Looks like your parents are on their own when it comes to your changing brain and independent streak. Letting go of their little girl, deciding safe boundaries and giving up some control when it comes to safety, friends and your whereabouts isn’t always easy. And it’s different for everyone.
For some parents it’s an easy task. For others it’s torture. Some parents are happy that they don’t have to watch you constantly anymore. Some might even give you more independence than you want. Lots of parents have already gone through this with older siblings and “know the ropes.” Others are anxious first-timers. And some parents may never give up treating you like a six-year-old.
Parents with Style
The way your parents handle these changes will depend a lot on their “parenting style.” “Style?” you say. “My parents have no style.” Ahh . . . you may be right, but we’re not talking high fashion, clever conversation or cool cars. We’re talking about the ways they discipline you, treat your friends and talk to you.
So what is your parents’ parenting style? Take this quiz, and we’ll help you figure it out.
Check your parents’ typical response:
Scene 1: A really cute guy invites you to a party at his house. You don’t know him very well, but he hangs out with a bunch of popular boys who seem pretty nice. You ask your parents if you can go to the party with your best friend. Your parents respond with:
A. Wow, he sounds cute! Go get ’em, girl!
C. Who’s having it? Where will it be? Will there be alcohol?Will there be chaperones? Who else will be there? What’s his phone number so I can call to make sure his parents will be there?
Scene 2: Your best friend, who is usually very nice and innocent, comes over to go to the movies with you. She brings along some clothes for you to borrow, and you end up wearing her very short, very tight, very low-rise jean skirt and a shirt that is quite sheer. Your parents take one look at you and say:
A. Hot outfit! Girl, you look good!
C. I don’t think your outfit is sending the right message to people about the type of girl that you are. If you are trying to look older, your red shirt and your own skirt might do a better job.
Scene 3: You and your boyfriend are going to a school football game. After the game, you want to invite him back to your house to hang out until his curfew. Your parents say . . .
A. Great! We’ll be out, but we’ll leave the door open for you.
C. What time should we expect you? We’ll be out, but we’ll make sure to be home before you are.
Scene 4: Your friends are over jumping on your trampoline. You all start jammin’ to some loud music, so loud that the neighbors complain. Your parents say:
A. Kids will be kids. Nothing I can do about it.
C. You are keeping the neighbor’s kids awake with the loud music. How about turn the volume down to 5, and let’s see if that helps.
The Results
A is for “Always Cool”
If you answered mostly A, your parents may be acting more like a best friend than a parent. We’ll call them Permissive parents. Permissive means that they let you do kind of whatever you want to do.
Woo hoo! Party time! Stay out late! Use Mom’s credit card! Eat whatever I want! Hang wherever I want! Sounds like a blast, huh? Your friends may think it’s cool that your parents let you totally do your own thing, but teens actually do better and learn to have a healthier independence when there are rules. That’s not just what
Permissive parents aren’t necessarily trying to be “bad” parents; they just may be giving you too much freedom as you push for more independence. Kids who have a free-for-all with clothes, curfews and spending money often find themselves wishing for some guidance or someone who takes an interest in keeping them safe and on track.
Another way Permissive parenting happens is when your parents are acting more like a teenager than like a parent. They try to dress like you and talk like you. They might even hang with you and your buds and let you do adult stuff that a lot of parents wouldn’t allow. Some parents think that they can take better care of you if they are your “best friend.” They mean well, but they don’t realize that what you really need is a parent and not another “best friend.” If you have Permissive-type parents, we bet you know what we’re talking about.
If you’re in a family situation where there’s not much supervision or interest in what you are doing or your parents are acting more like a teenager than you are, you can talk with another trusted adult like another relative, a friend’s parent, a teacher, a coach or a counselor. They can help you establish healthy boundaries for yourself.
If you answered mostly B, your parents may want to make all your decisions for you. We’ll call them Authoritarian parents. That means that they know what’s right. Period. No discussion.
They truly may know what’s right, but the problem is that you can’t learn to make good decisions if you don’t know why your parents set certain rules. If you don’t have choices, even options they come up with for you to choose from, you end up with not much chance to prove yourself.
Use it or lose it. For certain parts of our brains, that’s the way it works. Research shows that we have to start using the brain’s decision-making center by adolescence. If you don’t learn to make some decisions for yourself, you will lose the ability to make good decisions later in life. If someone else is always making decisions for you: what to wear, where to go, who to hang with, when to eat and sleep and do all the chores you have to do on a daily basis . . . you’ll never figure out for yourself how to manage your time or your ability to decide things.
Authoritarian parents don’t always mean to prevent you from ever learning to grow up, but they often don’t
