahead if you must, chomp away. But if you do chew gum, when you are through with it, make sure it ends up in the land of tin cans and fish bones. You may also swallow it or stick it behind your ear for disposal. Don’t worry: It takes about seven years less than you think to digest. And for Christ’s sake, chew it with your mouth closed.
№091
The United States
For abusing the world’s natural resources.
It’s alarming how quickly human beings are burning through the world’s natural resources. And although it accounts for only 5 percent of the world’s population, the U.S. consumes 26 percent of the world’s energy.
And while I’m at it, shame on you too, Canada—per capita you use more energy than anyone!
As far as Italy is concerned, someone go tell Tony and Bruno they can rub it in all of our faces, because, proportionately, “the boot” consumes the least of all. Way to go, Italia!
America,
Top five ways to go green in under five minutes:
1. Bring your own bag to the market.
2. Unplug things that stay on for no reason.
3. Do full loads of laundry, not many small ones.
4. Take short showers, not baths.
5. Adjust your thermostat up one degree in the summer and down one degree in the winter.
Now was that so hard?
№092
The New York Mercantile Exchange
For driving up the price of gas.
Okay, okay, I know I said gas was bad and we should find alternative fuels, etc., etc. But let’s be realistic—it ain’t happening anytime soon. So it’s time to dip into the problem… The New York Mercantile Exchange is the world’s largest commodity futures exchange. This is where energy products and other commodities are bought and sold. Oil is among the most heavily traded. Exxon Mobil reported $45.2 billion in profits for 2008. That’s right,
