Myth-Gotten Gains

'Tell him your story,' I said.

Calypsa took a deep breath. 'It all began ten years ago....'

'How about some sweetmeats?' Buirnie hadn't listened to a word. He tootled a trill. Another Elban hurried behind her, pushing a wheeled tray. 'These are the best cocoriddle waffles in the city. Or so I'm told. I don't eat them myself, of course.'

'No, thanks,' I said. I turned both females around and hustled them back out, and locked the door behind them to prevent any more interruptions. I signed to Tananda. Our disguises dropped. The Fife's emerald eyes went wider than before.

'You're not from around here, are you? A Trollop, a Walt and a Per...Pervect. Don't hurt me, please. I give pleasure to millions!'

The Trolls stepped closer, folding their meaty arms across their chests.

'We're not here to hurt you,' I said. 'We need your help. Okay, kid,' I told Calypsa. 'Talk.'

She tried. Buirnie was too nervous to be a good listener. He kept interrupting with offers of hospitality, comments on the weather, compliments to us, and musical interludes. In the end she got it all out.

'So I appeal to you,' she concluded, 'honored Buirnie. Join me and help set my grandfather free of the terrible wizard's chains before the time runs out!'

'What an awful situation! I can see why my brother and sister Hoarders are involved. And these fine people are helping you, too? That's very noble of them,' the Flute said. 'Not so noble,' Asti burst out. 'Rewards are involved.'

'That's not uncommon,' Buirnie chided her. 'They're only mortal, after all. No offense!' he added, as I rose from my seat with intent.

'Let's get to the point,' I said. 'She needs the entire Golden Hoard, and that means you, too. What about it? We've got three more treasures to look up after you.'

The Fife turned to Calypsa. 'Little gal, I feel for you. I know how much your grandfather means to you, but I really have too much to do to come on another quest at the moment.'

'Buirnie!' Ersatz chided him.

'Ersatz, I am serious. You wouldn't kick loose from the middle of a war to go bounding off to another battle, would you?'

'No...'

'Then you will understand why I can't leave. I have obligations here. Very important ones.'

'Ones that make you feel important, you mean,' Kelsa said.

'Naturally, sweet thing!' Buirnie said.

'But my grandfather's life is at stake here!' Calypsa said, wringing her hands together. 'This is important.'

Buirnie let out a whistling sigh. 'That, little lady, is what they all say. Sorry.'

'I'll do anything if you will come with me!'

'Anything?' Buirnie asked, on a rising note of interest.

'Within reason,' I said, firmly. 'You're not going to pull any funny business on this girl.'

'You bet. I would never ask this little lady to do anything that might make her uncomfortable. Let's make it a fair contest,' Buirnie said, clearly not liking the expression on my face. 'Well, then, I've got a proposition for you. I'm sponsoring a contest in which I am looking for the very best singer on Elb.'

'What's it called?' Calypsa asked eagerly.

'It's called The Very Best Singer on Elb. I named it myself,' Buirnie said proudly. 'I host it every year, in several different dimensions. Maybe you've seen me on the crystal network?'

'Oh, I have,' Kelsa said. 'The last one on Calliope who won, I thought she wasn't quite as good as the second place, though somehow the audience voted for her...'

'Not now,' I said, cutting her off. 'We're talking business.'

'Oh, very well, but she wasn't as good!' Kelsa subsided, blinking at me from behind her glasses.

'Nobody cares,' I said, curtly. I turned back to the Flute. 'What's this proposition?'

'It's perfectly simple,' Buirnie said. 'I'll play you for my cooperation.'

'But that isn't fair,' Calypsa said. 'I am a dancer, not a singer.'

Buirnie shuddered. 'Neither are most of the people who enter the contest. But, it's my challenge. If you really want my help, you'll rise to the occasion. Come up on stage with me tonight. If you enter the contest—and you win—I'll come with you now, and abandon my other obligations to help save your grandfather. What do you say?'

What choice did we have?

Buirnie had the Trolls escort us out of his dressing room and down under the stage into a huge chamber that had all the

charm of the dungeon in Mernge. Its rough stone walls had been lined with mirrors and clothes racks where all the other contestants were getting ready for the contest. I had Tananda restore our disguises. I didn't want to scare the locals. Besides, Calypsa was so nervous that her feet did the flamenco all the way down the stairs.

'I don't even speak the language!' Calypsa wailed. 'How can I please such an audience? Woe to the House of Calypso, that it should be reduced to a singing contest to save itself!'

'Since when did you ever have stage fright?' I asked her.

'Fear not, child,' Ersatz said, soothingly. 'Be valiant and do your best. All will come out well.'

'Can you give her a potion to calm her down?' I asked Asti.

'Oh, no artificial stimulants permitted!' Kelsa shrilled. 'She would be disqualified.'

'Maybe that would be best,' Tananda said. 'She's too nervous to compete.'

'You stay here,' I said to Tananda. 'I'll scope out the competition.'

Buirnie was right' most of them weren't good. That was our best hope, that whatever peep Calypsa could let out in front of the audience would sound better than the rest of them.

'Aaaahhh hohhhh! Ah hah hah hah! Ah hee hee hee hee hee!'

I narrowed my eyes. That sounded suspiciously like opera, and pretty professional, too. I shoved through the crowd of wannabes looking for the source of the sound.

At the very back of the big dressing room, a huge female Elban was warming up. Her voice was so loud it rang off the rafters and the stone walls. Most of the contestants near her had edged as far away as the crowd permitted. I grabbed a powder puff off the nearest dressing table, tore it in half, and shoved it into my ears. If the Elbans near me noticed a discrepancy between the apparent size of my ears and the amount of fluffy wool I could stuff into them, they were in too much

misery to say so. Not that I would have cared; it was a matter of survival.

The female, a bright pink like I was supposed to be, tipped me a wink, laid a delicate hand across her ample chest, and burst into song. My heart sank. Calypsa was right. We didn't have a chance. I went back to my companions to wait out the inevitable and work on a Plan B.

Chapter 10

THE EXCITEMENT IN the wings of the immense theater was palpable, but I knew we were fighting a hopeless cause. Tananda and I had helped Calypsa go over every song she knew to pick out one that would please the audience and the Flute, who had avoided all contact with us from the moment we'd been ushered out of his dressing room. It didn't help that the opera singer had been as good as she had sounded warming up, but even the bad singers were better than our candidate. The producer, a stout male with a pale coat, kept shushing us. I felt like tearing his head off, but that wouldn't have made Calypsa's singing any better. I don't think anything could have.

'I don't know why we didn't just pick him up and bamf out when we had the chance,' I grumbled, not for the first time.

'It is fair for him to set such a contest,' Ersatz said. 'Why, I mind me of a time when I was rammed into a stone by a wizard, to seek him who should be king of the land.'