“And I’m sure I’ll regret it. Do you always walk around like that?”
“Yeah, always. You mean this is the first time you noticed?” He drags an apple slice through a glob of peanut butter and takes a bite. “No. Just on laundry day. I’m out of shirts.”
“Oh! Crap. Laundry. I need a plastic bag.” Kendall jumps off her bar stool. “I left my wet stuff hanging in the shower.”
Jacian reaches for a drawer and pulls out a trash bag. “Here.”
“Be right back.”
She returns moments later to find all the food gone. “Wow.”
“I was really hungry.”
“Apparently.”
He grins. “I’m a growing boy. What do you want from me?”
“I don’t know, maybe the rest of the food that was on my plate?”
“Dude, you left.”
“Next time I’ll take my plate with me.”
“Next time.” He raises an eyebrow. “Tomorrow?”
She looks at him. So conflicted. She knows her parents could use her help, but harvest is almost done.
And if she begs off, she knows her mother will say yes. After the relief her brain is experiencing right now, she wants to get back out there and continue playing until she collapses.
And then there’s just one more nagging feeling. One that she pushes back every time she has a pleasant conversation with Jacian. She knows it’s stupid. But when she thinks about how much Nico might have suffered, or might be suffering. . How can she do anything fun — especially with another guy — and feel good about it?
It just feels wrong.
“I didn’t know it was such a loaded question.” Jacian is leaning on the counter now, looking at Kendall intently during her silence.
She swallows hard. “It’s not. It’s. . I don’t know. I’ll have to see.”
Jacian nods. “Okay.” He goes into the adjacent laundry room and comes out wearing a Phoenix Suns sweatshirt.
“My dad’s a big fan,” he explains, rolling his eyes. “You ready?” he asks. He pulls his truck keys from his pocket.
Kendall nods.
He drives her home in silence. When he gets to her driveway, he says, “You know, if you ever want to talk about it, I. . I could listen. Or, you know. Whatever.”
“Thanks. I don’t know if. .” She grabs her backpack, which weighs a ton because of the wet clothes.
“Thanks,” she says again. And because of his sincerity, she reaches over and squeezes his hand. And then she slips out of the truck and doesn’t look back.
That night Kendall sleeps hard and soundly for the first time since Nico disappeared.
ANGER. Again We are stalled, turned back from Our plan. Our souls pound and rock the metal, the wood, the room, and the building. Revenge is near. Thirty-five. One hundred. Thirty-five. One hundred!
In agony, We scrape a new message.
Touch me.
Tell no one.
It’s me.
The sun shines again. It’s Friday, and Nico’s desk is still in its place.
She almost doesn’t notice it — the words.
But she does. How could she not?
There’s nothing else she can do. She brushes it with her fingertips when she passes the desk to sharpen her pencil. And again when she throws something in the trash. And she hears it, barely. The whisper. Nico’s voice. Touch me. Tell no one. It’s me.
At lunch she waits until everyone is outside, and then she moves to it. Cautiously she slips her fingers over the new graffiti, back and forth, as Nico’s voice fills her ears.
Her heart pounds. How can this be happening?
She rests her cheek against it, closes her eyes, and absorbs his words. It’s not as strong, not as overpowering this time. It starts out gentle and builds, hovers, the euphoria that comes over her.
By the time lunch is over, Kendall doesn’t want to pull away. She stays where she is, unmoving, not listening to Ms. Hinkler, not caring what anybody else in the class might think about her unauthorized move. Not noticing the puzzled looks from Jacian and Eli and the others. Nothing matters but the words and the solace they bring.
When Jacian and Marlena nudge her at the end of the day, Kendall pulls herself away. It’s like the afternoon was only minutes long. And now she has to leave him, leave Nico, for the entire weekend. The incredible high drains slowly, and by the time the three of them are at Hector’s, Kendall feels like she just came off of a very big sugar rush. She’s lethargic and her brain is muddled.
“What’s up with you today?” Jacian asks as they stretch for soccer. Marlena sits wrapped up in a blanket on the porch, watching, her foot propped up on the railing.
“Nothing much,” Kendall says. Her voice sounds far away.
“You got tired of sitting by me?”
“Huh? No. I just. .” She trails off, wondering what she’s going to say. “I just feel closer to Nico when
I’m sitting there.”
Jacian grabs a ball and starts dribbling. He doesn’t say anything.
Kendall goes through the motions of doing some exercises but when Jacian passes the ball to her, she misses, or doesn’t make the effort to return the ball.
“Come on,” he mutters.
Kendall shakes her arms and does a quick jog in place in an attempt to clear her head. “Sorry. I’m not sure. .” She tries to concentrate, and slowly, as she focuses and puts some effort into the sport, the fuzziness in her brain clears. By the time she’s fully into playing, questions start bombarding. As she runs, the questions sound out at every step.
What is happening to me?
How is it possible?
Is this what Nico was feeling when he was so distant, those days before he disappeared?
She stops short and lets Jacian steal the ball as she realizes how strange everything was today. “Oh my God,” she says in a strange voice. “Oh my God. I’m going insane.” She flops to the grass, her head pounding, as Jacian comes running over.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
Kendall looks up at him for a long moment. She shakes her head no. And then she bursts into tears.
“Something is happening to me!” she sobs.
Jacian drops to the ground next to her, facing her. He reaches out, and she clings to him, burying her face and crying into his neck. He holds her, pats her back, pushes her hair from her face and whispers in her ear. “It’s okay, Kendall. It’s okay.”
“Something weird is happening!” she cries again. “I don’t want to disappear. I thought I might want to. . to be with him, but I don’t. I don’t want to. I’m so scared.”
Jacian smoothes his hand over Kendall’s hair. “Nobody else wants you to either,” he says.
Marlena, on the porch, hops up on her good foot to get a better look at what’s happening. Jacian waves her off. She scowls and then retreats inside the house to watch from the window.
“I’m so scared,” Kendall says again, a whisper this time.
“Tell me why,” Jacian says. “Do you know something? Did something happen?” He pulls away and looks at her. Wipes the tears from her cheeks with gentle fingers.
Kendall thinks for a long moment, trying to decide. Knowing anything she says about the desk will sound
