Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

that you really understand how to use metaphors in your writing.” “I can see that you were really into your project on the Incas. When I read it, I felt as though I were in ancient Peru.”) You are taught to talk to her this way too.

Finally, the counselor strongly urges that your daughter attend a high school that is less pressured than the one you have your eye on. There are other fine schools that focus more on learning and less on grades and test scores. You take your daughter around and spend time in each of the schools. Thenhe discusses with you and the counselor which ones she was most excited about and felt most at ease in.

Slowly, you learn to separate your needs and desires from hers. You may have needed a daughter who was number one in everything, but your daughter needed something else: acceptance from her parents and freedom to grow. As you let go, your daughter becomes much more genuinely involved in the things she does. She does them for interest and learning, and she does them very well indeed.

Is your child trying to tell you something you don’t want to hear? You know the ad that asks, “Do you know where your child is now?” If you can’t hear what your child is trying to tell you—in words or actions—then you don’t know where your child is. Enter the growth mindset and listen harder.

MINDSET AND WILLPOWER

Sometimes we don’t want to change ourselves very much. We just want to be able to drop some pounds and keep them off. Or stop smoking. Or control our anger.

Some people think about this in a fixed-mindset way. If you’re strong and have willpower, you can do it. But if you’re weak and don’t have willpower, you can’t. People who think this way may firmly resolve to do something, but they’ll take no special measures to make sure they succeed. These are the people who end up saying, “Quitting is easy. I’ve done it a hundred times.”

It’s just like the chemistry students we talked about before. The ones with the fixed-mindset thought: “If I have ability, I’ll do well; if I don’t, I won’t.” As a result, they didn’t use sophisticated strategies to help themselves. They just studied in an earnest but superficial way and hoped for the best.

When people with a fixed mindset fail their test—in chemistry, dieting, smoking, or anger—they beat themselves up. They’re incompetent, weak, or bad people. Where do you go from there?

My friend Nathan’s twenty-fifth high school reunion was coming up, and when he thought about how his ex- girlfriend would be there, he decided to lose the paunch. He’d been handsome and fit in high school and he didn’t want to show up as a fat middle-aged man.

Nathan had always made fun of women and their diets. What’s the big fuss? You just need some self-control. To lose the weight, he decided he would just eat part of what was on his plate. But each time he got into a meal, the food on the plate disappeared. “I blew it!” he’d say, feeling like a failure and ordering dessert—either to seal the failure or to lift his mood.

I’d say, “Nathan, this isn’t working. You need a better system. Why not put some of the meal aside at the beginning or have the restaurant wrap it up to take home? Why not fill your plate with extra vegetables, so it’ll look like more food? There are lots of things you can do.” To this he would say, “No, I have to be strong.”

Nathan ended up going on one of those liquid crash diets, losing weight for the reunion, and putting back more than he lost afterward. I wasn’t sure how this was being strong, and how using some simple strategies was being weak.

Next time you try to diet, think of Nathan and remember that willpower is not just a thing you have or don’t have. Willpower needs help. I’ll come back to this point.

Anger

Controlling anger is something else that’s a problem for many people. Something triggers their temper and off they go, losing control of their mouths or worse. Here, too, people may vow that next time they’ll be different. Anger control is a big issue between partners and between parents and children, not only because partners and children do things that make us angry, but also because we may think we have a greater right to let loose when they do. Try this one.

The Dilemma. Imagine you’re a nice, caring person—as you probably are—usually. You love your spouse and feel lucky to have them as your partner. But when they violate one of your rules, like letting the garbage overflow before taking it out, you feel personally betrayed and start criticizing. It begins with “I’ve told you a thousand times,” then moves on to “You never do anything right.” When they still don’t seem properly ashamed, you flare, insulting their intelligence (“Maybe you aren’t smart enough to remember garbage”) and their character (“If you weren’t so irresponsible, you wouldn’t …” “If you cared about anyone but yourself, you’d …”). Seething with rage, you then bring in everything you can think of to support your case: “My father never trusted you, either,” or “Your boss was right when he said you were limited.” Your spouse has to leave the premises to get out of range of your mounting fury.

The Fixed-Mindset Reaction. You feel righteous about your anger for a while, but then you realize you’ve gone too far. You suddenly recall all the ways that your spouse is a supportive partner and feel intensely guilty. Then you talk yourself back into the idea that you, too, are a good person, who’s just slipped up—lost it—temporarily. “I’ve really learned my lesson,” you think, “I’ll never do this again.”

But believing you can simply keep that good person in the forefront in the future, you don’t think of strategies you could use next time to prevent a flare-up. That’s why the next time is a carbon copy of the time before.

The Growth Mindset and Self-Control

Some people think about losing weight or controlling their anger in a growth-mindset way. They realize that to succeed, they’ll need to learn and practice strategies that work for them.

It’s like the growth-mindset chemistry students. They used better study techniques, carefully planned their study time, and kept up their motivation. In other words, they used every strategy possible to make sure they succeeded.

Just like them, people in a growth mindset don’t merely make New Year’s resolutions and wait to see if they stick to them. They understand that to diet, they need to plan. They may need to keep desserts out of the house. Or think in advance about what to order in restaurants. Or schedule a once-a-week splurge. Or consider exercising more.

They think actively about maintenance. What habits must they develop to continue the gains they’ve achieved?

Then there are the setbacks. They know that setbacks will happen. So instead of beating themselves up, they ask: “What can I learn from this? What will I do next time when I’m in this situation?” It’s a learning process—not a battle between the bad you and the good you.

In that last episode, what could you have done with your anger? First, think about why you got so worked up. You may have felt devalued and disrespected when your spouse shirked the tasks or broke your rules—as though they were saying to you, “You’re not important. Your needs are trivial. I can’t be bothered.”

Your first reaction was to angrily remind them of their duty. But on the heels of that was your retaliation, sort of “Okay big shot, if you think you’re so important, try this on for size.”

Your spouse, rather than reassuring you of your importance, simply braced for the onslaught. Meanwhile, you took the silence as evidence that they felt superior, and it fueled your escalation.

What can be done? Several things. First, spouses can’t read your mind, so when an anger-provoking situation arises, you have to matter-of-factly tell them how it makes you feel. “I’m not sure why, but when you do that, it makes me feel unimportant. Like you can’t be bothered to do things that matter to me.”

They, in turn, can reassure you that they care about how you feel and will try to be more watchful. (“Are you kidding?” you say. “My spouse would never do that.” Well, you can request it directly, as I’ve sometimes done: “Please tell me that you care how I feel and you’ll try to be more watchful.”)

When you feel yourself losing it, you can learn to leave the room and write down your ugliest thoughts, followed by what is probably really happening (“She doesn’t understand this is important