Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

feeling before you learned to negotiate.

You deserve better.

For Ladies Only…

Using the Art of the Deal to Maintain Standards and Requirements in a Relationship

In the beginning of your relationship, you weren’t passing out the cookie to a man who wasn’t treating you right; you gave it to him based on his meeting your standards and requirements and doing nice things for you. But as you get deeper into the relationship, your man will slowly pull back on the tactics, treats, and attention he used to win you over. It’s just what we do; capturing you was hard work and once we have you, we get comfortable putting in less work on the romantic side of things because we’re busy providing for and protecting you and we soon find out that even if we don’t break a sweat meeting your standards and requirements in the bedroom, you don’t usually complain. You give based on your emotions, not your mate’s actions. And so he chills. He’s not rubbing your feet anymore and he hasn’t licked your back since 1979, but he’s still over there requiring you give him your all-and that leads to frustration, chiefly, yours.

How do you get him back on board? Talk. Men are not mind readers, and we will continue on as is if you don’t tap us on the shoulder and make clear what you want-just like you did when we first approached you. You simply cannot afford to let your guard down if you want to be happy. Open the conversation with a compliment; tell him in a sexy, sly way that you appreciate what he’s doing-holding down the family, bringing home the bacon, being a strong man for you and yours. But then toss in the honesty: tell him you really miss the things he used to do to you that drove you up and down the wall. Reminisce a little-remind him of that time you swung from the chandeliers, and the time you arrived home to rose petals on the bed, and the hot times you used to have in the hotel during your quick, romantic getaways. I promise you, he will be all ears during this conversation. Getting good cookie, after all, is our favorite subject. We hear, “Hmm-she’s talking about me driving her up the wall-it must be about to happen this evening. Yes!” And he’ll start thinking about what he can do to make you feel that way again.

Seal the deal by telling him what you would love to show him in exchange for getting some of that spark back. Now, he’s saying to himself, “If I do this, I’ll get that. Where do I sign?” It’s the reward system-works every time, even in the romance side of your life. You can’t walk into this thing saying, “You don’t hold me anymore, you don’t look at me like you did before!” because what you’ll get back is, “Oh yeah? Well, you’re only half cooking, you haven’t worn a thong in twenty years, and all your underwear has lint balls on it. Who wants a part of that?”

This is my way of saying, use your feminine wiles in a way that benefits you, even after you’ve got him.

Part IV. Questions and Commandments

Ask Steve More Quick Answers to the Burning Questions You’ve Always Wanted to Ask

When Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man was published, I traveled all across the country talking to women about the ways of men, and at each event, I invited my audience to submit the burning questions they have about the opposite sex. Here, I give quick and candid answers to the queries that repeatedly found their way into the mix.

1. DO MEN BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

SH: Yes, we do believe in love at first sight, but it’s based purely on the sight. We’re just in love with what we see initially. But that love can easily go away-you can start out winning and slowly lose this guy once he gets to know you. He may decide in his mind you don’t sound like you look, you don’t think like you look, you don’t act like you look, and you don’t have what you look like you have. That’s what kills the romance. False advertisement. And sometimes, we just change our minds about it, and it’s no fault of your own.

2. WHAT ARE THE TOP TEN PLACES TO MEET MEN?

SH: I can’t tell you that because there is no one set place. You can meet a man anywhere. I knew a man who married the woman he rear-ended in a car accident. I know another man who married his divorce lawyer. Another one of my friends remarried his first wife, and another one married the woman his son was dating. You can meet and fall in love with anyone anywhere, and it’s ridiculous to limit yourself to a few places. This is why I say in the “Presentation Is Everything” chapter that you have to be prepared; if you’re going to the ice cream store, the Laundromat, the hospital, the park, the gym, there might be a man there just for you. Be open to anything, anywhere.

3. IS IT A TURNOFF FOR MEN TO DATE DIVORCED WOMEN?

SH: No. Nothing is a turnoff if we’re attracted to you. No matter what, if he likes you, he’s going to approach you and see where the encounter leads.

4. WHAT DO MEN NEED AFTER MARRIAGE TO STAY SEXUALLY INTERESTED?

SH: We need variety and spontaneity. There isn’t a guy living who doesn’t like that. If you don’t know this about your man, it’s because he hasn’t told you yet. But keep doing the same thing and you’ll see how that affects your love life. Wouldn’t you be bored if, after years of being together, your man was still bringing the same flowers and playing the same songs and saying the same things he brought, played, and said when he first met you? Wouldn’t you just love it if, out of the blue, he did something different and special for you? Well, men are no different. If you want to get him sexually interested, toss a sombrero, some high heels, and roses on the nightstand and scribble the words, “Anywhere, Anytime” on a piece of paper. That’ll get him interested, I promise you that. Meet him in the garage and get something going before he even gets out of his car. Get in some loving in a store’s dressing room. Just be different. He’ll respond every time.

5. WHEN A MAN SAYS “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME” OR “I’M NOT READY FOR YOU” AS AN EXCUSE FOR BREAKING OFF A RELATIONSHIP, IS HE JUST SPORT FISHING?

SH: Not necessarily. Sometimes a guy is being honest. Sometimes he’s not willing or simply cannot give you what you want, and honorable guys will tell women that. If he says, “I’m not for you, you deserve better,” take his words as a blessing. Some women stay there, trying to force the issue, or continue to invest in a man who’s clearly told her he’s not ready for a serious relationship. Obviously, you can’t be committed to making the relationship work by yourself. So be smart about it: thank him, tell him you appreciate his honesty, and go on about your business.

6. FOR SINGLE MOTHERS RAISING BOYS, WHAT IS THE NUMBER ONE THING WE CAN TEACH THEM TO HELP THEM FORM HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

SH: Avoid sharing with your young sons the reasons you and your man aren’t together. Doing this accomplishes little more than dumping information onto a person who is too young to process it. Instead, talk to him constantly about how you like to be treated-what makes you feel good as a woman and a mother. He’ll remember that you like to have doors opened for you, chairs pulled out, a person who listens respectfully when you’re talking, and who tells the truth when he’s asked questions-all things big and small that he’ll need to remember and practice when he gets into his own relationships with women. The best thing you can do for your sons, though, is get them strong male role models they can emulate-men who can supplement the incredible job single moms everywhere are doing with their boys.

7. WHY DO MEN CONTINUE TO LIE, EVEN AFTER THEY’VE BEEN CAUGHT AND CONFRONTED, AND ESPECIALLY WHEN THE TRUTH WILL DO?

SH: Because we know the truth will absolutely not do anything for us except get us deeper into trouble and hurt your feelings more. What you need to understand is that sometimes that lie, that withholding of all the information, is his way of protecting you from getting more mad, scornful, and resentful than you already are when you suspect we’ve done something wrong. Our lie, in effect, is really about damage control; we’re not giving the whole truth because doing so would add more fuel to the fire. You’re already fired up with the information you have. It doesn’t make sense to give you more information. No man is going to do that. Feel how you want to feel about it, but really, he’s trying to have some decency about his mess. You may know about three indiscretions, but do you think he’s really going to disclose to you that there were thirty more? No way. Because your response will only intensify. We’re sparing your feelings and keeping ourselves out of deeper