The dishes now steamed with an odour of lobster; the dog sat in the shadow of the tablecloth with the look of a sentry by a powder magazine as Philip Philipovich, thrusting the end of a thick napkin into his collar, boomed on:
‘Food, Ivan Arnoldovich, is a subtle thing. One must know how to eat, yet just think — most people don’t know how to eat at all. One must not only know what to eat, but when and how.’ (Philip Philipovich waved his fork meaningfully.) ‘And what to say while you’re eating. Yes, my dear sir. If you care about your digestion, my advice is — don’t talk about bolshevism or medicine at table. And, God forbid — never read Soviet newspapers before dinner.’
‘M’mm… But there are no other newspapers.’
‘In that case don’t read any at all. Do you know I once made thirty tests in my clinic. And what do you think? The patients who never read newspapers felt excellent. Those whom I specially made read Pravda all lost weight.
‘H’m…’ rejoined Bormenthal with interest, turning gently pink from the soup and the wine.
‘And not only did they lose weight. Their knee reflexes were retarded, they lost appetite and exhibited general depression.’
‘Good heavens…’
‘Yes, my dear sir. But listen to me — I’m talking about medicine!’
Leaning back, Philip Philipovich rang the bell and Zina appeared through the cerise portiere. The dog was given a thick, white piece of sturgeon, which he did not like, then immediately afterwards a chunk of underdone roast beef. When he had gulped it down the dog suddenly felt that he wanted to sleep and could not bear the sight of any more food. Strange feeling, he thought, blinking his heavy eyelids, it’s as if my eyes won’t look at food any longer. As for smoking after they’ve eaten — that’s crazy.
The dining-room was filling with unpleasant blue smoke. The animal dozed, its head on its forepaws. ‘Saint Julien is a very decent wine,’ the dog heard sleepily, ‘but there’s none of it to be had any more.’
A dull mutter of voices in chorus, muffled by the ceiling and carpets, was heard coming from above and to one side.
Philip Philipovich rang for Zina. ‘Zina my dear, what’s that noise?’
‘They’re having another general meeting, Philip Philipovich,’ replied Zina.
‘What, again?’ exclaimed Philip Philipovich mournfully. ‘Well, this is the end of this house. I’ll have to go away -but where to? I can see exactly what’ll happen. First of all there’ll be community singing in the evening, then the pipes will freeze in the lavatories, then the central heating boiler will blow up and so on. This is the end.’
‘Philip Philipovich worries himself to death,’ said Zina with a smile as she cleared away a pile of plates.
‘How can I help it?’ exploded Philip Philipovich. ‘Don’t you know what this house used to be like?’
‘You take too black a view of things, Philip Philipovich,’ objected the handsome Bormenthal. ‘There is a considerable change for the better now.’
‘My dear fellow, you know me, don’t you? I am a man of facts, a man who observes. I’m the enemy of unsupported hypotheses. And I’m known as such not only in Russia but in Europe too. If I say something, that means that it is based on some fact from which I draw my conclusions. Now there’s a fact for you: there is a hat- stand and a rack for boots and galoshes in this house.’
‘Interesting…’
Galoshes — hell. Who cares about galoshes, thought the dog, but he’s a great fellow all the same.
‘Yes, a rack for galoshes. I have been living in this house since 1903. And from then until March 1917 there was not one case — let me underline in red pencil not one case — of a single pair of galoshes disappearing from that rack even when the front door was open. There are, kindly note, twelve flats in this house and a constant stream of people coming to my consulting-rooms. One fine day in March 1917 all the galoshes disappeared, including two pairs of mine, three walking sticks, an overcoat and the porter’s samovar. And since then the rack has ceased to exist. And I won’t mention the boiler. The rule apparently is — once a social revolution takes place there’s no need to stoke the boiler. But I ask you: why, when this whole business started, should everybody suddenly start clumping up and down the marble staircase in dirty galoshes and felt boots? Why must we now keep our galoshes under lock and key? And put a soldier on guard over them to prevent them from being stolen? Why has the carpet been removed from the front staircase? Did Marx forbid people to keep their staircases carpeted? Did Karl Marx say anywhere that the front door of No. 2 Kalabukhov House in Prechistenka Street must be boarded up so that people have to go round and come in by the back door? WTiat good does it do anybody? Why can’t the proletarians leave their galoshes downstairs instead of dirtying the staircase?’
