standards and rules that will work for both of you. But be clear: there aren’t a lot of ways to check up on him when he’s not living near you. Don’t be naive about it: Is he sitting around twiddling his thumbs, waiting for the next time he sees you? Or is someone providing him a bit of satisfaction while he waits for you?
23. HOW DO MEN GET OVER GETTING HURT IN RELATIONSHIPS?
SH: For the most part, we move on. We go get somebody else. Are we scarred? Sure, but we’ll go forward, scarred, beat up, teeth cracked, bones broken. We have a moment of pause, a moment of regret, and then we get over it the best way we know how: by finding someone else. We understand very clearly that the best way to get over the last relationship is to start something cracking with someone new. We understand that life goes on.
24. DOES AGE REALLY MATTER TO MEN?
SH: If it’s a guy who’s younger debating about whether he should see an older woman, age matters. We’re trying to determine what she’s going to look like in ten years, what we’ll be able to enjoy together, and if she’s going to age well. In reverse, age really matters, as well. Once you’re a grown adult male, you’re conscious about how young a woman is. If a man has his act together and is mature, he’s not looking for someone to raise. He wants someone who is already grown. Really, though, the difference in age range that a man finds acceptable is really up to him.
25. HOW DO MEN FEEL ABOUT WOMEN GOING THROUGH THEIR PHONES AND USING OTHER INVESTIGATIVE TACTICS TO FIGURE OUT IF THEIR MAN IS BEING TRUE?
SH: Your man will hate you.
26. IF A MAN TELLS YOU HE NEEDS A “BREAK,” DOES THAT MEAN YOU’RE BROKEN UP FOR GOOD?
SH: That’s the biggest warning sign a man can give. When you hear that, wave the white flag, grab the kids, and get to your mama’s house because what he’s just done is broken it to you softly. He’s telling you he’s going to stop calling you, he doesn’t want to see you, and he’s taking a break from sex-with you. He’s tired of you. That’s the warning shot that the end is here-that he’s going on with his life. And you should too.
27. HOW DO GUYS FEEL ABOUT “HINTS” FROM WOMEN WHO ARE ATTRACTED TO THEM?
SH: We’re cool with the hints and with direct flirting, too. The only time we don’t like it is when we’re not interested.
28. DO MEN TREAT FRIENDS WHO BECOME LOVE INTERESTS THE SAME WAY AS THEY DO STRANGERS WHO BECOME LOVE INTERESTS?
SH: Look, the only reason you were friends in the first place was because he didn’t think there was any chance of your relationship developing romantically. Know that he’s been eyeballing you from day one; no man is looking to be just a friend. He wanted you from the start. He settled for friendship because he didn’t think you would have him otherwise. The moment you let him be more than that, a line has been crossed and all bets are off if it doesn’t work out between the two of you-unless, of course, you both agree that it’s better for the two of you to go back to being friends. But it won’t be easy to go back to that space once you cross the line and become lovers.
29. ARE MEN INFLUENCED BY FRIENDS WHEN IT COMES TO COMMITMENT?
SH: Yes, absolutely. If you’re a guy in a serious relationship and all your friends are single, wilding out, and sport fishing (see the glossary), when you hang out with them, association brings on participation. After a while, it’s hard to behave. But this works in reverse, too: if all your friends are in committed relationships and you’re the one wilding out, you at least try not to do wrong when you’re with them. That’s the case with my circle of friends: my four buddies I travel with are committed in their relationships and the single men who play around know that when they come around us, they have to shut down or hide the craziness.
30. DO MEN LIKE ROMANCE? WHAT DO THEY FIND ROMANTIC?
SH: Yes, men like romance and men will continue to be romantic once it’s required of them. Just know, though, that romance for us usually means it’s going to lead to something. I’m sorry-that’s the way we think. We have to be reminded, sometimes, that cuddling is just that, cuddling. When a woman is romancing a man, we’re always going to think, “Okay, here’s another shot at getting some cookie.” Sometimes we get it, sometimes we don’t, but we’re working on a different mechanism, here. We’re thinking: “She’s being romantic for a reason.” Is that right or fair? No. But that’s the way we think. So be romantic at your own peril.
31. CAN MEN CONTINUE TO BE FRIENDS WITH AN EX WITHOUT BEING SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HER?
SH: Yes, we can be just friends with her. Most divorces end up kind of rough, and there’s often genuine hatred between the two. But we can move past the hate and be cordial with the ex and not be sexually attracted to her, for sure. If the ex is someone we dated, however, it can be a little more tricky, especially if a man is in a committed relationship. Under those circumstances, I don’t recommend being friends with the ex. No one erases all the memories, so hanging around someone with whom you’ve been intimate can be akin to playing with fire. You know what men are after, and you know if a man has had it once before, it’s hard for him to walk away from it if it’s being offered again. I’m not suggesting that men don’t have the willpower to be faithful, but I do think it’s just better for everyone involved to keep the distance.
32. DO MEN GET AS BOTHERED AS WOMEN DO WHEN WE FORGET BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, AND SO ON?
SH: We won’t let our displeasure be seen, but when important moments are forgotten, we do get hurt. We want to be celebrated just as you do.
33. IF A MAN TEXTS YOU CONSISTENTLY, DOES THAT MEAN HE’S INTO YOU?
SH: It means nothing. That same text can be sent to a bunch of women at the same time and he can forward it to a half dozen more. A man shows he’s “into” you by communicating with you in traditional ways-via a phone call, an in-person talk, a date. Text messages don’t cut it. Men who are interested in you want to be in your space, see your face.
34. WHY ARE MEN SO PICKY?
SH: Aren’t you picky when it comes to men? See, here’s what we’re not about to do: we’re not changing our standards. The moment you’re not keeping it up, the moment you’re not pulling your weight, the moment you don’t fit into what we’re looking for, we’re pulling up stakes. We want what we want and we’re not going to “settle” for a wife. You all would do well to take a page from men and stop compromising your standards and get exactly what you want in the man you deserve as well.
For the Men… Ten Commandments to Pleasing a Woman
Make the time for her to be able to take a class or pursue a hobby that she’s been putting off because she’s too busy with work and the kids to spend quality time doing something she loves.
Rub her back and feet, run her bathwater and give her quality “alone time,” without obligation to give you some cookie for your troubles.
Love notes go a long way. Slip one in her wallet, briefcase, or lunch bag just because; she’ll appreciate that you were thinking about her and told her you love her without prompting.
Wash the dishes, do a load of laundry, clean the bathroom, or do some other chore she usually handles. If you can’t or don’t want to handle it yourself, hire someone to do it for you. That’ll be one less thing she’ll have to do, and she’ll be grateful for the help.
