Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

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You Grow, Brain!

Just as your body has to grow into an adultlike body, your brain has to change into an adultlike brain (sound creepy?). And just as your body takes years to grow all those “woman parts,” your brain takes your entire teen years to grow.

Two particular parts of your brain are growing like crazy! The first big grower is the part that helps you understand things like algebra. That’s why we don’t learn algebra in the second grade—our brains couldn’t handle it! The same area in your brain also lets you understand “invisible” things like faith, trust, feelings and values. That’s why you may be questioning the faith and values of your family. While it can be a little unsettling, kind of like thinking without a safety net, don’t be afraid to question. Your parents may have taught you well, but your brain is now telling you to claim faith and values for yourself. Go for it!

Another brain part, your amygdala (uh MIG duh luh), is also cookin’ away. This is the emotional center in your brain. By growing, it makes you experience emotions in a stronger way than you have before. You will begin to have intense feelings like anger, love and sadness.

While your amygdala is growing, it also interferes with your ability to figure out what emotions other people are feeling by their facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. So when you see a parent (or friend) with a wrinkled forehead and squinted eyes, you might jump to the conclusion that she is angry when in reality she is confused or worried or maybe just has a headache!

Your emotional center also makes you respond with big, lightning-quick emotions—like a firecracker popping. So that parent who was confused makes you suddenly explode with an angry yell before you realize that she wasn’t angry at all. Then she does get angry because you yelled at her, and then your anger gets even bigger. Yada, yada, yada . . . what a mess it can cause!

See what we mean when we say this “clueless parent” phenomenon is a little bit about them and a lot about you? You may feel like your parents spontaneously turned more angry, more controlling, more nosy, more whatever overnight, but the way you interpret their responses is really what’s changing. There goes that brain, doing a number on you again!

My Brain Made Me Do It!

Besides these brain centers that are changing, scientists have also identified specific “developmental tasks” that you need to accomplish during your teen years. When you were a child, your “developmental tasks” were things like learning to sit, walk, talk, pick up a Cheerio with your finger and thumb, and potty train.

Now that you can successfully navigate a toilet (we’re sooo impressed!), you get to move on to new tasks. Actually, they may seem more like annoying little chores. The most obvious tasks are physical ones like growing breasts, starting a period, getting taller, growing hips and growing new hair. Your major mental/emotional tasks aren’t as obvious as breasts and pubic hair, but they still happen to everyone!

As we talked about, the first task is to become more independent from your parents and more connected with your friends. If you are ever going to become a responsible, independent adult, of course, you have to learn to do things all by yourself.

This parent-friend combo helps you accomplish your second big mental/emotional task—figuring out the deep question of “who you are.” That means you consider your parents’ values and your friends’ values, and then you decide what’s important to you. What kind of person do I want to be? What are my talents? What are my weaknesses? What will my family, my career, my faith and my accomplishments look like in ten or twenty years?

We talked a lot about this in chapter 2. If you’re still wondering how to start figuring out “who you are,” go back and check it out again.

Invasion of the Body Snatcher

None of this is to say that your brain is holding your entire body, mind and personality hostage! When your brain gives you those “I need to be independent” messages, it may make you want to lash out with arguments, insults and disobedience when an adult challenges your independence.

Likewise, your brain may make you want to respond with anger, snide comments or unfriendly threats when your friends (or you!) try on “new” personalities on your quest to find out “who you are.”

You can’t control the messages your brain is sending you. Really. It’s just the way your brain develops. But you do have control over how you respond to your brain’s messages.

Right now you argue so much because your brain is also developing logical reasoning. You need reasons for your parents’ rules; you want to know why your friends act the way they do. So ask your parents what purpose they have for a rule instead of responding with, “You can’t make me!” Even if you don’t like their reason, they probably have one that seems good to them. Once you know their purpose, you can negotiate a compromise that gives you some independence and also sets limits they think are good for you.

It works like this: Let’s say you want to go see a movie, Selena’s Summer Secret (a made-up title), with some girlfriends and some guy friends. You ask your mom, and she’s says, “Absolutely not.” You immediately assume that she doesn’t trust your friends, thinks you pick lousy friends and maybe even hates your friends. And you tell her so! Yep, the perfect beginning to the perfect argument!

Or . . . you could tell her calmly that you really want to practice doing things on your own and ask her why she doesn’t want you to go. (Note the word calmly. You are seeking information, not a fight here!) You choose this route and find out that it’s not the friends she doesn’t approve of, it’s the movie! Turns out she read a review online and found out that it has really graphic sexual scenes and even shows naked breasts right there on the screen!

Wow! She really did have a good reason. You would have been mortified to be sitting right next to Derek when they showed naked breasts on the screen! So now that you know her reason, you can compromise. You can still go to movies; just pick a different one—preferably one without naked people prancing across the screen! You get to do something all on your own, and your mom gets to establish some safe boundaries for your independence.

See, once you understand what your developmental tasks are, it helps you explain to your parents why you want to do things “on your own.” Tell your parents that you want to learn how to do things that will ultimately help you take care of yourself as an adult. We’re betting you’ll get lots of “maturity” points for that!

Where’s the Instruction Manual?

So how do parents handle your changing brain and your new task of becoming independent?

Oh, that’s easy. They’ll just turn to of the How to Raise Teenagers Instruction Manual