‘But the proletarians don’t have any galoshes, Philip Philipovich,’ stammered the doctor.
‘Nothing of the sort!’ replied Philip Philipovich in a voice of thunder, and poured himself a glass of wine. ‘H’mm… I don’t approve of liqueurs after dinner. They weigh on the digestion and are bad for the liver… Nothing of the sort! The proletarians do have galoshes now and those galoshes are — mine! The very ones that vanished in the spring of 1917. Who removed them, you may ask? Did I remove them? Impossible. The bourgeois Sablin?’ (Philip Philipovich pointed upwards to the ceiling.) ‘The very idea’s laughable. Polozov, the sugar manufacturer?’ (Philip Philipovich pointed to one side.) ‘Never! You see? But if they’d only take them off when they come up the staircase!’ (Philip Philipovich started to turn purple.) ‘Why on earth do they have to remove the flowers from the landing? Why does the electricity, which to the best of my recollection has only failed twice in the past twenty years, now go out regularly once a month? Statistics, Doctor Bormenthal, are terrible things. You who know my latest work must realise that better than anybody.’ ‘The place is going to ruin, Philip Philipovich.’
‘No,’ countered Philip Philipovich quite firmly. ‘No. You must first of all refrain, my dear Ivan Arnoldovich, from using that word. It’s a mirage, a vapour, a fiction,’ Philip Philipovich spread out his short fingers, producing a double shadow like two skulls on the tablecloth. ‘What do you mean by ruin? An old woman with a broomstick? A witch who smashes all the windows and puts out all the lights? No such thing. What do you mean by that word?’ Philip Philipovich angrily enquired of an unfortunate cardboard duck hanging upside down by the sideboard, then answered the question himself. ‘I’ll tell you what it is: if instead of operating every evening I were to start a glee club in my apartment, that would mean that I was on the road to ruin. If when I go to the lavatory I don’t pee, if you’ll excuse the expression, into the bowl but on to the floor instead and if Zina and Darya Petrovna were to do the same thing, the lavatory would be ruined. Ruin, therefore, is not caused by lavatories but it’s something that starts in people’s heads. So when these clowns start shouting “Stop the ruin!” — I laugh!’ (Philip Philipovich’s face became so distorted that the doctor’s mouth fell open.) ‘I swear to you, I find it laughable! Every one of them needs to hit himself on the back of the head and then when he has knocked all the hallucinations out of himself and gets on with sweeping out backyards — which is his real job — all this “ruin” will automatically disappear. You can’t serve two gods! You can’t sweep the dirt out of the tram tracks and settle the fate of the Spanish beggars at the same time! No one can ever manage it, doctor — and above all it can’t be done by people who are two hundred years behind the rest of Europe and who so far can’t even manage to do up their own fly-buttons properly!’
Philip Philipovich had worked himself up into a frenzy. His hawk-like nostrils were dilated. Fortified by his ample dinner he thundered like an ancient prophet and his hair shone like a silver halo.
His words sounded to the sleepy dog like a dull subterranean rumble. At first he dreamed uneasily that the owl with its stupid yellow eyes had hopped off its branch, then he dreamed about the vile face of that cook in his dirty white cap, then of Philip Philipovich’s dashing moustaches sharply lit by electric light from the lampshade. The dreamy sleigh-ride came to an end as the mangled piece of roast beef, floating in gravy, stewed away in the dog’s stomach.
He could earn plenty of money by talking at political meetings, the dog thought sleepily. That was a great speech. Still, he’s rolling in money anyway.
‘A policeman!’ shouted Philip Philipovich. ‘A policeman!’
Policeman? Ggrrr… — something snapped inside the dog’s brain.
‘Yes, a policeman! Nothing else will do. Doesn’t matter whether he wears a number or a red cap. A policeman should be posted alongside every person in the country with the job of moderating the vocal outbursts of our honest citizenry. You talk about ruin. I tell you, doctor, that nothing will change for the better in this house, or in any other house for that matter, until you can make these people stop talking claptrap! As soon as they put an end to this mad chorus the situation will automatically change for the better.’
‘You sound like a counter-revolutionary, Philip Philipovich,’ said the doctor jokingly. ‘I hope to God nobody hears you.’
