''Cause you been on the back of one often enough.'
'That's right. Overreact. Make everything dirty. I can't make a simple comment anymore without you turning it into a TV drama.'
'Me? What about you?'
'Just leave me-'
'Oi!' shouted Egg. 'Shut up. What are you doing here? This is private property.'
'Oh, really?' said Sissi. 'And there we were thinking it was the provincial sports stadium.'
'Don't get smart with me, you old whore,' said Egg. 'Oooo,' said both women.
'Now aren't you jumping to conclusions,' said Mair. 'What, may I ask, leads you to believe my colleague here is a lady of the night?'
'Respectable women don't dress up like you two with skirts up around their arses, and you know it,' said Egg. He'd had enough. He took his gun from his holster. 'Oooo,' said both women.
'So, not satisfied with insulting us, you're now going to shoot us,' said Sissi. 'That's police brutality in its extreme.'
She waved and blew a kiss to the two uniformed men in the upstairs window. The younger waved back.
'And how would you explain that to the Lions Club?' Mair asked. Egg laughed.
'What connection would two old slags like you have with the Lions Club?'
'We're members,' said Mair. 'The cabaret, more like,' said Egg. 'Ooo,' said both women.
'That's it,' said Sissi, 'I'm phoning your superiors.' And she walked to the open door in a huff.
'Stop right there,' shouted Egg and ran after her. 'You're not going in there.'
When he reached her, she was directly underneath the porch roof. He grabbed her arm and pointed his pistol at her ear. She spun suddenly and Tasered him on the neck. He dropped like an actual egg from a chicken's rear end. Mair smiled and walked gaily toward the porch, blowing another kiss to the boys upstairs. Once out of sight from above, she helped Sissi drag the dead weight of Lieutenant Egg into the house.
'He'll be out for five minutes,' Sissi whispered and shut the front door. She pulled the plastic flexi cuffs from her handbag and snapped his wrists together behind him. Then she produced a large foam ball, which she inserted into his mouth.
'I shall have to rethink my own handbag contents,' whispered Mair.
'Now comes the hard part,' said Sissi. 'You up for it?'
'Let me at em.'
The rat brothers had lost sight of Egg and the hookers. Everything was quiet downstairs.
'What are they doing down there?' asked Ben.
'Forgot to bring me X-ray glasses, didn't I?' said Socrates.
'No need for-'
'You boys!' came a woman's voice from the lower floor.
'They're in the house,' said Ben.
'What's he doing letting them in?'
'Perhaps he made…an arrangement.'
'We've got the girl coming in ten minutes. He's the one who said we didn't have time for any arrangements.'
'Boys? Can you hear me?' came the voice again. 'I'm a bit lonely down here. Your lieutenant's entertaining my friend in the front room, and I haven't got anyone to play with. I don't suppose one of you could help me out?'
'I'll go,' said Ben.
'No, wait.'
'I said it first.'
'No, I mean. This doesn't make sense.'
'I'm younger. I can-'
'Listen, stupid. I mean it really doesn't make sense. Egg's not going to get frisky when we got hits to take care of. Doesn't matter how sexy those two are.'
He walked to the bedroom door.
'Egg? Egg?' he shouted.
'He's on the job,' said Ben.
'I don't think so. Listen. You go down first. See if these hookers are really, you know, legit. I'll creep down after you with the gun. Got it?'
They walked to the upstairs balcony, and Socrates shouted, 'That's all right, young man. You go. I'll stay up here and watch…television.'
Lucky. He'd almost said, 'watch the hostage.' It was reassuring when your intellect kicked in at the last minute. Ben took the stairs three at a time. Socrates counted to five, checked that the lady boy was still chained to his bed, and started slowly down the staircase. He paused halfway down. The door to the front room was shut. There were familiar female porn sound-effects coming from beyond it.
He went down two more steps and heard 'But you're such a handsome boy' coming from the direction of the kitchen. 'Come closer.'
Socrates grimaced. He was always the damned bridesmaid. Why was it that good fortune always landed on everyone else? Hookers arrive from heaven on a door-to-door relief mission and he misses out. Typical. Well, at least he could perv. He took the last ten stairs on tiptoe and shuffled silently over to the kitchen door. He looked around the jamb expecting to find some form of laying on the kitchen table. But it was empty but for empties. He took in the fridge, the oven, then stretched his neck all the way to the sink unit. He had barely enough time to notice the legs of his partner akimbo on the kitchen floor before some big-arsed electronic python zapped him from behind and the world was soot.
15.
(from 'Redemption Song' – BOB MARLEY)
'So, what do we do with them?' asked Mair. 'It's been such a long time since my last S amp;M experience. And that was with the clergy.'
Sissi and Chompu turned their heads, raised their eyebrows, and stared at her. Mair's day clothes were in the back of Sissi's rental, but she'd insisted on staying in character. She had a good figure for a fifty-eight-year-old and didn't have too many opportunities to show it off. Sissi had changed into a sensible Japanese cardigan twin set and a long skirt. Chompu was back in his uniform, but his face was a mess.
'I'm rather enjoying this Taser,' he said, leaning over the three manacled villains supine on the living room floor.
'You'll tire of it,' said Sissi. 'We all do, eventually.'
'New toy syndrome,' said the policeman.
'You know?' said Mair. 'It's rather a pity my father can't be here. He would have so enjoyed electrocuting these bullies. In fact, you make it look like so much fun I'm tempted to have a little zap myself.'
'You've had enough excitement for one day,' Sissi reminded her.
'You're probably right. Too much of a good thing. But seriously, what do we do with them? Concrete boots five kilometers out to sea?'
Chompu found it hard to smile through swollen lips.
'We have the two morons here for impersonating police officers,' he said. 'We have the fake police truck out the back. There's probably some law against cloning police vehicles. We might find witnesses to say they saw these two driving it the day your shop blew up. And even if nobody did, I'm sure we can manufacture some. Our problem is…this one.'
He nodded at Egg. There was a button on the Taser that gave a brief shock. Chompu had been trying out its effects on his office mate. He knew how irresponsible and childish it was, but it was so much fun. He edged the muzzle up Egg's thigh one yelp at a time. The three men were gagged with Sissi's foam balls, and Chompu was
