me figure out a better way to understand these math problems.” When you’re at the hairdresser or getting yourself a manicure or a massage, you’re striking a deal: “Get my hair to look like Halle Berry’s or Meg Ryan’s and I’ll give you a nice, fat tip and pass out a stack of your business cards to every woman I know!”
See, we strike deals all the time-in every little thing we do-with the hope that each partner will leave reasonably satisfied. Why not bring that into your relationship?
We know most of you don’t want to have sex every night and that all the roles you play during the course of the day-employee, wife, homemaker, caretaker, friend, volunteer, chief boo-boo kisser-wear you out. You all know we don’t want to change diapers and do dishes and read bedtime stories and do everything your way. But in the most successful of unions, partners are willing to change and shift and do things they don’t necessarily want to do in order to work toward the greater good of the relationship.
For some of you the approach to a deal is a piece of cake. You are the very picture of diplomacy. But some of you have never been called subtle in your life. Start off the conversation in a way that doesn’t put your man on the defensive. You don’t want to start the conversation with him thinking he’s about to be accused of falling down on the job. No guy is going to want to wheel and deal with you if he feels as if he’s having a foot inserted into his behind. You know the saying “It’s easier to catch bees with honey”? Well, nothing could be more true than when a woman is trying to negotiate with her man; no man wants to be blindsided by accusations about what he is and isn’t doing. Besides, doing that will only make him fight or flee. Instead, kick off your talk by flipping it on him: ask him what it is that you could be doing more of to help him. Let him know that you’re happy he’s your man and that you’re his woman, but admit that you’re not perfect and know you could be doing things that would make him happier. I know, I know-you
And then blow his mind: tell him you agree that he should have more-more time to himself, more time with his boys, more time in the bedroom with you-and that you’re willing to give him all those things if he agrees to do a few things for you. Now, you’ll have his undivided attention because he’s going to smell “payoff.” That’s when you can lay on him what you need. Maybe you’d be happier if you had a little more time to yourself, or maybe you need more help with the kids or the housework. Maybe you want him to be better about helping with the morning routine, or being more proactive when it comes to planning and taking you out for date nights. Whatever it is you need, come prepared to talk about it in a nonjudgmental way.
Once he’s given his list and you’ve given yours, you’ve made the exchange. Now, both of you are clear about what you can offer in order to get some of what each of you need-the compromise you’ll be willing to make. That’s when you strike the deal.
Marjorie and I practice this even when we’re on vacation. Just this past spring, we went to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico, just the two of us, so that we could get in some quality time together. But we made very clear to each other that we needed some much-needed me-time, too. Though she can’t stand the smell of them, Marjorie knows how much I enjoy a good cigar; it relaxes me like nothing else can. I pull the cigar smoke into my mouth and hold it right there while I breathe in and out, careful not to let the smoke go down into my lungs. And then I blow it out and take another puff. If it’s a fine cigar-one that’s not bitter, that has a smooth taste-I’m satisfied, happy. Knowing this, Marjorie kept my cigars ordered and made sure that I had plenty on hand so that I could be fully relaxed. In exchange, I made sure she had strawberries and her favorite drink replenished every time she got low, because that fruit and drink relaxed her. We both made a deal, too, to give each other space; she gave me the okay to go golfing, and in exchange, I let her spend a day by herself at the spa. When we came back together our time was enhanced, electric. In other words, we had the conversation, we made the exchange, we struck the deals, and we saw big-time results in our relationship.
You don’t have to go to Cabo, order up expensive cigars, or keep fancy drinks flowing to get what you need from your man. All you have to do is practice the art of the deal, negotiate diplomatically. Take some cues from these specific discussions to help kick off some important deals of your own.
EXAMPLE #1
THE CONVERSATION: You know honey, I get that you’re not a fan of reading bedtime stories to the kids and tucking them in. After a long day of doing so much for everyone else-dealing with the boss, taking that long ride home, running to the grocery store to pick up the milk-it’s hard to come home and do anything but fall into the most comfortable chair you can find and zone out. I totally get that. At the same time, I wish there were a way for me to take a quiet bath in the evening, even if it’s just for a couple nights during the week, just so that I could unwind from my long days at work, the commute, dinner prep, and homework assistance.
THE EXCHANGE: If you take over the bedtime routine with the kids for two nights a week-get them into their pajamas, read them a story, and tuck them into bed-I can run some bathwater and light some candles and have myself a glass of wine and relax. I can do the same for you on the other nights when you come in from work, so that you can enjoy some quiet time by yourself before you turn in for the evening.
THE DEAL: The more time I get to unwind and relax and get in some quiet time without having to get the kids down, the higher the chances that I’ll be in the mood to spend some quality time with you.
THE RESULT: You’ll get a break from the kids; your husband will get more cookie.
EXAMPLE #2
THE CONVERSATION: Babe, we spend an awful lot of time with each other yet when we have time with our friends, we come back renewed from that time and look forward to each other’s company. Wouldn’t it be nice if we got to bond with the other people in our lives that we love? You know the saying: Absence makes the heart grown fonder.
THE EXCHANGE: If you let me go out with my girls on one Friday night out of the month, I’ll let you hang with your boys one Saturday night out of the month, and on Sundays, we can spend quality time together-just me and you.
THE DEAL: The more time each of us gets to spend bonding with our friends and finding some joy away from each other, the more we’ll be able to connect when we come back together again.
THE RESULT: The two of you will ultimately enjoy spending time together.
EXAMPLE #3
THE CONVERSATION: You know, we spend so much of our money on bills and the mortgage and the car notes and all the other things we have to pay to keep our lives running, we don’t have anything left over for ourselves. Wouldn’t it be nice to enjoy the fruits of our labor every once in a while?
THE EXCHANGE: If I focus on paying off one of our credit cards, and you take your lunch to work more often and take the train to the city instead of driving our gas guzzler to work, we could save a good three hundred dollars a month in food expenses and credit card bill interest.
THE DEAL: We can divvy up the savings-a quarter of it you can spend the way you see fit; a quarter of it I can spend on anything I want, and we can save the rest to get something special for the two of us.
THE RESULT: Both of you get a little extra spending money in your separate accounts, and get to work together toward a mutual goal.
See? Everybody wins. Keep this one thing in mind, though: you can’t strike the deal and renege. We men are sticklers for the “but you said you would” demands, so you cannot walk away having gotten what you wanted without giving him what he wants. Of course, the same is true for us men. In order for the deal to work, both parties have to hold up their end of the bargain; there must be accountability. This is where your standards and requirements-the ones I wrote about in
