carry me to the gate of the castle. I promise that they will be helpless before us.'
'That won't unlock the prison cell, you pennywhistle,' Asti said. 'We need to take over their minds, and the bodies will follow. I have a potion, if poured into the well that serves the castle, will make them your willing slaves. All of them, including their master, will obey your every command.'
'What if he doesn't drink water?' Ersatz said. 'No, you must confront him, Calypsa. With me in your hand you cannot fail. Kill him, and your grandfather's freedom is assured.'
'A bribe will do better,' Chin-Hwag said. 'I will determine if the henchmen are corruptible. Gold will do more to undermine any blood oaths that they have taken, I promise you. I have seldom met any creatures who, when acting with free will, would not take the money if they were certain that they wouldn't be caught.'
'Oh, bosh,' Kelsa said. 'I know where the sewers open up, Calypsa, dear. I can guide you through to the dungeons. It is the simplest thing.'
'I thought you said you could not see through the walls,' Payge reminded her. 'I have spells to undo Barrik's obfusca-tion. All I need is time to search through my memory. I can counter anything that he can throw. I will render them into your language, and you shall cast them. Have you ever done magik before, Calypsa?'
'No...'
'Hold hard, friend!' Ersatz said. 'She cannot carry us all!'
'No, I fear she cannot. Therefore she must use the object with the greatest range of usefulness. That would be me.'
'How now? You would attempt to suborn MY apprentice?'
I put my fingers in my mouth and whistled.
'Hold it! Hold it!'
The Hoard turned to look at me. Ersatz's eyes fastened upon mine. They were as sharp as his blade.
'What say you, friend Aahz? We are very busy.'
'Busy? You're beating your chops! This doesn't sound like a coherent strategy. The idea's to break Calypso out of the dungeon, right? You each have your own plan! There's no cooperation. You're all talking, and no one is listening. Look, if you tried...'
'Enough,' Ersatz said. 'This does not concern you, friend Aahz. Pray let us continue uninterrupted.'
They all turned back to their argument.
'I predict victory,' Kelsa said. 'But, only if you use my talents, Calypsa, dear. Don't pay attention to the others. I will be able to foresee your enemy's movements...'
'You cannot even see into the castle!' Ersatz boomed. 'I will be your key and your guide, Calypsa. Follow my instructions. We will succeed!'
'It might be better,' Asti said, 'if along with you she had something to protect her weak side.'
'If only the Shield still existed,' Kelsa said.
'He doesn't?' Buirnie asked, his mouth hole round. 'I didn't know. That's terrible!'
'He fell bravely defending a warrior maiden,' Payge said. 'I have the whole tale in section...'
'Never mind,' Asti said. 'I can brew you a potion that will harden your skin, girl. It may interfere with your suppleness, but you can't have everything.'
'No one is going to impair MY PROTEGE'S natural gifts!' Ersatz exclaimed.
I couldn't stand it any longer. 'You're going to get this kid locked up or killed! And you call yourselves the greatest magikal items ever made? I'm NOT impressed.'
Asti eyed me then turned to Calypsa.
'Perhaps you should tell your hired help that we do not need his assistance in order to conquer one small castle and one ordinary mortal wizard,' she said, her voice dripping with icicles.
'Just what do you mean by that?' I snarled.
'Why, that you should take a seat and let us work out what to do. Calypsa will decide, then she will tell you what tasks you will undertake. Under our direction, of course.'
'You're out of your collective minds!'
'Give them a chance to work out a plan,' Calypsa said, pleadingly. 'They have so much experience.'
'But not at working together,' Tananda said. 'At least, not in centuries, if the story they told us before is accurate.
'You're not going to try and tell me again that you mortals had a company greater than OURS, are you?' Asti said. 'We are legends!'
I leaned over them. 'Did you ever think for a minute that we were legends of a different kind? Ask anyone! M.Y.T.H., Inc. solved some pretty knotty problems, and we did it by working together. You're each trying to convince Calypsa that she ought to take you, and the others can play backup. That's not the way to handle a situation like this. You're all vice presidents with no middle managers.'
'If you are afraid you will not receive your reward, Pervect,' Payge said, 'rest assured we pay our debts. Once this matter is settled we will find a way to give you what was promised. Now, if you will, shhh!'
'DON'T YOU TELL ME TO SHHH!'
'Now, as for storming the castle,' Ersatz began. 'It's a dumb idea, excuse my being blunt,' Buirnie said. 'Now, my plan...'
'I can show you precedents where spells read by an amateur succeeded...,' Payge put in.
'Potions,' Asti said. 'Potions are the only real answer.'
Kelsa rolled her eyes. 'Oh, dear, no! Anticipation. That's what is needed here.'
'Appeal to their baser natures,' Chin-Hwag said. 'All of you are foolish to think anything else...'
Tananda made a throat-cutting gesture to me. The power was building up in the room. Even I could feel the floor starting to shake. Two disasters were brewing, one present and one future, and the Hoard wasn't paying attention to either one.
'THAT'S ENOUGH!' I bellowed.
The eyes all turned to look at me.
'I won't take the rewards,' I said. 'As of this minute, I'm releasing all claims.'
'You don't mean that, Aahz,' Tananda said.
'I mean it,' I snarled at her, more harshly than I intended. 'Don't make this harder than it's gonna be.'
Tananda was an old friend. She understood at once without having to have a long, painful explanation.
'You do not need to refuse repayment, my Pervect companion,' Ersatz said kindly. 'You are more than worthy of your hire. When we find Bozebos, then he will surely be able to restore your powers.'
'I don't want them back that way,' I said, flatly. 'You're all experts in your own field, but you're not presenting a coherent strategy. As long as I am beholden to you for what you promised me, you aren't paying any attention to me. Well, I am fed up with the way you bicker between yourselves. It's not getting us anywhere. You don't even know when you're about to cause a major cataclysm. I'm tired of you treating me and Tananda like minions. We're professionals, seasoned professionals. Calypsa doesn't know anything. You're confusing her. She doesn't know what to do, and she's going to get hurt because she trusts you. Calypso has very little time left. Someone has to take charge, and that someone is ME.'
'What are you saying, friend?' Ersatz asked.
I took a deep breath. 'I'm relinquishing it, money, powers, everything. We're all fighting for the same thing, now, setting Calypsa's grandfather free and getting the Ring away from Barrik. I don't want any legendary treasures left in that castle. In fact, I want the place vacated completely. He'll just have to find a timeshare somewhere else.'
'Well.' For the very first time, Asti regarded me with a measure of respect. 'This selflessness isn't like you, Aahz.'
'Yes, it is,' Tananda said. I turned to glare. She put her hands on her hips and stared me straight in the eye.
Ersatz made an 'ahem!' noise. It wasn't exactly throat-clearing, since he had no throat, but it got our attention. We broke the stare-down.
'I beg your pardon for interrupting this modesty fest,' he said, 'but this makes us equals in interest. We have a grandfather to rescue and a Ring to retrieve. Pray, Aahz, tell us your plan.'
