3. A round open space.
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MRS WARREN'S PROFESSION, ACT 1 / 1771
would have passed the night under your roof if it hadnt been for the way my mother and he took to one another. REV. SAMUEL Nonsense, sir. I am Sir George Crofts' host. I must talk to him
about something; and he has only one subject. Where is Mr Praed now? FRANK He is driving my mother and Bessie to the station. REV. SAMUEL Is Crofts up yet? FRANK Oh, long ago. He hasnt turned a hair: he's in much better practice
than you. Has kept it up ever since, probably. He's taken himself off somewhere to smoke.
[FRANK resumes his paper. The parson turns disconsolately towards the gate; then comes hack irresolutely.]
REV. SAMUEL Er?Frank. FRANK Yes. REV. SAMUEL DO you think the Warrens will expect to be asked here after
yesterday afternoon? FRANK Theyve been asked already. REV. SAMUEL [Appalled.] What!!! FRANK Crofts informed us at breakfast that you told him to bring Mrs Warren
and Vivie over here today, and to invite them to make this house their home. My mother then found she must go to town by the 11.13 train. REV. SAMUEL [With despairing vehemence.] I never gave any such invitation. I never thought of such a thing. FRANK [Compassionately.] How do you know, gov'nor, what you said and
thought last night? PRAED [Coming in through the hedge.] Good morning. REV. SAMUEL Good morning. I must apologize for not having met you at break
fast. I have a touch of?of? FRANK Clergyman's sore throat, Praed. Fortunately not chronic. PRAED [Changing the subject.] Well, 1 must say your house is in a charming
spot here. Really most charming.
REV. SAMUEL Yes: it is indeed. Frank will take you for a walk, Mr Praed, if you like. I'll ask you to excuse me: I must take the opportunity to write my sermon while Mrs Gardner is away and you are all amusing yourselves. You wont mind, will you?
PRAED Certainly not. Dont stand on the slightest ceremony with me. REV. SAMUEL Thank you. I'll?er?er?[He stammers his way to the porch and vanishes into the house.]
PRAED Curious thing it must be writing a sermon every week. FRANK Ever so curious, if he did it. He buys em. He's gone for some soda water. PRAED My dear boy: I wish you would be more respectful to your father. You know you can be so nice when you like.
FRANK My dear Praddy: you forget that I have to live with the governor. When two people live together?it doesnt matter whether theyre father and son or husband and wife or brother and sister?they cant keep up the polite humbug thats so easy for ten minutes on an afternoon call. Now the governor, who unites to many admirable domestic qualities the irresoluteness of a sheep and the pompousness and aggressiveness of a jackass?
PRAED NO, pray, pray, my dear Frank, remember! He is your father. FRANK I give him due credit for that. [Rising and flinging down his paper.]
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1 177 2 / BERNARD SHAW
But just imagine his telling Crofts to bring the Warrens over here! He must have been ever so drunk. You know, my dear Praddy, my mother wouldnt stand Mrs Warren for a moment. Vivie mustnt come here until she's gone back to town.
PRAED But your mother doesnt know anything about Mrs Warren, does she?
[He picks up the paper and sits down to read it.]
FRANK I don't know. Her journey to town looks as if she did. Not that my mother would mind in the ordinary way: she has stuck like a brick to lots of women who had got into trouble. But they were all nice women. Thats what makes the real difference. Mrs Warren, no doubt, has her merits; but she's ever so rowdy; and my mother simply wouldnt put up with her. So ? hallo! [This exclamation is provoked by the reappearance of the clergyman, who comes out of the house in haste and dismay. ]
REV. SAMUEL Frank: Mrs Warren and her daughter are coming across the heath with Crofts: I saw them from the study windows. What am I to say about your mother? FRANK Stick on your hat and go out and say how delighted you are to see them; and that Frank's in the garden; and that mother and Bessie have been called to the bedside of a sick relative, and were ever so sorry they couldnt stop; and that you hope Mrs Warren slept well; and?and?say any blessed thing except the truth, and leave the rest to Providence. REV. SAMUEL But how are we to get rid of them afterwards? FRANK Theres no time to think of that now. Here! [He bounds into the house.] REV. SAMUEL He's so impetuous. I dont know what to do with him, Mr Praed. FRANK [Returning with a clerical felt hat, which he claps on his father's head.] Now: off with you. [Rushing him through the gate.] Praed and I'll wait here, to give the thing an unpremeditated air. [The clergyman, dazed but obedient, hurries off.] FRANK We must get the old girl back to town somehow, Praed. Come! Honestly, dear Praddy, do you like seeing them together? PRAED Oh, why not? FRANK [His teeth on edge. ] Dont it make your flesh creep ever so little? that wicked old devil, up to every villainy under the sun, I'll swear, and Vivie? ugh! PRAED Hush, pray. Theyre coming. [The clergyman and CROFTS are seen coming along the road, followed by MRS WARREN and vrviE walking affectionately together.] FRANK Look: she actually has her arm round the old woman's waist. It's her right arm: she began it. She's gone sentimental, by God! Ugh! ugh! Now do you feel the creeps? [The clergyman opens the gate; and MRS WARREN and VIVIE pass him and stand in the middle of the garden looking at the house. FRANK, in an ecstasy of dissimulation, turns gaily to MRS WARREN, exclaiming] Ever so delighted to see you, Mrs Warren. This quiet old rectory garden becomes you perfectly. MRS WARREN Well, I never! Did you hear that, George? He says I look well in a quiet old rectory garden. REV. SAMUEL [Still holding the gate for CROFTS, who loafs through it, heavily bored.] You look well everywhere, Mrs Warren. FRANK Bravo, gov'nor! Now look here: lets have a treat before lunch. First lets see the church. Everyone has to do that. It's a regular old thirteenth century church, you know: the gov'nor's ever so fond of it, because he got
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