trouble.
8. WHY DO MEN STOP CALLING WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION FOR WHY THEY’RE NOT COMMUNICATING ANYMORE?
SH: Because we’re done. You need closure, but men don’t; we just need it to be over. We don’t need to know why it didn’t work, we don’t want to consider trying it again; we don’t question the rationale behind our decision. We didn’t like talking while we were together; we’re not about to become the Great Communicator now that we’ve broken up. So women would do themselves well to let it go. It’s over-move on.
9. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMFORTABLE SHOWING THEIR FEELINGS?
SH: Because from boyhood through our journey to manhood, we were never taught to express our feelings. Our parents, our extended families, our teachers, our friends-everyone tells boys not to emote like girls, to be men, to stop all that crying. We are raised to hold in and hide our emotions. And so we learn to be silent and keep our emotions in check. Once we get into a relationship with a woman we’re deficient in the art of communicating with women because we’ve never been expressive in our lives. Women learn and express themselves differently; you get to walk together with your girls arm in arm, you dance together at the club, you hug each other, touch each other’s faces while you’re talking. We’re not touching any man’s face or kissing him on the cheek. We are taught the exact opposite all our lives and we grow comfortable with it. And honestly, I don’t think you need to break that pattern with your man. You can’t sit around the house crying with your man. You know as well as I do that the moment he started bawling, you’d be on the phone with your girls, saying, “This man is crying harder than I am!” You want your man to be a man and we can’t be touchy-feely with our emotions when we’re charged with manning up for the family. It’s a skill set you need your man to have.
10. HOW DO I GET MY MAN TO BE MORE SPONTANEOUS?
SH: By giving him a reason to be spontaneous. It’s very simple: if there is a reward in it, we’ll do it. This is nothing new. When we’re good students, we want the gold star; when we’re in a race, we want a gold medal; when we get a promotion, we want a raise. Why in the world would we give up the reward system in a relationship? As I wrote in the Chapter 12, “The Art of the Deal,” if you make a promise in exchange for that spontaneity, we’ll give you spontaneity all damn day. And know that there is only one payoff: we don’t want a pack of socks or underwear or a hand-drawn bath full of rose petals or a cash advance. All we want is some cookie. Give that to us and you’re golden.
11. DO MEN PREFER SEX WITH NEW PARTNERS OVER SEX WITH WOMEN WITH WHOM THEY’VE HAD A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP?
SH: We can get new sex from the woman with whom we’re in a long-term relationship. Variety is the spice of life. Take that short answer and pack it wherever you want to pack it.
12. WHY DON’T MEN LIKE PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION-HOLDING HANDS, KISSING, AND SO ON?
SH: That’s not true at all. I hold my wife’s hand everywhere I go and kiss her in restaurants all the time. If your man doesn’t want to do that, maybe he doesn’t like holding
13. IF A MAN BRINGS ME AROUND HIS FRIENDS, DOES THAT MEAN HE’S REALLY INTO ME?
SH: It could be, but it’s a sure sign that he’s not into you if you don’t ever get around his friends. If he’s not proud of you or wants to keep what he has with you under wraps, he won’t ever bring you around his boys.
14. WHAT MAKES MEN HAPPY?
SH: Cookie.
15. WHAT IS A MAN’S IDEA OF A GOOD WOMAN?
SH: Well, it varies from man to man. Some men want a woman who is working and contributing financially to the relationship. Some men want women to stay home and raise the family. Some men want someone who is stunning and supersmart. But at the end of the day, we all want and need the same thing out of our woman, no matter how much she’s willing to contribute to the bank account, do around the house, or dress up to make herself look superattractive: men have to have a woman who is loyal, supportive, and willing to give us cookie on a regular basis. If you’re missing any one of those things, then you’re not going to be a good woman for any man.
16. WHAT ARE THE TOP THINGS MEN LOOK FOR TO DETERMINE IF YOU’RE MARRIAGE MATERIAL?
SH: First, let me put this out there: you’re never going to be marriage material to everybody. Please take that pressure off yourself. You’re only going to be marriage material to the man who is looking for you. If you are fulfilling his requirements, you become marriage material. But if that guy isn’t looking to you for a long-term relationship, it doesn’t matter how much cooking and cleaning you do, how good the sex is, or how much intelligence, money, and know-how you bring to the table, he’s not going to propose. I can tell you that the women who are marriage material all have one thing in common, though: they all require that they be married. I don’t know a single woman who just surprisingly got married-like, “Oh, how did this happen?” The way and day he proposes may be a surprise, but you knew the day would come because you made it a requirement.
17. WHY DO MEN BECOME SUCH A BORE AFTER MARRIAGE?
SH: Often it’s because you have started accepting the same old thing, and so he has no reason to do anything exciting anymore. Put that reward system in place and you’ll get all manner of excitement pumped back into your relationship. Want to go out to dinner more? Say so. Want to go to more concerts or long walks in the park? Tell him. Then reward him when he does these things for you.
18. ARE MEN TURNED OFF BY A WOMAN WHO SPENDS A LOT OF TIME PURSUING HER CAREER AND FOCUSING ON HER KIDS?
SH: No, they are not. And you should never stop pushing yourself or taking proper care of your kids to please any man. If you’re going to work to take care of your bills and you are involved in your kids’ education and extracurricular activities, if you’re working hard to build a good life for them, why, it would be irrational to stop doing these things for a man’s benefit. That’s just foolish. A real man who meets an attractive woman who isn’t doing these things will want nothing to do with her. And you should reject any man who has a problem with you doing what you’re supposed to do to take care of yourself and your family.
19. HOW DO MEN FEEL ABOUT ONLINE DATING?
SH: It depends on the man, just like it does the woman. But it’s really starting to be nearly unavoidable because technology is such a valuable and pervasive tool in people’s lives. I believe you can save yourselves a lot of time and pain if you get online and talk to a guy before you meet him in person; you can learn a lot before you waste your time with time-consuming dates. And don’t underestimate the power of Google and sites like Free ID Search. All of these, in conjunction with online dating, are smart ways to connect with the opposite sex and really get to know whom you’re dealing with before you meet them in person.
20. WHAT ARE SOME GOOD TIPS FOR FINDING LOVE ONLINE? DO THE SAME RULES APPLY?
SH: The rules are the same. You have to take your time, you have to get to know a person, you have to ask the right questions, you have to dig until you know the truth, and you have to be careful. And, most important, you have to remember that it’s not what they say, it’s what they do, even if it’s online.
21. DO MEN THINK IT’S ACCEPTABLE TO DATE THEIR FRIEND’S EX?
SH: Most men consider this taboo. Does it happen? Sure. But most men know this is a line you don’t want to cross with a true friend because, in our eyes, you will always be his girl and we don’t ever start something with our friend’s woman. You’re virtually guaranteed to get your feelings hurt when you do that.
22. HOW DO MEN FEEL ABOUT LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS? DO THEY WORK FOR MEN?
SH: They can work if the man wants to make it work. The number one challenge is trust: Is he who he really says he is and is he doing what he says he’s doing? There’s not a whole lot of ways to check up on that. What the two of you have to do is determine if you can work on coming together and, in the meantime, set
