Never Knowing

Melanie was staring at me, one eyebrow raised.

“I’m waiting for a call from a client, but it’s just one of those stupid 800 numbers.” I shrugged.

She gave me a funny look. “Okay…”

I forced my face into a neutral expression.

She was slowly sliding the door open. The phone was still ringing. My heart fluttered in my chest. Melanie glanced over her shoulder. I smiled and gave a little wave. She was still looking at me. Walk away, walk away. Finally she turned around.

When she was past the window, I answered the phone in a breathless rush. “Hello?”

“What took you so long?” His voice was annoyed.

“I was in the bathroom.”

“I told you I need you to keep the phone with you at all times.”

“I’m doing my best, John.”

He sighed. “Sorry, I’ve had a hard day.”

“That’s too bad.” It almost killed me to keep the sarcasm out of my voice, but I still ended up sounding abrupt. I walked to the front window and watched Melanie drive off. For a moment I wondered what she would do in my situation. Probably just tell John to screw off.

“Some people I work with, they think they’re better than me.”

“Where do you work?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Can you tell me what you do?”

He paused. “Not yet. So what kind of things do you like to do for fun?”

My body tensed. “Why?”

“I’m just trying to get to know you better.” His tone picked up. “I like being outdoors.”

“Yeah? Like camping and stuff?” I couldn’t bring myself to ask if he liked to hunt. I thought he’d pick up on my lack of genuine interest, but his voice was cheerful when he answered.

“I camp all over — spots most people are scared to go. There’s not too much of BC I haven’t seen. You could drop me at the top of a mountain and I’d still find my way out. But I stick to land.”

I racked my brain for something to say. “Why’s that?”

“I can’t swim.” He laughed. “Do you like camping?”

“Sometimes.”

John’s tone flattened. “Do you go with your boyfriend?”

I hesitated for a moment. Was it better he knew about Evan? He’d think I have protection living with me. “He’s my fiance.”

“What is his name?”

I hesitated again. I hated the idea of him having Evan’s name, but what if he already knew? “Evan.”

“When are you getting married?” A hint of something in his voice.

Time stretched out as I tried to think how to answer.

“Um, we’re not sure yet, still trying to work all that out.…”

“I have to go.” He hung up.

I called Billy right away. This time John was somewhere between Prince George and Quesnel, which is even farther north of Williams Lake. As soon as he was done talking to me, he turned the phone off and essentially vanished. He could be standing right behind a cop and still they wouldn’t be able to get his exact location, only a general area. Billy assured me John was going to slip up soon, but when he said it again I wondered who he was trying to convince.

It doesn’t help that we don’t know what kind of truck he’s driving—everyone has a truck in the Interior — or whether he’s changed his appearance. I asked about roadblocks, but Billy said it’s a waste of resources unless they can pinpoint his exact location. Their best bet is to keep showing his photo around and talking to the locals. At least everyone usually knows everyone in rural locations. The police are also working with conservation officers, so they can stop hunters or anyone driving on the Forest Service roads. Hopefully they get a lead soon, because I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

I wonder what he does after our talks. Does he go home and make himself a nice dinner, then sit in front of the TV and laugh at sitcoms while he cleans his guns? Maybe he stops at the pub and orders a hamburger and beer, bragging to the waitress about his daughter like a typical father. Does he go over and over our phone call like I do, or forget all about it like I wish I could?

SESSION EIGHT

I am trying to calm down. But I don’t know where to start. I’m just sick with worry. Not to mention tired and hungry, I have so much going on right now I shouldn’t even be here, but I didn’t want to cancel again. I know I’m talking too fast, my blood sugar’s crashing, which is why I’m forcing myself to eat this disgusting granola bar I found in my glove box. Fine, I’ll slow down and start at the beginning.

After our last session I tried that technique you gave me for staying in the present. I sat on our couch and closed my eyes, using all my senses to focus on the smooth fabric under my hands, the dryer thumping in the background, the cool hardwood under my bare feet, but my mind always went back to John. He hadn’t called for three days and I was working really hard on reminding myself I have zero control over what he does. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how he hung up so abruptly. Wondering if it was because I’d mentioned Evan, wondering if he sensed I lied when I told him we didn’t have a wedding date yet, wondering what he might do.

Thank God Evan came home for the weekend. No matter how bad I’m freaking out, he can usually bring me back to some semblance of calm, or at least to the point where I’m not hyperventilating. Before we went to Lauren’s for Brandon’s birthday we had a talk about how to handle it if John called, and I was feeling better about the whole deal. I was even kind of looking forward to the party. I’ve always had a soft spot for Brandon and couldn’t believe he was already turning ten. I’d practiced changing diapers on him. Not that my trial-and-errors with him helped when it came to dealing with a strong-willed little girl.

Just trying to take Ally shopping for a present was insane. First she had to walk up and down every aisle. Then we finally settled on a Nintendo game, but she wouldn’t stop looking at the ones still on the shelf. “Maybe he’d like hockey better, Mommy.” I said Brandon would be happy with any of them, but she started picking up one after another again. When I finally snapped and grabbed the one she’d already picked, she screamed, “It’s the wrong one, Mommy!” like her life depended on it. Then she stood in the middle of the aisle, her arms crossed in front of her, and refused to budge no matter what I said. At the end of my rope, I said, “Fine, you can just stay here all day,” and started walking away. After a moment she followed along behind, her little shoulders slumped and her lips tight as she struggled not to cry.

A few miles down the road she was still staring out the passenger window. Now that I was calmer, I felt bad for rushing her and said, “Brandon’s going to be so excited when he sees your present.” She still wouldn’t look at me, so I started singing along to the radio, making up my own words. “Sugar pie, Ally Cat, you know I love you. I can’t help myself, I love you and nobody else, except for Evan, and Moose, and Nana, and Auntie Lauren, and—” I sucked in a big breath of air. The corner of Ally’s lips twitched as she tried not to laugh. I started singing louder. By the time we picked up Evan, she was also singing — in between giggles, which got me laughing too. Then she tilted her head to one side, smiled at me, and said, “You’re so pretty, Mommy.” God, I love that kid.

We were still having fun when we pulled into Lauren and Greg’s driveway. This year the party was a Transformers theme, so I knew the whole house would be decorated top to bottom, and they had all kinds of games