to sync up with your demand that he be faithful. He's not going to rub it in your face, and he's going to do everything he can to preserve what he has with you, but he's still going to have a little something on the side. Really, it's got nothing to do with you.
I have a friend who's successful, has plenty of money, a beautiful family the ideal life. And one evening while we were sitting around with a few of our friends shooting the breeze about how satis.ed we are with our stations in life, my boy announced with a slick grin, I love my wife, man, but I got this cold one on the side. We were surprised don't get me wrong. But we accepted that from him because we all know that this man hasn't got his priorities right yet, and there's nothing we can do or say to make him do it. He knows that once he's stepped out on his wife, he's putting something else before God and family. But only he can put his house in order. Now, if he's young, that might come with mental maturity; the old-timers say all the time that experience is priceless too bad you have to pay for it with your youth. Of course, maturity and age go hand in hand, but circumstances bring it about, too: if a man is a spiritual person and he's got a relationship with God, he'll mature much more quickly, just because his beliefs will hold him to a much more stringent moral code. And that moral code will automatically make him put family second, because this is what a relationship with God demands. Now, he'll make it a priority to.nd a woman who completes his life, someone who can be the mother of his children who can make his unit complete.
Sometimes men wise up without God in their lives. I have a buddy who had all kinds of women doing all kinds of things to him and for him, and he.nally got into a position where he said, Man, I got all these women and I can get them to do all these things and give me all these things, but I'm not happy. I don't have any peace and I just don't feel like I have my life together. And right then and there, he made the decision to stop treating women the way he'd been treating them and get what he was.nally yearning for: a family. His philandering stopped cold. He's not saved. He didn't have some big revelation with God, he didn't get called to the ministry. He just decided he needed to do something different to.nd the joy in his life, and the only way he could.nd that was with someone, and only one someone, special.
When a man.nds that joy the chances of his cheating get really slim. Unless…
That's right, I said it: it could have something to do with you. Your man may be walking around telling himself that your relationship just doesn't have that spark anymore, that you don't turn him on like you used to that you don't come on to him like you did when the two of you.rst fell in love. You know how it goes: the two of you get comfortable with each other, settle in, have some babies, buy a house, and then get bogged down in the bills and raising the kids and going to work and keeping up with the rat race that comes when you're a family trying to make it. The next thing he knows, the woman who used to wear and do little things to keep it hot and spicy isn't interested in doing that little thing she did when the two of them.rst got together. In fact, the sex has become uninspired; she's coming in from work, where she was dressed up in her nice skirt and heels and makeup and such, and she's breaking down before she can get to the door good. And now, after a long day at work, and even more work when she gets home, she's coming to bed in a head scarf and a T-shirt and is this close to hiring a.ring squad to take you out for even looking at her with those bedroom eyes.
In other words, what's back at the house has become hohum routine. And this man is missing the spark that used to be there. You've changed. (He knows he's changed, too, but we're not talking about him, we're talking about you.) Perhaps that comes, too, with a feeling that you don't appreciate him like you used to. The thank-yous come less frequently, there's a lot of arguing going on turmoil seems to get up with you in the morning and cuddle up with the two of you at night. And your home just isn't feeling like what he signed up for. And if he can't get what he signed up for back at the house, he's more likely to go out and.nd it somewhere else, because guess what? He knows he can always go.nd it somewhere else, particularly since…
That's the truth that no woman wants to face. Imagine if every woman said, You're married I can't do that with you. Man, do you know how many marriages and relationships would still exist today? Men can cheat because there are so many women willing to give themselves to a man who doesn't belong to them. Sure, every now and again there are women who get fooled and don't know that a man is already spoken for. A majority of the time, however, these women know they're sleeping with a married man. Yes, these are the women who have no standards and requirements and who suffer from serious selfesteem issues, making themselves willing to cheat and available to be cheated on. If those women took themselves out of the cheater's circle, the incidence of cheating would be cut seriously down. And the way to get out of that cheater's circle is to do exactly what I'm teaching you to do in this book:.gure out your standards and requirements, explain them, and stick to them (Chapter 9), get to really know the man by asking.ve essential questions you'll need to know to move a relationship forward (see Chapter 10), and follow the Ninety-Day Rule (see Chapter 11). And then teach all of this to your daughters, too. If we don't, after all, break that cycle, the cheating will continue.
