John DeChancie
Castle Spellbound
'Fairy fair, Fairy fair, wish thou me well;
'Gainst evil witcheries weave me a spell!'
OUR STORY BEGINS
Once upon a time, in a great enchanted castle far, far away, there lived two apprentice magicians, Thorsby and Fetchen by name.
They liked to party.
Drinking and wenching were their chief avocations, magic being merely something they had to do to earn their keep. Mediocre sorcerers, they were quite adept at procrastination. In fact, at the craft of inventing excuses to take longer than was necessary to accomplish their appointed tasks, and in the fine art of goldbricking in general, they were past masters.
And they were continually being called on the carpet for it.
'Miserable wastrels!'
Thorsby looked up from his gin rummy hand. 'Sorry, Spellmaster. What was it you said?'
'Stand to attention!'
Thorsby and Fetchen shot to their feet. Cards fluttered to the oaken floor.
'Turn around!'
Spellmaster Grosmond clasped his hands behind his back and paced back and forth in front of them, dressing them up and down with dark, close-set hawk's-eyes. He didn't like what he saw.
He stopped before Thorsby, bringing his nose to within an inch of the apprentice's.
'Were you or were you not supposed to look after the ventilation spell in the east wing of the keep?'
'I was, sir.'
'And did you?'
'I… I'm afraid I haven't got to it quite yet, sir.'
'Not quite yet. I see. And might I ask when you'll be troubling yourself?'
'Uh, immediately, sir. I was just going to get to it after break.'
'Ah, you're on break, are you?'
'Yes, sir.'
'Both of you?'
'Yes, sir,' Fetchen confirmed.
'Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't you two been on break all morning?'
'No, sir!' they piped.
'I swear I walked past this ready room just after breakfast and saw the two of you fiddling with pasteboard, just as now.'
'Sir, couldn't have been us,' Thorsby suggested.
'I suppose not. My mistake.'
Stroking his gray beard, Grosmond sidestepped to Fetchen. 'Am I again mistaken or did I see a report about flies in the Queen's Dining Hall on this morning's task sheet?'
'You did, sir.'
'And did you, Master Fetchen, as Pest-Remover-onWatch, go to the Queen's Dining Hall and find flies?'
'Yes, sir. Swarms of them. How they got there is anyone's guess.'
'I could venture one. They came through a nearby outdoor portal, caught the scent of food, and went directly thence. Sound plausible to you?'
'Rather plausible at that, sir.'
'So let me ask you this, Master Fetchen. Why are there still swarms of flies-nay, a blizzard of them, buzzing madly about-in the Queen's Dining Hall?'
'Sir, they didn't respond to the usual fly-shooing spell.'
'Oh, they didn't?'
'No, sir. These appear not to be your ordinary run of fly.
'Not your ordinary run of fly. I see, I see. And when the fly-shooing enchantment didn't work, what did you do?'
'Well, nothing for the moment, Spellmaster, except to seek out Journeyman Quesnor and solicit advice.'
'And what advice did Journeyman Quesnor have for you?'
'None, sir. I couldn't find him.'
'And?'
''And,' sir? Well, I didn't quite know what to do then, sir.'
'Oh, you didn't?'
'Uh… no, sir.'
'I see. So you did nothing, and the king's Guests had no breakfast this morning.'
'Well, there was nothing I could have done about it, sir.'
'Nothing. And here you sit, playing gin.'
'Uh… well, sir. You see, it's like this-'
'Shut that jabbering hole of yours!'
'Yes, sir.'
Grosmond continued pacing, his long black robes sweeping the crumb-littered floor.
'This place is a sty,' he grumbled. 'Did it ever occur to any one of you apprentices to take a whisk broom-? Ah, never mind.'
He whirled on the two of them:
'Mark my words. I've had my eye on the twain of you. You're alike, two peas in a pod. Whenever trouble arises, somehow you two turn up at the bottom of it.'
Thorsby said, 'Sir, you really oughtn't-'
'Silence!'
Grosmond folded his arms and tapped his right toe. 'I've had enough of your lollygagging and a bellyful of your endlessly inventive excuses. You two will either shape up or be sacked from the apprentice program.'
Fetchen piped, 'You may rest assured we'll do the former, sir!'
'Oh, may I? I'm not at all sure. Well, we'll see. Meanwhile, I'm taking you off regular day shift and putting you on special detail.'
Thorsby ventured, 'May I ask, Spellmaster, what special detail?'
'You may. Recently an ancient storage room was discovered in the cellar of the King's Tower. Hadn't been entered in years. No dust spell, or the one that'd been laid on long ago had fizzled. Consequently, the place is a mess. Have you heard of this?'
'Uh, yes, sir,' Fetchen said. 'They say there's many a curious artifact down there.'
'Yes, possibly quite a number of historical value, once the Chamberlain can get in there to sort things out. But he can't until the place is cleaned up.'
'A dust-vanishing spell will do the trick, sir,' Thorsby offered. 'We can do those right well, sir.'
'No vanishing spells!' Grosmond warned. 'You might magick something of value into oblivion. No, lads. Elbow grease will be your philtre, a broom your only talisman.'
'Really, sir,' Fetchen protested weakly.
