Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

things on your own. Give them a reason to think that you will make good choices, and they may let you try bigger things.3. Tell them that you want to make some decisions. Ask them to find times for you to exercise your brain. Make suggestions like: “Will you let me decide when I’ll rake the lawn if I promise it will be done by Saturday at 6 P.M.?” or “Can I go shopping for that new skirt with my friends if I promise I won’t buy one shorter than three inches above my knee?” or “May Amber and I walk around the neighborhood if we take the cell phone and promise to be back in thirty minutes?”

These things prove to your parents that you can set reasonable limits and accomplish tasks all on your own (home at 10:00, a school project finished on time, hem three inches above the knee). It can make them more confident that you will make good choices. They may even look pensively heavenward, lay a finger aside the cheek and ponder, “Maybe, just maybe, I don’t have to make all my little girl’s decisions. . . .” Your brain will thank them!

The Sky’s the Limit

Now on to Permissive parents.

Permissive parents may be the toughest parents to deal with. We just saw how Authoritarian parents set up unbending rules about all details of life so that teens can’t practice making decisions. Permissive parents are the opposite of that.

Permissive parents encourage kids to think for themselves, do whatever makes them feel good and avoid conformity. Misbehavior is usually ignored, and kids learn from making mistakes. Children of Permissive parents have lots of chances to make decisions—the sky’s the limit!

It’s just that teens need rules, limits and guidance to feel secure and learn to make good decisions. If you don’t have guidance about the pros, cons and consequences of making certain choices, it’s gonna be tough for you to learn. You didn’t drop onto this Earth as a completely developed 30-year-old “Ms. Responsibility.” No! Your brain is still growing into an adult brain; you’re not there yet.

It’s sort of a role reversal to ask parents to give you more rules and limits, but really that’s what’s best for you and your developing brain. So how do you get Permissive parents to “let you have your way” and set some limits that help you gain good independence?1. Ask them for supervision. For example, you could say, “I want to ask Joe over after the game to hang out, but I’m kind of uncomfortable being at home alone with him. Could you be home by 10:00?” Or maybe, “The neighbors just yelled across the fence that we are too loud. What can we do that’s quiet but still fun?”

2. Learn from your parents’ actions. They are making decisions every day, and you can learn from their choices and consequences. Maybe your mom turns down an invitation to go to a movie with a friend because she needs to help your little sister make a Native American Indian costume for school. You see the delight in your sister’s eyes, and you know Mom made a good decision. Maybe your dad promises to be at your volleyball game, but at the last minute he decides to play golf after work with some buddies instead. You are disappointed and probably angry, and you know that was a bad decision.

You can learn from good and bad choices people all around you make. Look to your friends. Read the newspaper. Check out what happens to characters in books, on television and in movies. Take note of consequences of your own actions.

3. Look to other trusted adults for guidance and boundaries. A friend’s mom is a great choice. You’ll know the right one when you meet her. She talks to you a lot, remembers things about you and explains her reason for choosing certain rules and boundaries for her daughter. She’s fun in a “like to be around her” way, not a “party time, no rules” way. If you can’t find a friend’s mom to confide in, other good choices are teachers, coaches, religious leaders, neighbors or other relatives.

You may be thinking, “Sounds like fun! I want Permissive parents! Freedom, freedom, freedom!” Well, we know that giving yourself rules and limits seems totally bizarre. But remember that what you learn now forms the adult you will be. Decision making with guidance will snap that brain of yours into shape pronto—and you’ll have the perfect brain to usher you into adulthood.

A Little Me, a Little You

And now for the crowning glory of teen parenting styles—Assertive-Democratic. Assertive-Democratic parents establish basic guidelines for their children. They give clear reasons for setting limits. They teach their children about the consequences of choices and give them plenty of practice making choices. If this is the type of parents you have, you will be expected to take responsibility for the choices you make.

While no parents are perfect, Assertive-Democratic parents seem to prepare their children best for being adults. Research shows that children raised this way make wiser choices, cope well with change and are better problem-solvers. In other words, they have strong, well-exercised decision-making centers in their brains. No tubs of brain-matter goo here!

Assertive-Democratic parents are already “letting you get your way” by encouraging you toward independence. But there are some things you can do to help out. It’s a case of they give a little, you give a little.1. Learn from your mistakes. Your parents aren’t going to let you go jump off a cliff, but they will let you make relatively safe but poor choices. If you decide to IM your friends all night instead of studying for your geometry exam, you will discover the nasty consequence of failing. Prove to yourself and your parents that your brain gets just as much exercise from making bad decisions as it does from making good decisions—and decide to study next time!

2. Ask their opinions about decisions you need to make. While it’s hard to imagine your mom having her first period, her first kiss and a curfew, we can assure you that she did. Just ask your grandma! Your parents have lived long enough to make many decisions— good and bad—and they can share their real-life experiences with you.

3. Offer reasons of your own for making decisions. This is when your parents will shout for joy, “Well, at least we did something right!” Making well-thought-out decisions is exactly what they have been training you to do. When they see that you have considered the consequences of a choice, they’ll confidently grant you your independence. Yahoo! Mission accomplished!

So What Is Normal?

Let’s review a laundry list of “normal” parent behaviors. They:• Embarrass you • Nose around in your business • Fuss at you about schoolwork, clothes, computer time and your whereabouts • Hate your friends • Love your friends • Establish strict, unbending rules • Establish no rules at all • Give you reasons for the rules • Make decisions for you • Let you choose

Yep, looks like all those abnormal, clueless parents out there are really pretty normal after all. Your normal parents didn’t go anywhere . . . your relationship with them and your perception of them just changed.

Now that we know your parents are possibly and even probably normal, where do you go from here? That’s easy. Keep heading the way your brain and body are leading you—straight toward independence. No matter what your parents’ parenting style is, that brain of yours will get its best exercise by making good decisions. Do whatever it takes to get the best information you can to help you make the best decisions you can . . . and watch your independence grow! Your Girl Power will grow along with it!