Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody

3-D understanding of the human face, and in another sterling example of Unnecessary Additions, the students also gave Nexi the ability to be upset. If you walk too close, if you block its cameras, if you put your hand too near its face—Jesus, it gets pissed off at anything. God forbid you touch it; it’ll probably kill your dog.

DISCLAIMER

Facial-recognition technology is an exciting field and should not, in and of itself, frighten anybody. If there’s something inherently worrying about robots being capable of individual facial recognition and memory, which, among other things, is the first vital step toward learning how to hold a grudge, I certainly can’t find it.

So far this drastic increase in visual recognition is largely for harmless projects like Nexi, and not yet installed in murderous machine-gun-toting super sniper bots. Well, not in America anyway. But Korea? Not so lucky. It seems that Samsung, benevolent manufacturer of cell phones and air conditioners, also manufactures something else: the world’s first completely autonomous deployed killing machines. Up to this point no robot had been granted a license to kill; all authorization to engage was still in human hands. You’ll recall that this lack of autonomy was literally the only thing saving dozens of American soldiers when a glitch in a war bot’s software started acting up, so, though robots have drastically improved abilities in accuracy and firing rates, at least on some level it was still just some dude ultimately responsible for your life. People are unpredictable: They may succumb to mercy, they may be inattentive, or they may just make an off-the-book judgment call that saves your life. But the Intelligent Surveillance & Security Guard Robot? It does no such thing. It recognizes potential targets independently, assesses their threat level, and decides whether to fire its machine guns all on its own, with no human interaction.

Aw, little robots are all grown up now. Warms your heart, doesn’t it? Actually, that might be blood leaking out of a chest wound; maybe you should check that out.

If You Find Yourself Faced with an ISSGR Sentry Turret, Just Remember These Four Simple Steps

1. Stop.

2. Drop.

3. Roll.

4. Get shot.

The Guard is equipped with ultra-high-definition cameras, infrared lenses, image/voice recognition software… and a swivel-mounted K-3 machine gun. The robot can recognize and target intruders over long distances day or night, and can be programmed either to fire on unauthorized intruders perceived as threats or to require a password and use deadly force only if the incorrect answer is given. I feel the need to stress here that the Guard is not remote controlled; it’s fully automated. And while that’s a neat technological feat—one that’s increasingly sought after in our cute robot dogs and sex bots—perhaps it shouldn’t be handed over to death-dealing sniper bots right away. While the ISSGR is deployed on only the North Korean border for now, it is about to go on sale to private parties for $200K apiece. Technically it’s supposed to be for security uses only, so if you’re not somewhere you shouldn’t be, then you’re in no danger. Or at least, if you’re not within two miles of somewhere you shouldn’t be—because that’s the range in which the ISSGR can detect a “potential threat” and fire a fatal shot.

In the dark.

Next time you get a flat tire in the middle of the night, don’t knock on any doors; just wait in the car for help. It’s not that people are unwilling to lend a hand, you see; it’s just that there’s all these superrobot snipers programmed to kill you if you get within two miles of asking.

If you’re asking yourself “How does this get any worse? Robots already kill independently with unearthly accuracy, power themselves on our corpses, and are capable of feeling rage. How could they possibly pose any more danger than they do right now?” Well, first of all, I’m so glad you’ve been paying attention well enough to recap all of that so succinctly! You get a gold star for chapter completion!

Second of all, it gets so much worse!

Question: What’s deadlier than a furious cannibal sniper bot?

Answer: A whole team of furious cannibal sniper bots.

That’s right: teamwork. It’s the next big thing in robotics, because there’s no “I” in “robot apocalypse.” And there’s no “you” in the robot apocalypse, either. Or at least there won’t be for long, once the robots start double- teaming you. The truly baffling thing about this development is that robots working together to hunt humans is not an accident, or a horrifying unforeseen side effect of an AI gone rogue. No—it’s a request from the fucking Pentagon itself. I’ve actually received a copy of this notice, and will insert it word for word here:

Dear Robots,

Please band together and learn how to hunt us more efficiently. We suffer from ennui as a species, and are aching for death.

Your pal (and walking sandwich),

Humanity

P.S. Our organs are delicious and nutritious!

Well, it fucking might as well read like that, for all intents and purposes. The Pentagon is actively seeking designs for a “multi-robot pursuit system” that enables “packs of robots” to “search for and detect a non-cooperative human.” Those aren’t fake, sarcastic quotes hyping up the disastrous potentiality of a government program for the sake of comedy. Every word of those quotes are in a real, honest-to-God request from the Pentagon itself. When asked for comment, Steve Wright of Leeds Metropolitan University, an expert in military technology, explained thusly:

The giveaway here is the phrase “a non-cooperative human” subject. What we have here are the beginnings of something designed to enable robots to hunt down humans like a pack of dogs. Once the software is perfected we can reasonably anticipate that they will become autonomous and become armed. We can also expect such systems to be equipped with human detection and tracking devices including sensors which detect human breath and the radio waves associated with a human heart beat. These are technologies already developed.

Questions on the Application for the Military Robot Overlord Position

• Do you have experience in handling advanced robotics?

• On a scale of one to ten, how comfortable are you in a leadership role?

• Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the League of Evil? (An answer of “yes” does not necessarily disqualify you.)

There’s actually quite a bit more information in the original interview, but I had to stop and form an ad hoc human resistance movement before I read any further. This terrifying request is part of a program initiated by the United States Army called the Future Combat Systems project, whose chief goal is the mass use of robotics guided by a single soldier. The Army envisions a vast hub of semi-to fully autonomous robotic systems being governed by a single, highly trained soldier on the battlefield, and they’re apparently just crossing their fingers that no supervillains drop by to fill out an application. Though professors of technology and philosophy are direly concerned about the