A Year In Provence

The people whose business it is to make a living from the Cote d'Azur have a limited season, and their eagerness to take your money before autumn comes and the demand for inflatable rubber boats stops is palpable and unpleasant. Waiters are impatient for their tips, shopkeepers snap at your heels so that you won't take too long to make up your mind, and then refuse to accept 200-franc notes because there are so many forgeries. A hostile cupidity hangs in the air, as noticeable as the smell of Ambre Solaire and garlic. Strangers are automatically classified as tourists and treated like nuisances, inspected with unfriendly eyes and tolerated for cash. According to the map, this was still Provence. It wasn't the Provence I knew.

My friend's house was in the pine forests outside Ramatuelle, at the end of a long private track, completely detached from the lunacy three kilometers away on the coast. He was not surprised to hear that a two-hour drive had taken more than four hours. He told me that to be sure of a parking spot for dinner in Saint-Tropez it was best to be there by 7:30 in the morning, that going down to the beach was an exercise in frustration, and that the only guaranteed way to get to Nice airport in time to catch a plane was by helicopter.

As I drove back home in the evening against the trailer tide, I wondered what it was about the Cote d'Azur that continued to attract such hordes every summer. From Marseilles to Monte Carlo, the roads were a nightmare and the seashore was covered with a living carpet of bodies broiling in the sun, flank to oily flank for mile after mile. Selfishly, I was glad they wanted to spend their holidays there rather than in the open spaces of the Luberon, among more agreeable natives.

Some natives, of course, were less agreeable than others, and I met one the next morning. Massot was en colere, kicking at the undergrowth in the small clearing near his house and chewing at his mustache in vexation.

'You see this?' he said. 'Those salauds. They come like thieves in the night and leave early in the morning. Saloperie everywhere.' He showed me two empty sardine cans and a wine bottle which proved beyond any reasonable doubt that his archenemies, the German campers, had been trespassing in his private section of the national park. That in itself was bad enough, but the campers had treated his elaborate defense system with contempt, rolling back boulders to make a gap in the barricade and- sales voleurs!-stealing the notices that warned of the presence of vipers.

Massot took off his jungle cap and rubbed the bald spot on the back of his head as he considered the enormity of the crime. He looked in the direction of his house, standing on tiptoe first on one side of the path, then on the other. He grunted.

'It might work,' he said, 'but I'd have to cut down the trees.'

If he removed the small forest that stood between his house and the clearing, he would be able to see the headlights of any car coming down the track and loose off a couple of warning shots from his bedroom window. But, then again, those trees were extremely valuable, and added to the general desirability of the house he was trying to sell. No buyer had yet been found, but it was only a matter of time before somebody recognized it for the bargain it was. The trees had better stay. Massot thought again, and suddenly brightened up. Maybe the answer was pieges a feu. Yes, he liked that.

I had heard about pieges a feu, and they sounded horrendous-concealed snares that exploded when they were disturbed, like miniature mines. The thought of fragments of German camper flying through the air was alarming to me, but clearly very amusing to Massot, who was pacing round the clearing saying boum! every three or four yards as he planned his mine field.

Surely he wasn't serious, I said, and in any case I thought that pieges a feu were illegal. Massot stopped his explosions and tapped the side of his nose, sly and conspiratorial.

'That may be true,' he said, 'but there's no law against notices.' He grinned, and raised both arms above his head. 'Boum!'

Where were you twenty years ago, I thought, when they needed you on the Cote d'Azur?

Perhaps Massot's antisocial instincts were being intensified by the heat. It was often in the nineties by mid- morning, and the sky turned from blue to a burnt white by noon. Without consciously thinking about it, we adjusted to the temperature by getting up earlier and using the cool part of the day to do anything energetic. Any sudden or industrious activity between midday and early evening was out of the question; like the dogs, we sought out the shade instead of the sun. Cracks appeared in the earth, and the grass gave up trying to grow. For long periods during the day the only sounds were those made by the cigales round the house, the bees in the lavender, and bodies toppling into the pool.

I walked the dogs each morning between six and seven, and they discovered a new sport, more rewarding than chasing rabbits and squirrels. It had started when they came across what they thought was a large animal made of bright blue nylon. Circling it at a safe distance, they barked until it stirred and finally woke. A rumpled face appeared from one end, followed a few moments later by a hand offering a biscuit. From then on, the sight of a sleeping bag among the trees meant food. For the campers, it must have been disquieting to wake up and see two whiskery faces only inches away, but they were amiable enough about it once they had recovered from the shock.

Strangely enough, Massot was half-right. They were mostly Germans, but not the indiscriminate rubbish- tippers that he complained about. These Germans left no trace; everything was bundled into giant backpacks before they shuffled off like two-legged snails into the heat of the day. In my short experience of litter in the Luberon, the French themselves were the most likely offenders, but no Frenchman would accept that. At any time of the year, but particularly in the summer, it was well known that foreigners of one stripe or another were responsible for causing most of the problems in life.

The Belgians, so it was said, were to blame for the majority of accidents because of their habit of driving in the middle of the road, forcing the famously prudent French driver into ditches to avoid being ecrase. The Swiss and the noncamping section of the German population were guilty of monopolizing hotels and restaurants and pushing up property prices. And the English-ah, the English. They were renowned for the frailty of their digestive systems and their preoccupation with drains and plumbing. 'They have a talent for diarrhea,' a French friend observed. 'If an Englishman hasn't got it, he is looking for somewhere to have it.'

There is just enough of a hint of truth in these national insults to sustain their currency, and I was witness to an interlude in one of Cavaillon's busiest cafes that must have confirmed the French in their opinion of English sensitivities.

A couple with their small son were having coffee, and the boy indicated his need to go to the lavatory. The father looked up from his two-day-old copy of the Daily Telegraph.

'You'd better make sure it's all right,' he said to the boy's mother. 'Remember what happened in Calais?'

The mother sighed, and made her way dutifully into the gloom at the rear of the cafe. When she reappeared it was at high speed, and she looked as if she had just eaten a lemon.

'It's disgusting. Roger is not to go in there.'

Roger became immediately interested in exploring a forbidden lavatory.

'I've got to go,' he said, and played his trump card. 'It's number two. I've got to go.'

'There isn't even a seat. It's just a hole.'

'I don't care. I've got to go.'

'You'll have to take him,' said the mother. 'I'm not going in there again.'

The father folded his newspaper and stood up, with young Roger tugging at his hand.

'You'd better take the newspaper,' said the mother.

'I'll finish it when I get back.'

'There's no paper,' she hissed.

'Ah. Well, I'll try to save the crossword.'

The minutes passed, and I was wondering if I could ask the mother exactly what had happened in Calais, when there was a loud exclamation from the back of the cafe.

'Poo!'

It was the emerging Roger, followed by his ashen-faced father holding the remnants of his newspaper. Conversation in the cafe stopped as Roger gave an account of the expedition at the top of his voice. The patron looked at his wife and shrugged. Trust the English to make a spectacle out of a simple visit to the wa-wa.

The equipment that had caused such consternation to Roger and his parents was a