'I don't exactly-'
There was a scream from up the beach. Mair came running toward us, waving both arms at the same time, as if scaring off imaginary birds. All the crew members gathered around her, waiting for her to catch her breath. When her voice arrived, it did so in a conspiratorial whisper. We couldn't hear a word.
'Mair, speak up,' said Arny.
She looked back toward the shop.
'I can't speak too loud. He might hear me.'
'Who?'
'Him. One of the body snatchers. The bombers. The rats. He's back. He parked up on the road, and he's sneaking down the pathway. But I saw him. Father, get your gun. Let's show this motherf-'
'Mair,' I shouted. 'Calm down. Are you sure it's him?'
'I'd recognize him anywhere.'
There was no time for the gun. We all ran up the beach, grabbing whatever weapons we could find among the debris: bamboo, shoes, used hypodermics. We took up positions behind walls and huts and waited. And waited. I was just about to step out and take a look when a stocky man in an airport baggage-handler's uniform walked brazenly across the car park.
'Get him,' shouted Grandad Jah.
We charged, mindlessly, and the man put up his hands and dropped onto his back with his legs in the air like a submissive dog. Recognizing the signs, Sticky reached the intruder first and, without a second of thought, ripped the mustache clean off the man's face. There should have been blood, but I saw none. The victim did, however, give out a high-pitched scream that I recognized immediately.
'Hold back, everyone,' I shouted. 'It's a relative.'
'Sissi?' said Arny, and rushed over to help his ex-brother to his feet. They hugged. I joined the maul. Mair was a little slow on the uptake.
'Who is that in there?'
'Hello, Mair,' said Sissi.
It was obvious why we hadn't recognized my sister. Apart from the large baggage-handler overalls, she wore a peaked cap and, until recently, an orange mustache. To anyone who didn't know her as Miss Pattaya World 1992, she was all man, complete with a John Wayne walk and a mas-caraed five-o-clock shadow.
'Somkiet?' yelled Mair and rushed to her first-born. She ripped her daughter away from me and Arny and cried all over her.
'Somkiet. You've come back to us.'
The plan was complete.
'So, where should I set up?' Sissi asked me. 'And are you planning to wipe that silly smile off your face anytime soon?
'I'm sorry,' I said. 'I just think it's frogging hilarious.'
'You'd prefer I'd turned up in redneck central, wearing high-heels and a bust-revealing halter neck?'
'Hmm, perhaps you're right. Where did you put them, by the way?'
'Strapped down, reluctantly.'
'I hope they don't burst. You're a sight for sore eyes. Mair's so happy you're here.'
'She looks healthy. All this sea and simplicity's good for her.'
'Good for her body, anyway.'
We were on my veranda, having a very hurried reunion before my boat sailed. Sticky sat at our feet, gnawing on the mustache. I'd told Sissi about the problem we had with the Noys and the Special Branch and that setting up her equipment at our resort might not be such a good idea. We didn't want them coming back to find a computer operation going on.
'Well,' I said, 'if you need other computers, the Internet shop in Pak Nam's the only place. If you're lucky, you might get there before all the high school gamers arrive.'
'And why would the owner let me take over his shop?'
'We have a sort of…understanding. He thinks we're Internet police. You shouldn't have any trouble. Mair can show you where it is.'
She reached into her gym bag and produced what looked like a slim slab of plastic slate.
'All right,' she said. 'Here's the beast. Treat it lovingly.'
'That's it?'
'It's a heavy-duty XR2 double-'
'All right. Enough with the specs. I like it.'
'You should. The Navy Seals use it on missions. It's bulletproof.'
'Really? I don't suppose you've got one about my height and width?'
'I didn't have time to get you external cameras or mikes, so you'll have to do your commentary directly into this little hole here. You'll get fourteen hours on the battery, but here's a back-up just in case you're shipwrecked or cast adrift.'
That thought appalled me more than catching a bullet.
'And that's all I need?'
'No. What do you think I was doing on your boat just now? I've attached one other slice of magic. It's a lightweight Explorer 700 with-'
'Just tell me what it does, all right?'
'It connects to satellites. That's not so easy on a boat because the receiver usually has to be stable. Close to shore you might have got away with using a cell-phone signal. I didn't know how far you'll be going out to sea. But that beauty should give you an unbroken signal from wherever you are.'
'Great, Sis. Thanks. I see you got along really well with the baggage handler?'
'What do you mean?'
'You got him out of his uniform.'
'No. Not my type, as it turned out. He had a spare uniform. But talking about getting along…'
'What?'
'Ed?'
'What about him?'
'He could shiver my timbers anytime. I can see why you've got a thing for that lean machine.'
'I do not have a thing for him.'
'Oh, good. I'll have him then.'
'Good luck. I've heard he's really turned on by mustachioed airport workers.'
'You wait till he sees me out of drag.'
'I'll do my best to keep him alive for you. Time to go.'
We hugged but didn't say goodbye.
'Are you sure all this is going to work?' I asked.
'The technical side I can guarantee. All that other stuff- the boating and the shooting and the rescuing and the drowning-that's up to you lot.'
I walked along the beach. Everyone was on the boat waiting for me. Seven long faces. I was the team leader, and I didn't want them to see how hopeless I thought this all was. I waded out to them with a hopeful expression. I'd remembered to bring a change of clothes in a plastic bag, even though the standard squid boat didn't come complete with a changing room. Captain Ed the grass cutter leaped from his little boat into the chest-high water. The waves didn't appear to buffet him.
'We ready?' he shouted.
The water was already up to my neck. I had the computer and the plastic bag on my head. Ed waded toward me. I knew his intention.
'I'm perfectly capable of getting into a boat without being manhandled,' I said.
I thought there might have been a little ladder somewhere, perhaps a crane. But there was merely a sheer wall of timber. I couldn't even reach the top of it with my hand. 'Sorry,' he said. 'But you aren't.' He ducked beneath the water, put his arms around my upper thighs and lifted me as if I weighed no more than a large herring. Apparently the effects of the antidepressant hadn't quite worn off. Grandad Jah and PI Meng took my belongings,
