'It was what it was.'
'That's impossible! That's cruel!'
'So what if it's cruel; just endure it, if it's cruel.'
'You're taking revenge on me for yesterday's fantasy...' he muttered, grinning spitefully. Liza flushed.
'What a base thought!'
'Then why did you give me ... 'so much happiness'? Do I have the right to know?'
'No, try doing without rights somehow; don't crown the baseness of your suggestion with foolishness. You're not doing well today. Incidentally, are you not perchance afraid of the world's opinion, and that you'll be condemned for this 'so much happiness'? Oh, if you are, for God's sake don't worry. You didn't cause anything, and you're not answerable to anyone. When I was opening your door yesterday, you didn't even know who was coming in. Here it was precisely my fantasy alone, as you just put it, and nothing more. You can look everyone boldly and triumphantly in the eye.'
'Your words, this laughter, for an hour already they've been sending a chill of horror over me. This 'happiness' you're now talking about so frenziedly has cost me... everything. How can I lose you now? I swear I loved you less yesterday. Why then do you take everything from me today? Do you know how much it cost me, this new hope? I paid for it with life.'
'Your own or someone else's?'
He got up quickly.
'What does that mean?' he said, looking at her motionlessly.
'Paid with your own life or with mine, that is what I wanted to ask. Or have you now lost all understanding entirely?' Liza flushed. 'Why did you jump up so suddenly? Why are you looking at me that way? You scare me. Why are you afraid all the time? I noticed a while ago that you're afraid, precisely now, precisely at this moment... Lord, you're turning so pale!'
'If you know anything, Liza, I swear that
'I don't understand you at all,' she said, faltering timorously.
At last a slow, pensive grin appeared on his lips. He slowly sat down, put his elbows on his knees, and covered his face with his hands.
'A bad dream and delirium ... We were talking about two different things.'
'I don't know at all what you were talking about... Did you really not know yesterday that I would leave you today, did you or did you not? Don't lie, did you know or did you not?'
'I did...' he uttered softly.
'So what do you want: you knew it, and you reserved 'the moment' for yourself. How can there be any score?'
'Tell me the whole truth,' he cried out with deep suffering, 'when you opened my door yesterday, did you know yourself that you were opening it for one hour only?'
She looked at him with hatred:
'Truly, the most serious man can ask the most amazing questions. And why do you worry so? Can it be out of pride that a woman left you first, and not you her? You know, Nikolai Vsevolodovich, since I've been here I've become convinced, among other things, that you are being terribly magnanimous towards me, and that is precisely what I cannot endure in you.'
He got up from his place and walked several steps about the room.
'Very well, suppose it has to end this way... But how could it all have happened?'
'Who cares! And the main thing is that you yourself can tell it off on your own fingers and understand it better than anyone in the world and were counting on it. I am a young lady, my heart was brought up in the opera, it started there, that's the whole answer.'
'No.'
'There's nothing here that can gall your pride, and it's all perfectly true. It began with a beautiful moment which I could not endure. Two days ago when I 'offended' you before all the world, and you gave me such a chivalrous reply, I came home and guessed at once that you were running away from me because you were married, and not at all out of contempt for me—which is what I, being a young lady of fashion, was most afraid of. I understood that it was me, a reckless girl, that you were protecting by running away. You see how I value your magnanimity. Then Pyotr Stepanovich jumped up to me and explained it all at once. He revealed to me that you were being shaken by a great idea, before which he and I were utterly nothing, but that I still stood in your way. He included himself in it; he absolutely wanted it to be the three of us together, and said the most fantastic things about a bark and maple oars from some Russian song. I praised him, said he was a poet, and he took it for pure gold. And since I'd known for a long time, even without that, that I'd never last more than a moment, I just up and decided. So that's all, and enough, and, please, no more explanations. Otherwise we might quarrel. Don't be afraid of anyone, I take it all upon myself. I'm bad, I'm capricious, I got tempted by an operatic bark, I'm a young lady ... But, you know, I still thought you loved me terribly. Don't despise a foolish girl or laugh at this little tear that just fell. I like terribly much to cry and 'pity myself.' Well, enough, enough. I'm not capable of anything, you're not capable of anything; two flicks, one on each side, and let that be a comfort to us. At least our pride doesn't suffer.'
'Dream and delirium!' Nikolai Vsevolodovich cried out, wringing his hands and pacing the room. 'Liza, poor Liza, what have you done to yourself?'
'Burned myself in a candle, that's all. Are you crying, too? Be more decent, more unfeeling...'
'Why, why did you come to me?'
'But don't you understand, finally, what a comical position you put yourself in before worldly opinion by asking such questions?'
