Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody

potential threat posed by placing a large number of elite killing machines unchecked in the hands of a single man, Dr. CyberKill, a professor of Iron Fist Rule at the University of Resistance Crushing in the Realm of Flaming Steel, recently went on record as stating that he “couldn’t wait for these exciting new developments” and that he sincerely believes that “the consequences will not be dire. Not for all who bow before CyberKill.”

All of these examples, independently, could pose a potentially serious threat to mankind, but they’re all exceedingly rare. They’re frightening, sure, but when taken individually are isolated and easily avoidable. The lying Swedish robots are nearly microscopic and have no real offensive capability; the only existing meat-eating robots either ride around on a little cartoon train or just eat slugs; the ISSGR sniper bot is in Korea, so… don’t be Korean. That’s pretty much your only option for that one. The true danger comes from the combination of these technologies, and surely nobody would allow that to happen, right?

Well, ideally, yes.

But you’ve forgotten one little thing: Go look at your coffeemaker—it probably has a clock on it. Now look at your cell phone; I bet it’s got a camera. If you look in your car, you might see a GPS computer. Just don’t look at your toaster; it might try to poison you. I would also avoid looking at your television; I think it’s eating your cat for fuel right now. And for God’s sake, stay out of the fucking laundry room! The washing machine’s in a bad mood today, it just got night vision installed, and it’s regarded you as a “potential threat” ever since you used that store- brand detergent.

OUTRO

So we’ve reached the end, and thus far you’ve learned all about shifts in the magnetic field and murderous asteroids; carnivorous robots and souped-up lions; the withered, empty balls of modern man; and waves so high that they dwarf skyscrapers. If there’s one single thing that I would love for you to take away from all of this insanity, it is this: Fearmongering works only if you take it seriously. Hopefully, by allowing you to laugh a little bit while you learn of the many theoretically improbable ways you could die, this book will help defuse the surge of panic that the unknown can bring. Scientific advancement is awesome, nature is beautiful, and the world is a lovely place if you can just stop being afraid of it long enough to see it. Perhaps the first vital step to abandoning fear is learning how to laugh at it, and hopefully the end result of this book is just a little bit of cautious optimism; the worst of all possible scenarios have been detailed within these pages for you, and it was all totally ridiculous.

But if there are two things I want you take away from this book, the second one is this:

IN THE EVENT OF A SUPERLION OR CANNIBAL ROBOT ATTACK, THIS BOOK CAN BE USED AS A (ENTIRELY INEFFECTIVE) BLUDGEONING DEVICE, OR CAN BE ROLLED UP AND STUFFED DOWN YOUR THROAT SO THAT YOU MIGHT PEACEFULLY CHOKE OUT BEFORE THE NANOMACHINES START TO EAT YOU.

SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY

1. STANISLAV PETROV

Forden, Geoffrey, Pavel Podvig, and Theodore A. Postol. “Colonel Petrov’s Good Judgment.” IEEE Spectrum V37, number 3 (March 2000).

Little, Allan. “How I Stopped Nuclear War.” BBC News. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/198173.stm.

Hoffman, David. “I Had a Funny Feeling in My Gut.” Washington Post, Foreign Service, February 10, 1999.

2. KLEBSIELLA PLANTICOLA

Ingham, E. R. “Good Intentions and Engineering Organisms That Kill Wheat.” Synthesis/Regeneration 18 (Winter 1999): 14–18.

Holmes, M. T., E. R. Ingham, J. D. Doyle, and C. W. Hendricks. “Effects of Klebsiella planticola SDF20 on Soil Biota and Wheat Growth in Sandy Soil.” Applied Soil Ecology 11, issue 1 (January 3, 1999): 67–78.

Union of Concerned Scientists. “Update on Risk Research.” Fall/Winter 1998. go.ucsusa.org/publications/gene_exchange.cfm?publicationID=266.

Holmes, M., and E. R. Ingham. “Ecological Effects of Genetically Engineered Klebsiella planticola Released into Agricultural Soil with Varying Clay Content.” Applied Soil Ecology 3 (1999): 394–399.

3. FRANKENCROPS

Pollack, Andrew. “No Foolproof Way Is Seen to Contain Altered Genes.” New York Times, January 21, 2004.

Randerson, James. “Genetically Modified Superweeds ‘Not Uncommon.’” New Scientist, February 5, 2005.

MacKenzie, Debora. “Stray Genes Highlight Superweed Danger.” New Scientist 2261, October 26, 2000.

Weiss, Rick. “Engineered DNA Found in Crop Seeds; Tests Show U.S. Failure to Block Contamination from Gene-Altered Varieties.” Washington Post, February 24, 2004.

4. STERILITY

McKie, Robin. “GM Corn Set to Stop Man Spreading His Seed.” The Observer, September 9, 2001.

Dindyal, S. “The Sperm Count Has Been Decreasing Steadily for Many Years in Western Industrialised Countries: Is There an Endocrine Basis for this Decrease?” The Internet Journal of Urology 2, no. 1 (2004).

“Declining Male Fertility Linked to Water Pollution.” Science Daily, January 20, 2009, www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009 /01/090118200636.htm.

Gosman, Gabriella G., Heather I. Katcher, and Richard S. Legro. “Obesity and the Role of Gut and Adipose Hormones in Female Reproduction.” Human Reproduction Update 12(5): 585–601.

Atkinson, R. L., et al. “Human Adenovirus-36 Is Associated with Increased Body Weight and Paradoxical