The Spy Who Went Out to the Cold

The lid of Max’s mummy case was lifted. Max found himself peering up into the faces of two middle-aged men who were dressed in khaki and wearing pith helmets. One had a drooping handle-bar mustache: The other did not.

“There you are, chap-vacant as dear old Mother Hubbard’s jam closet.”

“Archie, old boy, I’d be the last person in the world to dispute your word,” Desmond responded. “But isn’t that foreign-looking blighter in there a mummy? He has all the characteristics. The tape, you know. And that unhealthy complexion. I do believe he’s crumbling to dust.”

“For your information,” Max said, “I have a very healthy complexion. And I am not a mummy. At least, I hope I’m not. I was childless when I was put in here.”

Archie and Desmond exchanged looks.

“Fantastic,” Desmond said. “Perfect preservation. He must be thousands of years old, and yet he functions as well as the day he was placed in this case. Too bad we don’t savvy his tongue, eh, chap? What a story he must have to tell!”

“You idiots!” Max raged. “I’m not a mummy. I’m Agent 86. I’m a Control agent. Now, get me out of here!”

Again, Desmond and Archie exchanged looks.

“What do you make of it?” Desmond asked.

“Quite unbelievable, old boy. He claims to be a Control agent. Yet, Control is an American organization. And, thousands of years ago, America did not even exist.”

“Do you suppose he’s putting us on, Archie?”

“Wouldn’t be surprised, Des. He does have that foreign look, you know.”

“Max! Convince them!” 99 cried.

Desmond’s eyebrows shot up. “Jove! Did you hear that? It came from this other mummy case, didn’t it?”

“Wouldn’t that be a bit of too much, chap-two mummies in one day?” Archie replied. “No, I rather suspect that the truth of the matter is that this one-” He indicated Max. “-is a ventriloquist.”

“Throwing his voice?”

“Let’s just open up this other case,” Archie said, “and I think we’ll find that it’s- Well, well, what have we here?” He smiled. “And I suppose, my dear, that you’re a Control agent, too, eh?”

“99,” 99 nodded.

“Looks like we’re going to have a busy day on our hands, Des,” Archie said.

“Really? How so?”

“Well, that first one identified himself as 86, and this one claims to be 99. Obviously, that means that these other cases contain 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97 and 98. Rather a haul, I’d say.”

“Deuce!” Desmond grumbled. “We’ll be tied up ’way past tea time.”

“Will you muttonheads listen!” Max said angrily. “We’re American secret agents. We were kidnapped by river pirates. They’re on their way to send a ransom telegram now. And if you two don’t get us-and yourselves-out of here, we’ll all soon be in the same kettle of fish!”

Desmond and Archie looked at each other once more.

“He could be telling the truth, Des,” Archie said. “Unlikely, of course, but possible.”

“Terrible thing if we made a mistake,” Desmond nodded.

“Very British of us, though-and therefore forgivable.”

“I rather think I have the solution to the matter, chap,” Desmond said. “Let’s transport them back to Alexandria, shall we? There, we can show them to the authorities and get an expert opinion on their story.”

“Brilliant-so un-British of you, Desmond. Although, we may have a bit of a time, carrying them back, cases and all, on our motorbike.”

“Wasn’t that a houseboat we saw down by the river?” Desmond said. “Perhaps we could commandeer it.”

“Pardon, old boy?”

“Steal it.”

“Now then, that’s the Desmond I know,” Archie beamed.

The two archeologists removed Max and 99 from the cases, then unwrapped their legs so that they could walk, leaving them bound above the waist. They then picked up the cases, and the four set out for the river.

“I say, Des, why are we bringing the cases?” Archie inquired.

“For identification purposes, old boy. As I understand it, it’s very difficult to tell a mummy without its case.”

“Jove! What one learns in the course of- I say! There’s the houseboat. And that must be the captain there on deck.”

“Max!” 99 said. “It’s von BOOM!”

“No need to shout,” Desmond said disapprovingly.

As they neared the houseboat, Professor von BOOM called out to them. “There you are!” he said crossly. “Where’ve you been?”

“Just over yonder in the tomb, old fellow,” Desmond replied. “Terribly decent of you to worry. I didn’t even think you saw us when we passed this way before.”

Baffled, von BOOM looked at Max.

“You wouldn’t believe it,” Max said glumly. “They think we’re mummies.”

“As a matter of fact, the case is still in court,” Archie said. “The evidence seems to indicate that they’re mummies. We discovered them in these cases, swathed in tape. That certainly has a mummy ring to it. However-”

“They’ve cooked up a bit of a story,” Desmond said, taking over. “Outlandish. Claim to have been American secret agents at a time when America hadn’t even been discovered yet. Consequently, we’re transporting them to Alexandria to have them authenticated.” He smiled broadly. “That’s why we’re commandeering your boat, old fellow.”

“Pardon?” von BOOM said, still puzzled.

“Stealing.”

“Say-are you two British?”

“Let’s the cat out of the bag every time, doesn’t it, Des,” Archie mused.

“If you two will just listen for a minute,” Max began.

“Later, chap,” Desmond interrupted. “Work to be done, you know.” He turned to Archie. “Shall we shove off?”

“Charming thought, old boy!”

Archie and Desmond set about getting the houseboat back out onto the river.

“What the devil is going on?” von BOOM said to Max.

“You’re a fine one to ask that,” Max replied. “Where were you when those river pirates kidnapped us?”

“Pirates? I don’t know what you’re talking about. I was reading and the light suddenly went out. I went down the basement to change the fuse, and when I came back, you were both gone.”

“That isn’t important now,” 99 said. “Get us out of this tape.”

As quickly as he could, von BOOM unwrapped the lengths of tape that were binding Max and 99. Just as he finished the job, Archie and Desmond reappeared, having successfully launched the houseboat.

“I’m afraid we’ll have to take offense at that, old fellow,” Desmond said to von BOOM. “Diddling with another person’s property is. . well, it’s-”

“Very British,” Archie said.

“Even so, we can’t allow it,” Desmond continued. “Very important, you know, to have these two authenticated. And, loose like this, they might take advantage of the freedom and trot off to. . to Heaven knows where. Under the circumstances, I rather believe we’ll have to hold you all prisoner.” He turned to Archie. “Do you have the firearm, old chap?” he asked.

“Now, look-” Max said.

“Terribly sorry, Des. I believe I left it on the motorbike,” Archie broke in.

Desmond chuckled. “Oh, Archie, you are your father’s son, aren’t you?”