‘I’m doing no harm,’ Philip Philipovich objected heatedly. ‘Nothing counter-revolutionary in all that. Incidentally, that’s a word I simply can’t tolerate. What the devil is it supposed to mean, anyway? Nobody knows. That’s why I say there’s nothing counter-revolutionary in what I say. It’s full of sound sense and a lifetime of experience.’
At this point Philip Philipovich pulled the end of his luxurious napkin out of his collar. Crumpling it up he laid it beside his unfinished glass of wine. Bormenthal at once rose and thanked his host.
‘Just a minute, doctor,’ Philip Philipovich stopped him and took a wallet out of his hip pocket. He frowned, counted out some white 10-rouble notes and handed them to the doctor, saying, ‘You are due for 40 roubles today, Ivan Arnoldovich. There you are.’
Still in slight pain from his dog-bite, the doctor thanked him and blushed as he stuffed the money into his coat pocket.
‘Do you need me this evening, Philip Philipovich?’ he enquired.
‘No thanks, my dear fellow. We shan’t be doing anything this evening. For one thing the rabbit has died and for another Aida is on at the Bolshoi this evening. It’s a long time since I heard it. I love it… Do you remember that duet? Pom-pom-ti-pom…’
‘How do you find time for it, Philip Philipovich?’ asked the doctor with awe.
‘One can find time for everything if one is never in a hurry,’ explained his host didactically. ‘Of course if I started going to meetings and carolling like a nightingale all day long, I’d never find time to go anywhere’ — the repeater in Philip Philipovich’s pocket struck its celestial chimes as he pressed the button — ‘It starts at nine. I’ll go in time for the second act. I believe in the division of labour. The Bolshoi’s job is to sing, mine’s to operate. That’s how things should be. Then there’d be none of this “ruin”… Look, Ivan Arnoldovich, you must go and take a careful look: as soon as he’s properly dead, take him off the table, put him straight into nutritive fluid and bring him to me!’
‘Don’t worry, Philip Philipovich, the pathologist has promised me.’
‘Excellent. Meanwhile, we’ll examine this neurotic street arab of ours and stitch him up. I want his flank to heal…’
He’s worrying about me, thought the dog, good for him. Now I know what he is. He’s the wizard, the magician, the sorcerer out of those dogs’ fairy tales… I can’t have dreamed it all. Or have I? (The dog shuddered in his sleep.) Any minute now I’ll wake up and there’ll be nothing here. No silk-shaded lamp, no warmth, no food. Back on the streets, back in the cold, the frozen asphalt, hunger, evil-minded humans… the factory canteen, the snow… God, it will be unbearable…!
But none of that happened. It was the freezing doorway which vanished like a bad dream and never came back.
Clearly the country was not yet in a total state of ruin. In spite of it the grey accordion-shaped radiators under the windows filled with heat twice a day and warmth flowed in waves through the whole apartment. The dog had obviously drawn the winning ticket in the dogs’ lottery. Never less than twice a day his eyes filled with tears of gratitude towards the sage of Prechistenka. Every mirror in the living-room or the hall reflected a good-looking, successful dog.
I am handsome. Perhaps I’m really a dog prince, living incognito, mused the dog as he watched the shaggy, coffee-coloured dog with the smug expression strolling about in the mirrored distance. I wouldn’t be surprised if my grandmother didn’t have an affair with a labrador. Now that I look at my muzzle, I see there’s a white patch on it. I wonder how it got there. Philip Philipovich is a man of great taste -he wouldn’t just pick up any stray mongrel.
In two weeks the dog ate as much as in his previous six weeks on the street. Only by weight, of course. In quality the food at the professor’s apartment was incomparable. Apart from the fact that Darya Petrovna bought a heap of meat-scraps for 18 kopecks every day at the Smolensk market, there was dinner every evening in the dining-room at seven o’clock, at which the dog was always present despite protests from the elegant Zina. It was during these meals that Philip Philipovich acquired his final title to divinity. The dog stood on his hind legs and nibbled his jacket, the dog learned to recognise Philip Philipovich’s ring at the door — two loud, abrupt proprietorial pushes on the bell — and would run barking out into the hall. The master was enveloped in a dark brown fox-fur coat, which glittered with millions of snowflakes and smelled of mandarin oranges, cigars, perfume, lemons, petrol, eau de cologne and cloth, and his voice, like a megaphone, boomed all through the apartment.