So, ladies, the reasons I've given here are the primary reasons men cheat, but trust me, there are many, many more. A man is always going to have a reason to justify why he's doing wrong, and those reasons will change from man to man and woman to woman. What's important for you to understand, though, is that regardless of a man's reasons, he knows what you know: it's wrong to commit to someone and promise to remain faithful and then go against that especially if this was one of your mate's requirements. Women can go over it again and again in their minds,.nding all kinds of de.ciencies in themselves I didn't do this right, I wasn't good enough, I didn't love him the way I should, she came in here and outperformed me but the fact still remains that he didn't have any business cheating. So women need to release themselves from the blame of a cheating man's actions just do that for yourselves. Because holding on to that baggage can be paralyzing; it can cripple you and keep you from performing in your next encounter. You simply cannot drive forward if you're focused on what's happening in the rearview mirror.
You can, however, limit the amount of times you're cheated on again. You do that by upping the ante on your requirements. See, you have a lot more power to limit the things that happen to you you've got the power of persuasion, your power of intuition, your power of suggestion, standards to help keep you protected. If you let a man know up front that you'll tolerate a lot of things but cheating is not one of them, then he's really clear on the fact that if he steps out of the union, he stays out of the union. And if he breaks that promise and steps out anyway? You've got to be prepared to let him go and walk away. You can't.nd out your man cheated, confront him about it, and then stay with him, only to question his every move and nag him about what he's doing every chance you get. Because that simply means you never really forgave him, and you're creating a situation that's ripe for him to cheat again. You've got to either let him go, or.nd it in your heart to truly forgive the man and work on a way to move forward with him.
Now sometimes, it takes a man to lose something or nearly lose something to really appreciate it. But isn't that true of everybody? Some men cheat because there's never been a penalty for it. But if a man who's cheated on you sees you walking out the door and you matter to him, please know that at this point he's very vulnerable and open to learning. Should he win you back, he's going to straighten up and.y right because he's almost lost his girl and his family, which means he'll do most anything you tell him to get back into your good graces. He's going to work to earn your trust back follow your requirements to get back on the team. If that means he has to be home by a certain time, call when he's going to be late, send.owers every week,.nd a sitter so you all can have a date night on Thursdays, go to church with you on Sundays, even sit on a psychologist's couch and air out all of your dirty laundry until you're satis.ed he's a changed man, then that's what he'll do.
Once there's a penalty and he's forced to say to himself, Wow, everything I've ever loved was about to be lost, he may very well come through the.re a better man.
Is that to say it's going to be easy to forgive him and not be suspicious? No. But he may eventually earn your trust back and be willing to work through it with you. He's not going to like being asked questions about where he's been, he's going to hate not being able to be intimate with you while you work through your anger, and he's going to be really reluctant to carry his butt down to the psychologist's of.ce with you. But in his heart of hearts, he knows that's a part of working his way back into your heart. He knows he created this he knows what he did, and he understands the consequences, rami.cations, and repercussions way better than you think he does. We understand penalties, and we know it's going to be straight hell. Trust me, I know. Because it's happened to me. It happens to a lot of men. You can't be a man of power and not step outside your house. I don't know one man of power who has not stepped outside his house. Such a man may exist but I have not met him. But I do know men of power who have learned to do right, go home, and take care of their families. Each one of them eventually gets to that. I certainly have; now, I carry my behind home. I had to come to this, though. And guess what? I know a lot of those same men entertainers, ball players, executives, and so on who have turned into some of the best husbands and fathers in the world, because they've lined up their life responsibilities in the right order: God, family, education, and
