to me,” “He doesn’t know what to do when I start to blow”). When you feel calm enough, you can return to the situation.
You can also learn to loosen up on some of your rules, now that each one is not a test of your partner’s respect for you. With time, you might even gain a sense of humor about them. For example, if your spouse leaves some socks in the living room or puts the wrong things in the recycling bins, you might point at the offending items and ask sternly, “What is the meaning of this?” You might even have a good laugh.
When people drop the good–bad, strong–weak thinking that grows out of the fixed mindset, they’re better able to learn useful strategies that help with self-control. Every lapse doesn’t spell doom. It’s like anything else in the growth mindset. It’s a reminder that you’re an unfinished human being and a clue to how to do it better next time.
Whether people change their mindset in order to further their career, heal from a loss, help their children thrive, lose weight, or control their anger, change needs to be maintained. It’s amazing—once a problem improves, people often
But change doesn’t work that way. When you’ve lost weight, the issue doesn’t go away. Or when your child starts to love learning, the problem isn’t solved forever. Or when you and your partner start communicating better, that’s not the end of it. These changes have to be supported or they can go away faster than they appeared.
Maybe that’s why Alcoholics Anonymous tells people they will always be alcoholics—so they won’t become complacent and stop doing what they need to do to stay sober. medic2019;s a way of saying, “You’ll always be vulnerable.”
This is why mindset change is not about picking up a few tricks. In fact, if someone stays inside a fixed mindset and uses the growth strategies, it can backfire.
Wes, a dad with a fixed mindset, was at his wit’s end. He’d come home exhausted from work every evening and his son, Mickey, would refuse to cooperate. Wes wanted quiet, but Mickey was noisy. Wes would warn him, but Mickey would continue what he was doing. Wes found him stubborn, unruly, and not respectful of Wes’s rights as a father. The whole scene would disintegrate into a shouting match and Mickey would end up being punished.
Finally, feeling he had nothing to lose, Wes tried some of the growth-oriented strategies. He showed respect for Mickey’s efforts and praised his strategies when he was empathic or helpful. The turnaround in Mickey’s behavior was dramatic.
But as soon as the turnaround took place, Wes stopped using the strategies. He had what he wanted and he expected it to just continue. When it didn’t, he became even angrier and more punitive than before. Mickey had shown he
The same thing often happens with fixed-mindset couples who start communicating better. Marlene and Scott were what my husband and I call the Bickersons. All they did was bicker: “Why don’t you ever pick up after yourself?” “I might if you weren’t such a nag.” “I wouldn’t have to nag if you did what you were supposed to do.” “Who made
With counseling, Marlene and Scott stopped jumping on the negatives. More and more, they started rewarding the thoughtful things their partner did and the efforts their partner made. The love and tenderness they thought were dead returned. But once it returned, they reverted. In the fixed mindset, things shouldn’t need such effort. Good people should just act good and good relationships should just unfold in a good way.
When the bickering resumed, it was fiercer than ever because it reflected all of their disappointed hopes.
Mindset change is not about picking up a few pointers here and there. It’s about seeing things in a new way. When people—couples, coaches and athletes, managers and workers, parents and children, teachers and students—change to a growth mindset, they change from a
Every day presents you with ways to grow and to help the people you care about grow. How can you remember to look for these chances?
First, make a copy of this graphic summary of the two mindsets, which was created by the wonderful Nigel Holmes, and tape it to your mirror. Each morning, use it to remind yourself of the differences between the fixed and growth mindsets. Then, as you contemplate the day in front of you, try to ask yourself these questions. If you have room on your mirror, copy them over and tape them there, too.
As you think of opportunities, form a plan, and ask:
As you encounter the inevitable obstacles and setbacks, form a new plan and ask yourself the question again:
Regardless of how bad you may feel, do it!
And when you succeed, don’t forget to ask yourself:
Remember, as Alex Rodriguez, the great baseball player, said: “You either go one way or the other.” You might as well be the one deciding the direction.
Change can be tough, but I’ve never heard anyone say it wasn’t worth it. Maybe they’re just rationalizing, the way people who’ve gone through a painful initiation say it was worth it. But people who’ve changed can tell you how their lives have been enhanced. They can tell you about things they have now that they wouldn’t have had, and ways they feel now that they wouldn’t have felt.
Did changing to a growth mindset solve all my problems? No. But I know that I have a different life because of it—a richer one. And that I’m a more alive, courageous, and open person because of it.
It’s for you to decide whether change is right for you now. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But either way, keep the growth mindset in your thoughts. Then, when you bump up against obstacles, you can turn to it. It will always be there for you, showing you a path into the future.
Beck, Aaron T.
Beck, Judith S.
Bennis, Warren.
Binet, Alfred (Suzanne Heisler, trans.).
Bloom, Benjamin S.