‘Why did you ruin the owl, you little monkey? Was the owl doing you any harm? Was it, now? Why did you smash the portrait of Professor Mechnikov?’
‘He needs at least one good whipping, Philip Philipovich,’ said Zina indignantly, ‘or he’ll become completely spoiled. Just look what he’s done to your galoshes.’
‘No one is to be beaten,’ said Philip Philipovich heatedly, ‘remember that once and for all. Animals and people can only be influenced by persuasion. Have you given him his meat today?’
‘Lord, he’s eaten us out of house and home. What a question, Philip Philipovich. He eats so much I’m surprised he doesn’t burst.’
‘Fine. It’s good for him… what harm did the owl do you, you little ruffian?’
Ow-ow, whined the dog, crawling on his belly and splaying out his paws.
The dog was forcefully dragged by the scruff of his neck through the hall and into the study. He whined, snapped, clawed at the carpet and slid along on his rump as if he were doing a circus act. In the middle of the study floor lay the glass-eyed owl. From its disembowelled stomach flowed a stream of red rags that smelled of mothballs. Scattered on the desk were the fragments of a portrait.
‘I purposely didn’t clear it up so that you could take a good look,’ said Zina distractedly. ‘Look — he jumped up on to the table, the little brute, and then — bang! — he had the owl by the tail. Before I knew what was happening he had torn it to pieces. Rub his nose in the owl, Philip Philipovich, so that he learns not to spoil things.’
Then the howling began. Clawing at the carpet, the dog was dragged over to have his nose rubbed in the owl. He wept bitter tears and thought: Beat me, do what you like, but don’t throw me out.
‘Send the owl to the taxidermist at once. There’s 8 roubles, and 16 kopecks for the tram-fare, go down to Murat’s and buy him a good collar and a lead.’
Next day the dog was given a wide, shiny collar. As soon as he saw himself in the mirror he was very upset, put his tail between his legs and disappeared into the bathroom, where he planned to pull the collar off against a box or a basket. Soon, however, the dog realised that he was simply a fool. Zina took him walking on the lead along Obukhov Street. The dog trotted along like a prisoner under arrest, burning with shame, but as he walked along Prechistenka Street as far as the church of Christ the Saviour he soon realised exactly what a collar means in life. Mad envy burned in the eyes of every dog he met and at Myortvy Street a shaggy mongrel with a docked tail barked at him that he was a ‘master’s pet’ and a ‘lackey’. As they crossed the tram tracks a policeman looked at the collar with approval and respect. When they returned home the most amazing thing of all happened — with his own hands Fyodor the porter opened the front door to admit Sharik and Zina, remarking to Zina as he did so: ‘What a sight he was when Philip Philipovich brought him in. And now look how fat he is.’
‘So he should be — he eats enough for six,’ said the beautiful Zina, rosy-cheeked from the cold.
A collar’s just like a briefcase, the dog smiled to himself. Wagging his tail, he climbed up to the mezzanine like a gentleman.
Once having appreciated the proper value of a collar, the dog made his first visit to the supreme paradise from which hitherto he had been categorically barred — the realm of the cook, Darya Petrovna. Two square inches of Darya’s kitchen was worth more than all the rest of the flat. Every day flames roared and flashed in the tiled, black-leaded stove. Delicious crackling sounds came from the oven. Tortured by perpetual heat and unquenchable passion, Darya Petrovna’s face was a constant livid purple, slimy and greasy. In the neat coils over her ears and in the blonde bun on the back of her head flashed twenty-two imitation diamonds. Golden saucepans hung on hooks round the walls, the whole kitchen seethed with smells, while covered pans bubbled and hissed…
‘Get out!’ screamed Darya Petrovna. ‘Get out, you no-good little thief! Get out of here at once or I’ll be after you with the poker!’
Hey, why all the barking? signalled the dog pathetically with his eyes. What d’you mean — thief? Haven’t you noticed my new collar? He backed towards the door, his muzzle raised appealingly towards her.
The dog Sharik possessed some secret which enabled him to win people’s hearts. Two days later he was stretched out beside the coal-scuttle watching Darya Petrovna at work. With a thin sharp knife she cut off the heads
